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I think my 18 yr old daughter is going down the wrong path

The wrong path is putting it mildly! She is supposed to be going to school full time (who knows if she really goes until she shows you her grades?). She tells us today that she wants to quit school. She also tells us she pierced her septum...and got another tattoo. Ugh. So I check our internet filter....she's sending multiple e-mail addresses naked pics of herself. What a mess. What do I do? We told her before no more tattoos or piercings until she's independent from us financially. OK. Now what? Do we kick her out? If she doesn't go to school full time, she'll lose her medical insurance in Feb. Our deal was, get A's and B's in college and we'll take care of the car....hmmm? Now what? Kick her out with no car or medical insurance? I think she may be up for going to a community college instead of the university. Is she lost? Do I drug test her? Seriously, what do I do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:30 AM on Dec. 11, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (13)
  • Above all, keep your end of the agreement. If she didn't keep hers, that means no car. or that she pays for it. (Did you co-sign for it? That would leave you up a creek.)

    I'd think about charging her rent, too, rather than throwing her out.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:36 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I think you should make her get a job and start paying some of her own bills, as she is now an adult. I think it would teach her responsibility. I wouldn't give her any money or help her with a car unless she really earns it. I'm 23, so I wasn't 18 that long ago. I know I had to go to school and babysit for extra spending money. As for sending nude pictures of herself, that can be very dangerous. There are men online who might try to convince her to meet up with them, and do things she may not want to do. I know it's hard, when it's your child, but there comes a time when you have to start getting her to be more reponsible and independent. Whatever you do, don't give in when she needs things. I surely hope you are not paying for her tattoos and piercings, she can do that herself.
    beforeyoureyes

    Answer by beforeyoureyes at 1:37 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I did a bunch of really bad things when I was that age. She's going through a "I am going to prove to you that I am 18 and an adult" stage. SO, treat her like one. DON'T ENABLE her. If she wants to act like an adult...treat her like one. I agree with beforeyoureyes. She needs to pay rent and pay for her car payment. If she cannot then NO CAR. She knows the deal. She just doesn't believe that you will take it away.
    KaceesMom

    Answer by KaceesMom at 1:45 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • wow, thats alot well if you tell her to do one thing she'll do the opposite! thats a fact. i'm 22 and when my parents said no dating i was like pssht. i'm 18 cant tell me nothing! but i was working full time and going to school. and if you had a deal keep to it. take away the car. take away everything no money nothing! she doesnt deserve it!! kick her out if you must. she's 18. she'll know what to do! :( i'm sorry i'm not much help. anon mom! :(
    MommaBear1129

    Answer by MommaBear1129 at 2:13 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • Well, she's an adult so you can't make her take a drug test. But, I agree with the others: she's trying to prove she's an adult by doing things you don't approve of. So, treat her like one. Sit her down and remind her of the agreement. Then just tell her that since she's not living up to her end of it, you've decided the best way to continue to help her is to begin charging her rent and for the car. Tell her she needs to get a job asap and begin paying rent and for the car on X date. If she balks (and you know she will), just tell her it's this or the original agreement. If she wants to go back to the original agreement, I'd let her but I'd make clear this is the last chance. She starts slacking off on it again, then her new rent and car payment will be due immediately, and treat her like a landlord would. She can't pay, she's got X days to move out. She'll probably straighten up pretty quick.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 6:15 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • Thank you all. I'm going to have to put on my Tough Mom hat. I'm just so, so sad that the trust was broken. I now question everything in the last 6 months. She's just totally fallen apart. This just sucks.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • Yes put on your tough mom hat....Its gonna break your heart, but it needs to be done. Send her to the "school of hard knocks". Works wonders. It did for me anyway. Unfortuately, I can;t send my 14 yr old there. I would love to, but right now, I am still responsible for her every move, but yet, I cant make every choice for her. Ugh...it makes me mad thinking about it.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:28 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I hear you! My 18 year old daughter has been making poor choices. She still lives at home her father and I expect her to finish her senior year, get a part time job and follow house rules. She does not have a car her father and I made it clear that unless she graduates from school we will not allow or help her to drive. Now she is 18 she still is not driving, which I prefer. We will not help her purchase a car until she follows our rules! She is a party girl, comes and goes as she wishes, stopped going to school for the past month. I learned she was arrested Monday, she never called to let us know. her father and I decided to let her stay in jail if she did call. She is an adult and there are consequences for her actions. We as parents can only do so much, one thing I know for sure, I am not going to enable our daughter.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:28 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • my mother tried to fix me and all it did was make me hate her since the time i was going down the wrong path i on my own realized it was stupid now im back in school wit my own place and baby on the way with a great job all tht is going to happen if u continue to pry into her life and fix her mistakes is make her hate u and resent u....i still have a bad relationship wit my mother cuz she did wat ur tryin to do
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • i find this offensive i have perircings and am going to get a tatto next month..i dont get what is horrible about that...as far as the naked pictures if shes in college thats prolly normal and why are you looking at what she e mailing at is a complete invasion of privacy that is uncool ..as far as school and the car if she wants your help then she shouldnt bite the hand that feeds so to speak...you need to crack the whip and get strict and she will eaither shape up or run off on her own
    akashaismyworld

    Answer by akashaismyworld at 6:14 AM on Dec. 26, 2008

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