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My boys want to move and live with their biological father, should I let them go?

My heart is breaking but my 10 and 11 year old sons want to move 3 hours away to live with their dad.

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karen300655

Asked by karen300655 at 8:31 AM on Dec. 11, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (13)
  • Depends on why. If its because the dad doesnt have as many rules as you do then I would say no. I would probably wait until they reach the legal age to choose, which in most states is 12-14 yrs old. I would tell them once they get to that age and still want to move then you would let them (if dad has decent rules). If they just think itll be more fun with dad no I wouldnt send them.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:33 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I guess I would wonder why they would want to move. Is he more lenient? I don't really think a 10 and 11 year old would be able to make a choice like that for the right reasons. Maybe you should sit them down with their father and talk about it.
    sbastille

    Answer by sbastille at 8:34 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I would let them go, as hard as it would be on me, boys NEED their dads, they'll be back but let them see that sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side :)
    tntornado45

    Answer by tntornado45 at 8:48 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • definitley find out WHY. They may just miss thier dad and want to see him more. Kids choose a long-term thing when really just more visitation and/or activites with dad might satisfy their needs.
    MammaMia72

    Answer by MammaMia72 at 10:48 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I think it's something most kids from divorce want to do-it's normal-they don't understand how this crushes you-they cannot understand -until they have their own kids and not even then because we moms had them:)-Most boys want the connection with the dad really because of the guy factor-of course many other reasons too-but that is usually the number one response-they may not tell you why because they really don't know themselves- they don't want to hurt you I'm sure but the desire is too great for them to not be curious-if ex is an ok dad-I would let them go-no matter what happens ( they don't come back or they do) the bond you have with them and how you get through this with them will only create a stronger mother son(s) relationship-show them how adults handle these types of challenges-I'll be here for you with tissues....been there...done that....everyone's situation is different and we can just be strong for each other:)
    gzee

    Answer by gzee at 12:08 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I agree it depends on why. It would definitely be a signal to me they need to spend more time with dad and I would try to help make that happen.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 12:23 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I did this with my daughter and it was the worst mistake ever!!! it was the longest ugliest 7 months and it ruined her relationship with her father. I would maybe see what could be done about the boys spending more time with dad but really thing this through. The grass is only greener when you are standing on the other side of the fence. Good luck and if you need to send me a msg I could share more or help more if ya need...
    mamakirs

    Answer by mamakirs at 1:12 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I agree you should ask why. There are also other issues to consider that the kids may not be thinking about. If thier dad lives 3 hours away, they will more than likely need to change schools if they go to live with thier dad. Are they aware of the types of changes that would occur as a result of thier decision? Maybe you should have a talk with them about what changes they expect and maybe get Dads input on what changes would actually take place. They may not understand that living with Dad will not be exactelly the same as visiting dad. Maybe they have unrealistic expectations? Maybe your kids are very mature and do understand these things. If they are really prepared than maybe you should consider it, think about what is best for the kids and try to step back from the emotions of it. Try to look at the situation distanced a bit, what advice would you give someone else asking the same question?
    AprilD32

    Answer by AprilD32 at 2:26 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • All good points for certain but stopping your kids from learning that the grass is not always greener on the other side..well almost all people have to learn that lesson on their own... If asking them why will make or break your decision then that is important of course, but will they be honest  or do they even know why ?Only these things you know for certain:) I fought it all the way but he was old enough according to the courts to go-he came home in less than 6 months- I knew his "father" was not his best choice for many reasons - Each person here has solid input-my heart goes out to you. My son and I are very close today he has shared with me his feelings "the real ones" when he was older-it wasn't because of me-it was he wanted to get to know his father . Along with other things "guys" go through. For what it is worth-alot of people care about what you are going through along with your sons. Blessed Be.

    gzee

    Answer by gzee at 4:44 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • I agree with finding out the reason why they want to do this. My 12 year old step son did the same thing over the summer "I want to go live with my mother". (My husband and I have full custody of her two sons, the 12 year old is not biologically my husbands and the 12 year old has known this for several years.)  He said to spend more time with his mother and his sister who is 4.  In reality it was due to the fact that him and his brother, who is 10, clash a lot they are total opposite and that he did not do well in 5Th grade and could possibly repeat the grade. We let him stay with her over the summer on and off for 2 weeks. Before school started, we asked what his decision was and he relived why he did not live with her anymore.

    mircopreemiemom

    Answer by mircopreemiemom at 11:56 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

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