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When should we stop helping our grown children?

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miamoma

Asked by miamoma at 1:12 PM on Jun. 8, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 13 (1,228 Credits)
Answers (20)
  • To some extent or another - never

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • Depends..I don't think they should depend on parents for everything.. but I think that they are your children.. you should help them if they need it ( in some cases).. If you help them too much they will get spoiled with it and never become real adults.
    SuperrMommyy

    Answer by SuperrMommyy at 1:14 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • I wish I could tell you 18. But that is not the way it works. MY youngest 26, 27 June 27. And her 2 DD's. Are back living with us. (Divorcing) This will be the second time, first time she had only one child. I just hope there is not a third time with a third child.
    some kids need mor help then others. My oldest has never needed my help. She is 32.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:19 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • We can help them as long as we have the resources, time, patience, and want to. If you lose any of those then stop.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 1:20 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • I think it depends on the situation. If youre being used (example: asking for money all the time, or excess of anything), then whenever you realize that is happening you should stop enabling them.

    I'm 22, and DH is 24. We do pretty well on our own, we've always been able to have what we need and most of what we want for our family. That being said, we do ask for help occasionally. We drive home for christmas each year that we can (DH is AD Army and we live 1800 miles from family), and they will put gas money toward our trip as a christmas gift. thats about it though. There is a difference in helping and enabling or being used.
    ArmyWifeAshlie

    Answer by ArmyWifeAshlie at 1:23 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • There are lots of kinds of help. To me, a child who is 20 or so, not in school and not working, would not be welcome to live in my home rent free. I would feel that my job as a parent would be to stop helping in order to motivate that child to get going with life. But even if your child is 50 and loses a spouse and needs help, then I think it would be a shame not to help if a parent could. I kind of think you parent a child thru the high school or college years, and then they kind of don't want to be parented so much (even if they still need it) and want to figure life out on their own for some of the 20's, and then ideally they become grown ups and have it together, and then parent and child can become friends. I am very close with my mom at 31, but even now she helps me, not with money but if I need to paint a room or something she's willing to help. She gives me advice, guidance and support always. Same for Dad.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:25 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • Once they're grown and capable of things on their own the ties should be loosened. Depending on the situation of course. I grew up being taught to work for anything and everything I wanted. Even for birthdays and Christmas, what my siblings and I got for gifts depended on our behavior and effort on a day to day basis of school work, home work, and chores. If we wanted new clothes, shoes, jewelry, video game systems and games, music players and CDs, etc we had to earn the money. Of course our parents bought us the necessities but any extra clothes or shoes we worked for. Even with our licenses and first cars - we had to earn it. We either had to save up or my dad made a deal to buy a junk car and rebuild it with us if we helped pay for parts (mine was bit more expensive than buying a used car but it's a beautiful car and it was my pride and joy before I had kids).

    anon1986East

    Answer by anon1986East at 1:29 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • I should add however if we ever need help now as adults our parents do help out - if we need a loan they give it to us but our parents will write out a contract with scheduled payments and a deadline in which we have to repay them. I love that my parents raised us to be responsible and work hard - I owe my success and career to them.
    anon1986East

    Answer by anon1986East at 1:31 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • I'm 41. I still feel free to ask my parents for advice and for "favors" (like watching my boys so DH and I can have a vacation together). I don't think parents are ever "done" with their children.
    Dr.Donna

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 1:35 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

  • There is a big difference between enabling and helping. Giving advice when asked, offering to watch the grand children from time to time, no biggie. Raising their children or completely doing everything for them, not good at all.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 8:52 PM on Jun. 8, 2011

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