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3 Bumps

TOUGH LOVE

I am at my wits end, first let me give background information on my situation. I have three adult children ranging from 30 to 23, I was a teen mom, but I married their father and had two additional children, I did everything to keep my family together, including attending family therapy, al anon (the group for family members), needless to say he was an alcoholic with no ambition, cheater, etc, after close to 16 years I finally filed for a divorce. Fastforward 12 years, I finished medical school and residency and enjoy my career as a physician. While completing medschool, I sent two of my kids to college, one finished graduate school, is working full time in choosen field, owns a home, and travels and is TOTALLY independent. The other one kind of half heartedly finished undergrad, in 2008, STILL NO JOB, lives in my home, disrespects all of the rules, comes in and out all times of the night, drinks, surely does drugs, works a part time (like 7 to 15 hours a week), upon completion of college I bought and paid for a reliable used car, which she allowed insurance to lapse on and totaled the car, got a DUI in the process, she deals with a seedy group of people all though it changes pretty quickly, I actually had my home broken in and all of my high end electronics and jewelry were taken, police said it had to be inside job, because window was left open in my basement. I have paid for drug treatment, taken her to meetings, and left work each day to take her to day treatment program for about 2 months! The last child doesn't make the picture any sweeter, she ran a way alot, and by the time she was 17 and a half I told her she didn't need to return, (she stole my car twice and totaled it around the age of 14-15) well she finished highschool, went to college, she also had a child, eventually married and had two more children, despite the ENTIRE family telling her she was in no position to bring more children in the world. she and her husband fight and argue so much, neither is able to keep a job, I found myself paying their 900 dollar a month rent month after month so the babies would have a decent place to stay. Well they were forced to move because the landlord wanted them out and where do you think they all ended up. You guessed it with me! I am losing my mind, she sleeps most of the time, no structure at all with these kids, keeps my home filthy, the kids have damaged walls, carpet, tvs etc. I just want both of my adult daughters gone ASAP! I want my life back, so I can enjoy what is left of it.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:02 PM on Jun. 10, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (8)
  • Don't enable your kids...despite how hard they may make it appear to you. Be tough...Be strong...kick the one out, and stop supporting your daughter. They may get mad, stop talking to you...but you have MORE than supported them. Congrats on what you've accomplished...pat yourself on the back.....and if I begin to slide into this, I hope you tell me the same.

    My youngest just graduated high school..time to fly
    momma-t42

    Answer by momma-t42 at 1:26 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • Oh wow. First of all, congrats on all you have done in your life - it must have taken a lot of strength and determination on your part. Regarding your kids, it sounds like your title (tough love) is the right approach. I can only speak about what me and DH have experienced (DS is still very little) but we both knew since childhood that once we're 18, we're going to be on our own. Most people will grow up when the the situation (or family) forces them to, or they will still be loafing on their parent's couch at 40. The situation with the middle one seems the easiest to fix - give her a clear ultimatum to leave by a certain date (whenever you think is fair), and then "good luck". She's an adult and it's time to behave like one. With the youngest, I worry about the grandkids. Would you be willing to take custody of the kids if she can't provide for them? I'm not sure what the right answer is there... Maybe family counseling?
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 1:29 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • BTW, I think you can do a lot as a supportive parent just by offering emotional support and general advice. This is totally appropriate. BUT it's just unfair to you and them to financially back them as if they were just a child. They are more than old enough to survive on their own, and they need to learn what it means to be an adult (both for good and bad).
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 1:36 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • first all they are old enough to get a job and support themselves do what they ggot to do to surrive in life yea its a tough world and alot of bills to pay but its time for them to get off of mamas wing bc mama gotta have a life too
    mz_cuellar254

    Answer by mz_cuellar254 at 7:56 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • Yep, you need to develop tough love. You are enabling the two weaker kids. Tough love is tough because it is just not tough on the grown children, it is tough on us. We have to stand up for ourselves and hold ourselves to some kind of accountability. And that can be very hard. First off they ones living there need a time table to get out. And you must stop feeling sorry for their kids. I have grand kids. I know this is going to hurt the worst, but you must develop a tougher skin regarding the how, what, where and why for these little ones. If they are not being taken care of properly once they leave your home, you can call CPS. The time table should be fair and you absolutely must be able to pack their stuff and put it out in the yard when it is not followed. Be fair, be firm, and work on enforcing your boundaries. You are one smart motivated cookie, you can do this.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 5:54 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • u can start by getting cable/sattelite, internet & whatever else u don't "need" disconnected and tell them they have to pay if they want it on. also don't do anything at all for them or the kids, don't cook, clean, wash clothes, etc. sometimes that doesn't work and sometimes it does. good luck
    mrsary

    Answer by mrsary at 4:21 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • i think its hard to tell your children to get the hell out of your house when they have kids of their own and you don't want your grandchildren out on the street, but you have to do what you have to do. they are taking advantage of you and you need to let them know that they need to find a place to live and that's the end of it. you have already gone out of your way to help them, they are adults not children and you did the best you could with them. what they do in their lives is on them, their choices and decisions and they have to live with them. stick to your guns and tell them they have to leave.
    lucky35

    Answer by lucky35 at 3:27 PM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • I think you already know what you want to do, lol! So if I were you I would sit down and talk with them and then lay out the ground rules for your house.... let them know that if they don't follow the rules, then you will boot them out with only the kids being allowed to stay... and then I would follow through with it if needed, and make sure to file all of the necessary paperwork you would need for it....
    momof2redhedz

    Answer by momof2redhedz at 12:41 AM on Jul. 3, 2011

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