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2 Bumps

Stood up - by my son - for the 3rd time in a row. Now what?

I live across the state - I've gone back to my hometown twice to visit - and my oldest son stood me up both times. Now that we're being transferred back, my husband is there - and painting our house this weekend. My son was supposed to go out and help - especially since he called two days ago and asked to borrow money because he is broke and don't get paid till next Friday. My husband met up with him and gave him $200 and told him that it WAS NOT a loan and that he had to work it off helping paint the house. My son was supposed to show up at 1 o'clock today - DH is still at the house painting and my son has never shown up. And I can't reach him anywhere. (and yes, I've called the hospital and the jail - he's neither place) And there's no answer at his work - they only work half days on Saturday. I even called his roommate, and I talked to one of his co-workers - I know that he worked until noon, and that he never went home after work - so where he took off to instead of going out to work off the money DH fronted him - I can't imagine. (and this is the first time we've given him so much as a dollar in over 3 years) So it's not like this is normal - we don't believe in handing $$ out to ungrateful kids. DH had a soft spot for him one time - and he does this - GAH! And DH even warned him that he better show his ass up and make good or he'd come looking for him. DH is already talking about going to the boys apartment when he gets finished painting - heaven forbid if DH actually finds the boy - he might get a butt whooping this time.

I'm so sick of his games and him using me. I mean - use ME - but when you get DH (his step-dad) involved, he's asking for real fire. This time he didn't screw me over, he screwed his step-dad over. I just couldn't be more pissed off and disappointed than I am right now.
We were already VERY reserved about giving him money - and DH only agreed to let him have the $$ because the boy agreed to work it off. I'm literally so bleeping mad I could scream!!!!!! He just don't get that when he pisses DH off, there WILL BE NO MORE help from us because I couldn't and wouldn't go behind DH's back to give that boy money that DH works hard for. I mean, we moms take a lot of abuse sometimes, but when he gets on DH's bad side - there's no "bond" to save his ass from being cut off permanently.

I'm not even sure what to say to the boy when I do finally get hold of him.
What would you say?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:32 PM on Jun. 11, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (13)
  • I understand your frustrations! He lied and got the money. Well he just cut off the hand that helps! Very dumb move! I have 2 sons, ages 24 & 19, and neither one would dare try that on me! I'm sorry he let you down :(

    Answer by Kathy675 at 5:40 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • First of all, give him the benefit of the doubt, you don't know where he is and perhaps something came up. As far as a "whooping" he is 18 and if your DH shows up at his home to "whoop him" your DH will go to jail. Don't give anyone money that you will be upset about not getting back, I would tell him he is still expected to pay the money back.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 8:10 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • Just tell him, you're disappointed that he didn't stick to his end of the deal and there will be no more money. He let you down and that is that. There isn't much else you can do. He lives on his own, sounds like he doesn't appretiate the relationship you all could have.

    Answer by ILoveCade at 8:18 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • Hopefully he will meet up with you and the two of you can talk. I just wonder why he stood you up now 3 times. For some reason he does not want to face you. I would not be so quick to yell or scream, but to get to the reason as to why he may be doing this. He needs to know he can talk to you about anything. Of course, what he did was wrong, but I just hope nothing is wrong. I would be more concerned as to why he seems to be avoiding you. If this is not normal for him, that is even more concerning. I hope everything will be okay.

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 8:43 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • My son is a great manipulator. And I guess there isn't room here to get into all the finer points - but let me highlight some things. His dad was very abusive emotionally and mentally to all of us. We divorced when the boy was 16. His dad did't contact him for 4 years. When his dad did contact him, naturally he wanted a relationship with his dad. Almost immediately I started having trouble with him doing drugs, drinking, not following any rules, not keeping a job, going to jail, being extremely disrespectful and causing trouble in our home. Every time something came up I would find out later that his dad was at the root of it. 3 years ago I literally had to go get the boy from my ex husband's house - he was suicidal and the police called me, I had to go talk him into going to the hospital (or they were going to take him forcefully). We put him in MRMR, got him a counselor and on medication. His depression was severe. Cont'd

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:19 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • This was the same boy who started working when he was 14 and always kept a job. A boy who was a 4 year ROTC Sergeant, a 6 year band member, straight A student. To say the divorce messed him up might be an understatement. Yes, I had him in counseling - we started counseling as soon as the ex and I separated. He graduated 5th in his class and joined the Marines. He was discharged from the Marines after his fiance sent him a "dear John" letter - medical discharge for depression. He's never seemed to bounce back. Won't stay on depression medication, won't do anything consistently now. Somewhere he made a 180 and has stayed that way. He's lived with me a number of times - but he can't do that anymore - the last time he lived with me, he actually hit me, broke 2 of my fingers and smashed up my house. This was after I had to go get him from his Dad's house. We found out during that time that his dad fills his head with some bad...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:26 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • bad stuff. His dad has been (and I presume still is) telling him stuff like " you're a piece of shit and you don't matter. You think you matter but you're just a piece of shit welder's helper and that makes you nothing", "I don't care if I have a relationship with you or not".
    I fell apart inside when I found out about all of this stuff - but there's little I can do about it. I've tried to let my son live with me, but if he won't take his medication, follow through with his counseling, continues to do drugs and is abusive - I can't have him in my house. He calls periodically, and will talk to me in depth about how he feels, and what he wants in life and how afraid he is - but I can't get him to actually follow through on taking a step to get any help. Any time he's supposed to visit with me - he stands me up and I find out later that he was at his dad's house. I'm afraid to ask him if his dad gives him extra hell for

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:34 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • committing to visit with me, because I'm afraid I already know the answer. When he asked for money, we asked him if he had asked his dad for a loan - and he told us that he hadn't because the strings attached are too hard to deal with. When I asked him what he meant - he said "you know mom, like when I was supposed to mow the yard and didn't - dad wouldn't say anything and just go mow the lawn, then 3 weeks later he still wouldn't talk to me and if I asked him why he was mad - THEN he would explode and tell me how lazy and good for nothing I was. If I borrow money from him, or even when he gives me money like for my birthday or Christmas, I hear about it later and he makes me feel like I stole something from him"
    I used to be the codependent person - the enabler of the abusive alcoholic. I'm scared to death that now my son is being "held" in the same way that I was for all those years.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:40 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • And I don't have the power or the will to be the one to sever the tie between him and his dad. I want him away from that man - I want him to be well, but after 4 years it's been proven time and again that his dad has a hold on him that I can't identify or help him break away from. I am moving back there and we do plan to go back into family counseling - I'm hoping and praying that my son will go with me - and I won't be in family counseling alone.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:43 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • Your first mistake is...the boy. A) he's not a boy and B) he's YOUR SON. Perhaps he disrespects YOU because you don't give HIM any respect??? Just saying.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:42 AM on Jun. 12, 2011

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