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2 Bumps

Any kind of advice would help...sorry super long

i caught my husband stashing his weed in our garage. before we got married and we were dating i made it clear to him that this is not what i want in my marriage that he would have to stop any drinking or weed smoking which i never witnessed just knew he did cause he stated so. after several months and everything seemingly clean and sober, we got married. this july it will be 4 yrs and up until last yr i have never suspected anything. i had found one weed seed and basicly asked him how long he had been hiding his weed smoking from me...he was honest. he had no choice, he didn't know what kind of evidendce i had found. i warned him, it's me or your drugs. i won't change you, that has to be your choice. anyway today like i said i found his dirty little secret. i have no idea if he has been drinking behind my back or not. at this point how can i trust or believe anything he says. as i just recently asked if he had and he said he didn't. anyway i askd him to leave. i can't stand the sight of him. i feel so hurt and betrayed. so he took our daughter and his stuff and left. my ex husband was a drug addict and it ruined our lives. i always let him come home and he just reverted to the same old lies and games. i have felt that in those yrs looking back that i never should of let him back in until he has proven himself to me. my second husband has to earn my trust. i'm sure others will ask how him living somewhere else helps. well one, i think it shows him that i'm serious about this. it will help me to decide from other issues if i even want to make my marriage work. he knows i have been feeling as if i made a mistake marrying him. he has pushed my kids, his step kids away from me. although i'm currently pregnant with our second child. he made a bad choice in quiting his job for another job where his new boss took advantage of him and he let him. we are close to loosing our house and all he has done was sit around over a month waiting for this job that had him go in 3 times to test his abilities and he didn't look for anything else. it's been 3 wks and they keep saying they'll let him know if he has the job by the end of the wk. well friday came and went again and no word. i'm finishing up getting my dog grooming certificate to help bring in some income and he never or rarely would help watch my 5 yr old and our 18 month old while i groomed dogs. he seemed to resent that it took me all day to get the dog or dogs done but when i have to stop and take my tools or take the girls back to him, what did he expect. has anyone been through this and what did you do that helped him get clean and stay clean? did you end up leaving? i recall feeling that i wish i had left sooner with my ex since he never changed and i know i can't change anyone. i'm not really in the position to live on my own with 4 kids and one on the way. although i've done it before. any advice...that might help me see something that i missed or should look out for?

what i expect is him to get counseling for his drug use, will attend couples therapy if they feel that will help. i expect that he tries harder at getting a job, staying clean for sometime (not sure how long i should have that be) that he takes some type of parenting class so that i can get my older children back. they really resent him and me for not taking sides. i need to really figure out if i even want to stay.

Answer Question
 
melody77

Asked by melody77 at 9:43 PM on Jun. 12, 2011 in Relationships

Level 18 (5,435 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • Decide if the drugs are a deal breaker and go from there. It may also help if you make list of what is important to you, and another list of what the consequences of dissolving your marriage would be. You may find your answer as you write things down in an organized form, in lists.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:13 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • I think your being a little harsh on him. He's not allowed to drink at all?? WOW! If you haven't noticed him smoking a little pot here and there it sounds like he is only a casual user. I can totally understand you not wanting any weed in the house, but he doesn't sound like an addict. Your making him go to drug therapy?? Really?? It all just sounds like the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Sorry

    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 10:17 PM on Jun. 12, 2011

  • crafty, were religious and it's not the use of the drugs mainly but his lying about it. i don't want any casual use cause i want to set the example for my kids and live by it. not just by me but who i married. i guess my standards are a bit high. i'm not going to lower them. how much of an addict he is is unknown since he has been hiding for who knows how long. he used to do meth, drank alot, commited crimes etc. so i know that he can become one. he has asked if he could do meth as well. for all i know he isprobably doing that but i can't or won't say until i have proof of it. yes, i want him to have therapy to learn to recognize triggers, how to prevent them and why he does it. to answer your question. he is allowed to do whatever he wants just not married to me so he has a choice. we don't believe in drinking and doing anything that is agaisn't the word of wisdom. it's hard for other religions to understand us mormons.
    melody77

    Comment by melody77 (original poster) at 1:43 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I am probably gonna get screamed at but iof your DH did all these things, ther meth, the crimes, why did u marry him? Once an addict, always an addict. It depends on whether or not he is in therapy or at least attempting to get help. No such thing as an ex-addict jsut like there are isn't any ex-alcoholic. But as the thought u being unsure whether or not he is using meth now, u will know simpily for the fact of the mood changes, being gone ALL the time, or being jittery orno money suddenly and wanting to borrow it. Meth is such a hard drug to stop. Its right up there with heroin. There are withdrawl symptoms and they are not pretty. If he is making the meth, which is VERY highly dangerous adn can be fatal for those around it, look for exessive packets of allergy/sinus packets, thats the biggest tip off. I do not understand hy u married him though knowing all this. Its pretty easy hiding the drinking and the weed>>>>>>>
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:44 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Buts its not easy to hide the meth use. U r saying u want to set an example for your kids, but i am afraid u didn't the bar very high is marrying someone with a past like his. If by some slim chance he is making the meth on your property u r not only breaking the law, but u r putting u and your kids lives in danger. Worst case, well besides potiental death, ius if a cop gets wind of this, u stand the chance of also going to jail. Its called 'guilty by association'. You also can't force someone into rehab to get help unless they choose too. Otherwise its a useless endeavor. I would leave him. Maybe it might make him wake up and take notice.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:54 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

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