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Why do AP's close adoptins?

I think most are insecure!!!
Whatsay you???????

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:13 PM on Dec. 10, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (24)
  • Just copying and pasting from the previous question:

    I'm an AMom and we stopped visits and direct communication between us and the BMom (still did pictures and updates through agency). We did this because there were a lot of problems going on and just escalated into us being verbally attacked, lied about, accused of the most ridiculous things...the list goes on. We attempted many upon many times to smooth things over, but not only hit brick walls each time, but shear nastiness. This happened for almost 2 years before we finally had to have a break...for our sanity.

    However, we did not "close" the adoption, we just stopped the direct communication. Is it even possible for an AParent to CLOSE an adoption? Isn't that a legal thing involving records that the AParent can't change?
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:00 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • This has been asked before. Many times. You never get one AP to answer who actually closed their adoption just "because" (not including ones who did it for safety reasons so nobody needs to write 10 answers saying how they were justified & protecting their family. I am NOT talking about your case) You never hear one just admit they did it because they wanted to keep the child to themselves & forget the Bmom. It happens. I know it does. But you dont get any admitting it. Not one AP who says "No, bmom never did anything specific to piss us off or cause concern. we just stopped sending stuff." How do you go from pics & updates to silence and being ignored..sometimes you have no clue why. I dont know why. I was never given a reason & they just ignore my letters now (and no i dont write a 20 time a month or anything) once or twice a yr. only. through agency even.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:12 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I'll answer truthfully...our adoption was set up as a semi-open adoption (pics and updates and family could send gifts, etc.). Bmom chooses not to have contact with us at this point, so we don't have a choice of open or closed. With that said, I would not feel comfortable with a totally open adoption, one where Bmom visits, calls, emails, etc. Not because I want to forget about her (I would ALWAYS send pics/letters if she wanted them), but because for the moment, these are MY babies. I don't want to have to answer to someone else about how I'm raising them. It's hard to explain without it sounding like I'm a b**ch and want no contact with BMom, cause that's not the case.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 12:13 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I'm not insecure about the fact that they do have other mothers, that's just a plain fact that they have other families out there. Do I worry about what will happen when they get old enough and want to meet there Bfamilies...yes, I do. I worry about alot of things when it comes to my children, and that's just one of them. It doesn't consume me, it's just a fleeting thought every now and then. There are times when I think I could handle having visits with the Bmoms, if they wanted to, and other times I think no I just couldn't do it. I'm not in a position to have to make that decision, so right now I don't have to worry about it. Down the road, if Bmom chooses to contact us and wants to visit, I will have to decide at that time what is best for my daughter.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 12:14 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • If she's at a place where she can handle meeting her Bmom, then I will support that. If she's not at a place where she can understand what is going on, then no, I would probably have to put off the visit until she would better understand. My other daughter is foster/adopt, and she will not be meeting her Bmom until she is at least 18, no matter what. Her Bmom is a drug addict, alcoholic, and an overall bad person.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 12:14 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • LizClara...totally agree with you. Not because we are insecure..but what we feel is best for the child. The child(ren) need to have a stable, safe, and loving home. With us to communications..ie..pictures could go through the Adoption Agency ONLY! Nothing directly to us. And at the age of 18 our child could request the court to open the case file and get information regarding the adoption. And the BMom also wanted it this way. She didn't want the child confused nor upset. She wanted the child to live a happy healthy life in the good Christian home. One with a father and mother who would love, protect, and provide for.
    heavenschild99

    Answer by heavenschild99 at 12:35 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • See Lizclara, you have a reason (bmom is into drugs, alcohol etc). I'm not a drug addict, alcoholic, mental case, etc. I have other children I am raising. I am married. I have a stable life. My agreement was just to receive pics/updates every 6 mo. or so. I never had nor intended to have vists, phone calls. I have never sent a gift (just pics of my family @ the request of amom). Never interjected my opinion beyond thanking amom for letting my daughter know I love her and thanking her everytime she sent any pics. Then it all stops. Just like that it stops. Why? I dont know. I would love to know why. Will I ever know? Probably not.
    lisa89j

    Answer by lisa89j at 12:39 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • Oh & btw, this was all done through agency up till around 6 yrs ago when amom requested MY address so she could send things directly to me. Still never did she give me her info nor did I request this from her. She has used my address exactly twice in about 6 years. I got one letter/pics, then 4 yrs went by before I got anything. Now its been 2 yrs again...and she has not answered my last letters at all. All my letters consisted of that I wrote were, how are things? hope you are all well. here's what my kids are up to. here' s some pics of them. thank you thank you. I appreciate the pics and updates. thank you. thank you. SO I get cut off over that. huh. nice.
    lisa89j

    Answer by lisa89j at 12:44 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • i haven't read the responses. But, I have to say if you accuse someone of being "something, anything" , i think it's unlikely that you'll get any answer other than a defence.


    Since I'm not an adoptive parent, I'm going to make an educated guess. I believe that most adoptive parents are no more counselled on open adoption realities than birthparents are. I think that they have good intentions but when their child is beginning to understand what it means to be given up for adoption and being adopted, they are unprepared for the emotions of this and close the adoption. In this case I blame the adoption agency/ facilitator/ attorney for not counselling the adoptive parents on how to deal with this.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:34 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • Another reason could be that the aparents were not prepared for the birth mothers feelings and emotions and being scared by them close the adoption out of fear. Or, they were not prepared for their own feelings of jealousy, or possessiveness.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:37 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

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