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Is roamnce dead?

i am just having on of those days where i feel like DH just doesn't care anymore and makes no effort what so ever i have tried starting it myself to give him some incentive and all that does is make him expect from me and when i dont he gets upset!!! ARGGGGH does anyone else feel that way?

 
amberpaiz

Asked by amberpaiz at 2:51 PM on Jun. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Level 24 (18,644 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Once I realized that this was the truth of my situation, I took the steps to accept that realization.From there. I started doing those little things because I wanted to. I made the active choice to do things (those special loving romantic things) for my husband because I wanted to, because I got pleasure out of doing those things.What I started experiencing was a whole new level of joy and satisfaction out of doing those things, and I really believed it showed.Also, I no longer got upset, hurt, felt unappreciated or like I was wasting my time if my husband did not respond in kind. Why? because I know longer had an expectation of what I wanted in return, so when it didn't happen, I didn't hurt. I think these changes in the way I thought of things and I approached things, changed the overall "feel"/"mood" in regards to what I was doing.When the mood changed. So did my husband and like responses started just flowing from him.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 4:04 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I can only share what I have learned during my marriage in regards to romance/myself/my husband (we've been married 26 years).

    Romance is in the eye of the beholder. I learned and accepted many years ago that my idea of romance and my husband's aren't the same things (reality is most men/women's idea of romance is very different). I thought my husband wasn't romantic, I thought I instigated and got nothing in return, I felt unappreciated because of these things. Those feelings caused issues in my marriage. What we both finally learned was this. We were both being romantic, however since neither of us really knew/understood what each other viewed as romantic, both of our efforts were going unrecognized. Which made us both feel rejected, unwanted and like the other wasn't romantic. Once I learned/understood my husband's /he mine idea of romance. I found my husband to be a hopeless romantic who does romantic things everyday.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:56 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • oh i totally agree with you our romance is not the same in fact i went to a seminar about the five love languages and we found out what each others is. And i found that mine is acts of service and his is physical touch. i have been being more physical with him in hopes that he will do more for me and i am not asking for the world just maybe that he would do the dishes even just one night or watch the kids so i can get things done and then spend quality time wth him. I just feel like i am puting alot of effort in and getting nothing in return i don't expect it to be easy or to change overnight but i would like a little progress
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 3:03 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • May I ask.. Have you flat out asked him to do those things for you and explained that doing so would help you to be more less tired, less stressed, feel more appreciated and (the biggie that most men "get" finally.. lol) be able to spend more one on one time with him?

    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:06 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • yeah i have i have tried every approach that the seminar reccomended i have put into terms that he can understand and relate to and been very nice not nagging about it. And i have even made very big deals out of the littlest thing trying to show him that i appreciate and trying to do more and i got laughed at. he doesn't know this but i cried in the bathroom after he did that. It seems like in my eyes it looks like he figures i do enough for the both of us so i don't need to. And i am not so blind as to think that he is a mind reader i have discussed all of this with him and he always responds with yeah i know i will try and fix it.. but nothing . Part of me thinks well maybe i shoudl stop everything that i am doing but i am afraid that he is gonna get really pissed about that and he has a tendency to take it out on the kids.
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 3:10 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I'm definitely feeling you.Been in that phase of this type of situation many years ago, Here's what worked for me.I didn't quit doing the those little things (you know, the things you've been doing to express yourself/your feelings..etc) What I did was change my perception of why I did them, which changed my overall outlook which changed my husband's responses.I continued doing things, however I dropped the hopes/expectations that things be done for me in return. Why? Sounds like I just gave up.lol..But that's not what happened.I realized that it was foolish of me to expect something in return and be hurt because it didn't happen. My expectations were what caused my hurt, not really my husband's actions.Once I realized that, I also realized that just doing those little things made me happy, made me feel good regardless of how he responded. This realization/acceptance actually made me a happier person & my husband acted in kind
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:16 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • To be honestly I am beginning to believe that it is dying, if not dead. Men are lazy and complacent about romance. They seem to think that if they have a ring on your finger that they don't do anything more. That NO ONE ELSE
    stitchintime

    Answer by stitchintime at 3:43 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • pixie trix i am willing to try that but how do you go about starting that i am not dumb by any means i just meant i guess do i start out small and then get bigger? i just need some pointers. thank you for the ideas
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 3:47 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • wants you and they are safe with you. Now they have you and you are their slave and no one can do anything about it. You need to romance yourself, buy yourself some flowers now and again, to go the spa and be nice to yourself( or have your own spa at home),
    take yourself out to lunch. Just be nice to you if he won't. Love your self that is the most important thing for you at this point.
    stitchintime

    Answer by stitchintime at 3:47 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • take baby steps, and it will be easier for you.
    stitchintime

    Answer by stitchintime at 3:51 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

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