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What's a fair chance?

My SO and I are moving in together after being together for nearly 2 years.

Things have gotten really rocky between us since we decided to move in together and found a place. Now that we have found a place and started moving our stuff in, I feel like I really need to give it a chance (and in case it's just stress from our current living situations, I don't want to end it prematurely).

My question is, for something like this, what constitutes a fair chance? I've been thinking the summer: the kids go back to school (they are my kids, he has none) Aug. 22nd, and I've been thinking that *if* it doesn't work out, Labor Day weekend would be a good time to move if we need to.

But is that long enough? Is it too long? I want to be sure that I give this a fair chance to work or not work, and to be able to know that if I leave, I truly tried all I could and gave it long enough to know that it wasn't going to work. But at the same time, I don't want to stay too long and teach my kids that they should stay in a relationship that is going downhill.

Some of the rockiness is stemming from money issues. Some of it is that he has, in the past, insulted me, called me names, blamed me for things that aren't my fault, and he constantly criticizes me. Now, I will admit I'm not perfect. I am sure that there are some things that he criticizes me for that are valid, but if I listen to him, I am nothing but a big failure that can do absolutely nothing right.

And some of it is, due to the name calling and criticism, I find myself often thinking that I'd rather be single. That my life would be better if I were single again. And of course, I know that thoughts like that lead to further discontent.

Which is why I have the question of how long is a fair chance? Is giving the relationship the summer, doing whatever I can to try to make it work, and seeing what happens a fair chance? If it's not, what would be?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:32 AM on Jun. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • Wow, he calls you names and insults you in front of your kids and your relationship is already rocky and you are thinking about when to move out as you are moving in together...??? I'd say you are making a huge mistake right now. You should stay single and stay in your own place, things aren't going to change once you live together. Good luck...it could be a long long miserable summer for you and your kids.

    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 7:38 AM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I think if you're allready planing your exit strategy than the relationship is done. Why waste another 6 months of your life unhappy. Moving in together is somthing you do when the relationship holds promise and excitement. I think your plans are about as crazy as woman who say they want a baby so 'someone will love me'.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 7:39 AM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I never said he did those things in front of my kids. He has NEVER done it in front of my kids. This all didn't start until after we'd found a place. We have a 6 month lease, so I'm stuck paying for the place anyway. That's the whole point to my question: when we signed the lease and started all this, the relationship did have promise. It's only in the last couple of weeks that all this has happened, and I'm just not so sure anymore. It's not so much that I'm planning my exit strategy as trying to figure out if things don't change, how long I should give them. It might be that once we get everything moved and settled, things will go back to normal. Truthfully, that's what I'm expecting, since he was never like this before. But at the same time, I do have kids so yeah, I do feel like I need to have a back up plan in place in case it all goes south - and I would feel that way even if our relationship were absolutely perfect.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:47 AM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • It sounds like he doesn't want to move in with you, so he's trying to give you reasons to break it off.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 7:54 AM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I think you've got to put your kids first. That being said, you may need to break the lease. Yes it may cost you in the long run, but the welfare of your children is alot more important than your credit score/history. Think of it this way... In 10-20 years, if your child came to you with this question what would you tell them? What would you want for them? I would want mine to not jump into anything to fast. I would ask them to wait to move in with thier SO. Work out your problems first.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 8:19 AM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • If you can afford to pay the rent yourself, I would NOT let him move in with me. He may be getting "cold feet" now that a real commitment has been made.....but in your words "he has, in the past, insulted me, called me names, blamed me for things that aren't my fault, and he constantly criticizes me". NONE of this is okay.....NONE. I can speak from experience because I moved in with a man and not long after I knew I had made a HUGE mistake. Please don't waist more of your time....this will NOT get better. Once you move in with him, it will get worse....honest. I've been there and it WILL get worse no matter how much you love him.
    godfreygirl143

    Answer by godfreygirl143 at 8:45 AM on Jun. 10, 2011

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