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Would you tell?

My husband was trying to get the entire month of June off so we could go visit his family up in WA for a couple weeks before he deploys. He has tons of leave anyway, and he likes to take big chunks like that to be able to de-stress from his job.

Anyway, gas prices skyrocketed, and with a family of 6, we weren't sure we had enough saved to be able to make it up there. His mom (drama queen #1) told us she understood about it being too expensive for us to come up, etc, which, that's HUGE of her to say. We've not been able to visit since the boy was very young (he's the 2nd born), so none of the family have gotten to meet the two youngest, except hub's parents. They came down for a visit a couple summers ago.

Anyway, here's my dilemma. I've been having this feeling that if I don't take the kids down to visit my parents, we won't get to see my father again. He's in really bad health (only 61, but been a smoker since early teens). He has bladder cancer, and it is attacking him very hard. My mom and brother have plans to come up here mid-July (my husband may or may not still be here), and I was thinking about following them back down, regardless of whether or not my husband had left yet or not.

Obviously, I feel horrible about telling our in-laws, yeah, we don't have any money to go visit you, but I'll go visit my folks. At least, that's how I'm afraid she'll perceive it. There's more to why we weren't able to go up there...the idiots in my hub's office failed to write down that he wanted the month of June off, and now he has pre-deployment appointments all throughout this month. So its not JUST about the money. And I don't really feel comfortable enough to go up there by myself with the kids. I really don't know his family all that well.

My husband thinks we should just not tell her about me going and visiting my folks, but I feel its a horrible idea not to tell her and risk her finding out and throwing a hissy fit. I want to explain to her why I feel I NEED to go visit my folks (btw, my dad cannot travel and therefore cannot come visit, and she knows this, so the only way for my dad to see the kids is when we come visit).

So yeah, I'm wanting to know, would you tell? Or would you try to avoid the forthcoming drama and not tell her?

 
hopeandglory53

Asked by hopeandglory53 at 7:57 PM on Jun. 12, 2011 in Relationships

Level 33 (57,941 Credits)
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Answers (12)
  • Yes, she needs to be told.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 8:01 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • Wow, it's a delicate situation for sure, but I'll share my story: my dad died last year, but we had some warning - he'd been battling cancer and mom said she could see he was failing, so I took my two youngest kids (Dad had never met the little girl) and visited for a couple of days. I'd love to have been able to take the whole family but we have 6 kids and could not afford it. Anyway, in retrospect, I'm so glad we went down, he got to meet his youngest granddaughter, and I got to see him one last time. I adored my Dad. The chance to visit will never come back. So for you? I'd say it's something you need to do, while he's still with you. As for telling the in-laws? I think they would understand, so I'd probably tell them he's dying and this is the last chance you'll ever have to see him, so yeah, it takes priority, even if you can barely afford it. If she doesn't respond with kindness and understanding, she's cold.
    judimary

    Answer by judimary at 8:06 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • I would explain the situation to her, you don't want her finding out in some form or other, without an explanation of why you chose to do that.
    momov4kids

    Answer by momov4kids at 8:00 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • i wouldnt tell just because she might try to guilt you into changing ur plans. plus maybe shes changinging since she was able to accept ya'll not coing over there due to finances. given your dads health status i think she will ultimately understand. she may not like it but its the right thing to do.
    iluvmybabe

    Answer by iluvmybabe at 8:02 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • I wouldn't tell her. And if she finds out, explain that your father is in really bad health, and you felt you NEEDED to visit him (kinda guilt trip her...a little manipulative I know, but its the truth really) And also say that you didn't want to mention it to her because you didn't want to hurt her feelings because you guys really wanted to go, but money was the issue, and you felt that it was really important to see your father, even though money was tight.
    monstersmommy20

    Answer by monstersmommy20 at 8:02 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • Honestly, and I am sure I'll get voted down for this, but I would tell a "white lie" here and say that your parents helped you pay for the trip to see them, and then also tell her about the concerns with your father.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 8:06 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • Me being honest even when i dont want to be lol... i would tell her. i would explain that this may be the last time yuou get to see him. If she cant understand and accept the circumstances than that really is her loss! Family should be number one and you have made it clear that you want to come see her just aren't able to! good luck!@
    JAZ_MOMMY2

    Answer by JAZ_MOMMY2 at 8:06 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • I would tell her but say that your parents are giving you the gas money to come since your father is sick and may not live to see another visit.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 8:26 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • I would tell her. Your Dad is sick and if she has any compassion she will understand. Imagine not telling her and you go and she finds out....a drama queen would probably eat that up, or if you don't go and something happens with your Dad. By the way, I feel your pain...I have two drama queens in my life, my Mom and my Mom-in-law. Good Luck whatever you decide.
    lennonluv2

    Answer by lennonluv2 at 8:30 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • I'd tell her the truth: your dad is in bad health, you're afraid you won't see him again and this might be your last chance to see him. If she can't understand that, that's her problem.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:42 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

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