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A question for moms of teenage boys..

My son has ADHD and since he is out of school. I do not give him his medication. I do this every summer hoping he will put on some weight. Seeing as he only needs it to sit still and focus on his school assignments. I figure I can handle him being hyper and immature for a few months. Being a mother, I would rather deal with the negative side of him so that he gains weight. The reason I am telling this story is to get to my next story. I am not sure if his ADHD is the result or if he is being a disrespectful spoiled child. So here goes... This morning I was getting our things together so that he, my husband (his step dad of 8yrs), (he doesn't see his bio father) myself and my 18month old nephew.. So that we could go and spend the day at the pool.. As always, my son started running his mouth and had nothing but negative comments to say, so I told him to keep his mouth shut and as I have told him all of his life.. I followed with "if you have nothing nice or positive to say, don't say anything at all". I turned my back and my husband walked out and caught him shooting me a bird(the middle finger).. My husband flipped out.. We were both shocked and I told my son I couldn't believe he had shot me a bird and I was in tears... I feel totally disrespected and really don't even want to talk to him right now.. Before my now husband, it was only my son and I. Yes I spoiled him as a child for several reasons. A few being, he is a miracle child. He has a heart problem and now has a pacemaker, on top of me having Lupus, I have swapped chromosomes so having a child was unheard of for me.. And since his father wasn't around and I had to bust my butt to raise him, I felt guilty for having to leave him all of the time so I guess I gave him a little to much. I did my best to raise him. If he is around other adults....at a friends house or just in the public, he always uses his manners. It is only me and his step dad that he disrespects. It's all of the time. He has to say the last word, he seems to be the most unhappy child all of the time, unless of course we are doing what he wants to do. I am getting into another subject. I just really need advice on how to handle this situation. How to punish him and what to say. My husband seems to go over the top sometimes, like because of what my son did, he thinks EVERYTHING should be taken put of his room and he should be grounded for the whole summer. I know he needs to be punished, but I also know he is not the only child that has done this, I did it, and several people I have discussed this with said they have done it but just didn't get caught. I not trying to make light of the situation either: anyway, please don't even bother replying if your going to be mean.. If I didn't need GOOD advice, I would not be on here asking strangers.. I don't need to be ridiculed.. If you don't agree with anything in this message, that's ok. Just keep it to yourself and go answer another mothers question. Thanks for reading..

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Sistawolf

Asked by Sistawolf at 6:30 PM on Jun. 11, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 5 (60 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • I think you are all making WAY too much of this.
    Yes, it was HORRIBLY disrespectful. Yes, you should be mad.
    But it was not meant for you to see.... not that it is excusable.... but he didnt do it to your face.
    He should be punished.
    But for you to cry over it and get to the point of not being able to talk to him is WAY over board.

    for a point of reference... I have a 14 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter. They are good kids (like your son sounds) but I have had to deal with smart remarks and inappropriate words when they have been mad. I dealt with it knowing it was an immature (and highly inappropriate) response to their anger. Not that they didnt love me or that I had failed them in some way.

    He is fine, you are fine... it was just a bad moment in time. Put it in perspective and deal with the issue at hand.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:42 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • Hello and GREAT to read your letter. I have a 17 yr old son who is "twins" with yours in personality and manners. I also raised him alone and he is spoiled rotten and when i got married 2 yrs ago he didn't get all the attention. So he would argue with me and want the last word for everything, not listening doing bad in school etc. He has never been rude to his step father but sometimes says little things and he has flipped me off to and I tell him not to do that and he needs to have more respect. All kids go through this phase so now what I do, when my son is on his "monthly Period" i ignore him so we don't argue because he will continue arguing until i cuss him out. Taking things away wont work either so I just tell him he can't hang out with friends until his attitude gets better or i just walk away after i say what i need to say. Teen boys are the worst to handle so dont give up but dont let him run the house or you.
    dusty1962

    Answer by dusty1962 at 6:51 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • For the comment of me taking this WAY overboard because I got upset. That is why I explained a little of the past. I live on this earth for my son. And for him to disrespect me like he did is not right. Regardless if he did it behind my back or to my face. I mean if I don't do anything about it, then the next step for him could be getting in my face.. And if that happens, he may be picking himself off the ground.. And for the comment from dusty.. Thanks for your advice.. Lol. Sounds like we do have twins and you and I are similar as well.. ;)
    Sistawolf

    Comment by Sistawolf (original poster) at 7:07 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • I DID agree that you need to do something about it.... I just said your reaction to get THAT hurt was extreme.
    He DOES need to be punished... I agree 100%.

    I have to say the comment "I live on this earth for my son" is a bit much. What will happen in a couple years when he moves out to go to college? I agree 100% with the choices you have made re: medication... and can only imagine the emotional stress. Im sure this has lead to your reaction. All I was trying to point out is that you put this in perspective.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:29 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • First, you need to stop living on this earth for your son. He needs to learn how to be independent before he goes off on his own and you need to learn to live for YOU. As for him flipping you the bird, relax. Just because he flipped you off doesn't mean he is going to get in your face or hit you. Do you not remember being a teenager? Yes, it's disrespectful and inappropriate, so instead of crying and not talking to him sit down and explain to him why you don't like what he did and teach him appropriate ways to deal with his anger and emotions. Punishing him for his behavior is not what is being talked about overreacting, your response to his anger is.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 8:02 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • I'm sorry.. I guess I just rambled on so much that I didn't really make myself clear. I did get upset when he did what he did, and also didn't want to talk to him at that moment. But I didn't continue to cry nor have I ignored him all day. And yes, I got away from my question with all the rambling on so I blame myself for the replies I am getting. I REALLY need help on how to punish him. If I say anything about how long he should be punished or that he isn't the only teen that has done this my husband thinks I sugar coating what he did.. He thinks he should be grounded for a least a month from his TV or going skating on his normal Friday night.. Regardless of what it's from.. He thinks it should be for at least a month. I think that is to long..
    Sistawolf

    Comment by Sistawolf (original poster) at 8:25 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • Yes. I think a month is over kill.... unless there are other offences (like talking about sex with his VERY young girlfriend)... yes I looked back to other posts.  Perhaps THAT is something that is making this feel worse than it is.  Maybe you are feeling like his choices of late are sliding the wrong direction.


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • >I think you SHOULD come down hard... but a month seems a bit much.... UNLESS you point out that it isnt so much the fact that he flipped you off that got him the month... but the fact that MANY of his choices are making you question his morals, his maturity, and his thought process. I think a month is good ONLY if you incorporate the BIG picture and not just what transpired today.

    Also, I have found (with my 14 yr old boy) that volunteer hours work well as punishment. Serving soup, stocking the food pantry, are two that work well for getting them to see where poor life choices lead... and to bring their focus out side of themselves.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 PM on Jun. 11, 2011

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