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Why do we women have issues with the ex? Any words of wisdom would be great...

My DH's ex is the BEST friend of one of my best friends. Although, she lives 7 states away, so we don't see her much. When my Dh broke up with her (because he says he was not in love) he told her they could always remain friends & she took that to heart. I know she was head over heels for him, because i read a few of her love letters when DH & I first started dating. He has now gotten rid of them.

The problem is...i really like her. But, i get so damn self conscious when she is around. I feel torn. If i know she is coming to town, i start dieting & i go buy nice clothes & i begin to freak out a little. She makes me more insecure of myself than anyone or anything. I am normally a very confident woman.

I have no worries about "anything happening" between her & my hubby. He told me flat out that he had to break it off with her because he just wasn't that into her & said he definitely was not in love...but she i guess i worry that she may have some secret resentment towards me or him. She is 5 years older than DH, but 15 years older than me. He says if anything bothers her, it's that he married a younger woman.

It's been about 10 years since they've been together, so a long time has passed. But, my gut tells me that she holds some kind of resentment, i can just feeeeel it. I have tried to make friends with her, but she does not seem interested so i stopped trying. She is happy with being acquaintances, I'm OK with that. I treat her respectfully & we all have fun when she is here visiting. But, i have a hard time being myself when she is here. I'm usually the life of the party, when she is here...i tend to shy away in the corner.

Anyhow, do any of you have to deal with your DH's ex at certain social gatherings?

Why is it that i worry so much when she is around? Why do i have a harder time "just being myself" when she is around?

She is not a threat.....but she is kind of sexy....

I guess i just need some words of wisdom if anyone has any....


Asked by Anonymous at 4:31 PM on Jun. 10, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I'm so glad I'm not the only one! LOL DH still talks to his ex, and my in-laws see her all the time, so we're stuck being around her. She's likable, and I can see what DH liked about her at one time. It's really hard to be confident when she's around, even though I know DH has no interest (I don't think she does either). I'm younger than DH, and she is older, so I can relate there, too. The best thing I can offer is, know that your hubs is with YOU now, that there isn't anything to worry about there, and that it's just going to take getting used to. It's okay to feel like you need to fluff your feathers a bit when she's around- that may never go away. I'm the same way. Have you talked to DH about how you feel? Do they have any kids together? I know my DH is very understanding when I talk honestly about how I feel about his ex. Just know you're not alone, and that even though it's not a competition, you won! ;-)

    Answer by musicpisces at 4:38 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I dont know why you do but as an "ex" and having gone through more than one step mom, one was much younger, she really might not want to be friends with you because she doesnt feel besides having this man in common there is nothing else in common? That is quite an age difference you know? I wouldnt feel insecure but would just take her for what shes worth. She is being nice to you right? So she doesnt hate you. If she did you would really know it.

    Answer by gemgem at 4:35 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • I have issues regarding my husband's ex too. Only she had an affair & left him for another man. I know my husband loves and is loyal to me. It's more her that I don't like. She's a big flirt and has no boundaries since she went after married men when she was married to my husband. I feel like now that she isn't with him, she enjoys flirting with him in a very subtle way (standing close to him, brushing lint off his lapel, etc.) She's extra nice to me and wants to be my friend, but I realized I just want no part of her because I can't trust her. I will never let there be a situation if I can help it where she is alone with him. I just think she is disrespectful to me by wanting to be near him when I'm not around. It's a territorial thing between women. My husband is clueless to her games.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 5:31 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • Do you mean an ex wife that he has kids with or an ex girlfriend from back in the day? I don't know why so many people worry about what happened before them, if he wanted to marry her and be with her he would be,, I don't know why if she lives 100's of miles away your would ever have to see her, and if your friend that she is friends with is starting drama, let it go! UGGG! Be happy with your man and don't give anyone else the thought of coming between you.

    Answer by kimigogo at 4:41 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • i divorced because my ex h couldn't let go of an ex. in your case he did let go so...

    Answer by mrsary at 5:10 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • yes, she is being nice. The thing is....i am very close with all of her friends, or shall i say....she is very close with my friends. Her best friend is also my best friend & is also 15 years older than me. Age is not really an issue in our group of friends, the age range is 25-60. Also, I know she has other close friends that are my age. So, i don't think the age difference is an issue. /Besides the age difference, we actually have quite a lot in common.

    The fact that she does not live here it think makes a difference. Every time we hang out it's with a large group of friends.

    I guess i feel that if she wants so badly to stay friends with my DH, it's only respectful to also be my friend too. Should i not think that way?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:40 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • yes, i talk to DH about it a lot. He is very understanding about it all.....he thanks me often saying he could not do it if the tables were turned & that makes me a better person than he. Luckily, they don't have kids together...they just share history.

    Thanks's good to know I'm not the only one. Your words really meant a lot to me...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:43 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • sorry....old girlfriend...ALTHOUGH...they were friends for years before they tried at a relationship. She confessed her love to him, he tried it out & was not impressed. He said he should have stayed friends with her....

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:44 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • there's no drama with friends. She visits about twice a year & we have a large group of mutual friends. The last thing i am going to do is avoid her just because she is an ex. If all my friends are going to a concert, i am going to go too regardless if she is there or not. I don't want her thinking i have any issues with her....that would defeat everything...I'm happy with her thinking that i am cool as a cucumber & that she does not affect me in any way.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:46 PM on Jun. 10, 2011