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3 Bumps

I'm torn...I don't know what would be best for her anymore....

I gave birth to a beautiful and amazing little girl about 2 years ago...the problem is, I was not ready to be a mom, I was too young and in a very unstable relationship.

The guy I was with seemed great at first but became very controlling and eventually admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose (poked a hole in a condom) in order to keep me around...he thought my parent's would kick me out. When our daughter was only 6 weeks old I found out he'd been cheating the whole time and this is when he admitted to getting me pregnant on purpose and I found out he was using me for something and he admitted he never really cared about me...

All the drama with him made it very hard to bond with my daughter, and that is terrible and I felt no true connection with her for a LONG time. It was a horrible position to be in...I loved her but just didn't feel the way people told me I would feel and I was scared.

Now, 2 years later, I love her more than anything but I'm constantly depressed. Her father left the state and has no contact with us. I'm living with my parent's, struggling to make it through college, working at a job I can't stand and trying my best to take care of her but I'm severely depressed and it hurts to admit it but I'm often wondering if I can give her everything she deserves. I desperately crave a great mother-daughter bond but she's young and I'm messed up emotionally and I feel like she prefers my parent's over me almost all of the time and it gets me so down.

I'm having issues with myself on top of that. I don't like how I look, how I feel, how I act or where I'm at in life. I can't find anything other than her to be happy about and I know she can feel my tension and it hurts to know that my 2 year old knows I'm down.

Today my mom sat down and talked to me about it. She knows I'm depressed and that I'm scared. Sometimes it's so bad that it's a struggle to get up and dressed in the morning and just going through my normal steps for the day is exhausting and I'm torn because I also have some of those young feelings where I want to get out and do stuff and my mom offers to watch her but I rarely get out because I feel guilty when I'm out having a good time but at the same time I desperately crave some me time and some time to have fun. My mom asked me if I would want to let her raise my daughter and any other time I wouldn't even consider but I'm so down right now and so scared that I'm going to mess my daughter up that I'm starting to wonder if that's not the best thing for her.

I know I love her and that as far as finances go I could find a way to care for her. But I'm so scared that I'm just going to be a poor excuse for a mother because I'm 1. young 2. not ready 3. not quite mature enough 4. confused and 5. depressed and I don't want my little girl growing up seeing me down and thinking I'm weak. My mom is a strong woman, established and she struggled with me so she knows her stuff and she is married to my step father and while he is not blood related, he's the only father I've ever known and he's phenomenal and it hurts me so bad to say this but I can't help but wonder if they could do a better job than I could.

What should I do? this is so hard. I want what's best for her...but the thought of letting her go is so painful...but at the same time I know that sometimes to be a good mom you have to sacrifice. I just don't know what to do ladies. I know some of you will want to bash me but please don't, I'm trying to be mature, I'm trying to do what's best for my daughter and I am coming her to ask you ladies to help me figure out what is best for her because the last thing I want to do is hurt my little girl. I want her to have the best of everything.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:00 AM on Jun. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Hugs......

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 12:08 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Well if you are not in the position to take care of your daughter, maybe giving your parents temporary custody would be best until you can help yourself.. Maybe see if there is a way to get shared custody with them. But i would suggest going and getting yourself counceling to help with your problems and get yourself stable and happy. And also I think once you do this you should pay your parents some kind of child support to help the child financially, but I dont think you should abandon the child, still see her and be involved.

    Answer by angelrach86 at 12:09 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • See your doc, spill all this to him/her.... insist on a referral for counseling before you make any decisions!!! You may need medication or just to hash it all out with a professional. Get help first, for you and your daughter!!


    Answer by Crafty26 at 12:09 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Honey, first of all, you need to go get some meds, ASAP. I really think if you had someone to talk to, it would help. Message me anytime, no judging from me on depression.

    I will tell you this. My DD is 2 too. Sometimes, I think I'm too harsh or not good enough for her either. I was 23 when I had her, fresh out of college...dead end job. I MADE IT! I lived through it, it sucked every single, damn day, but it's paid off.

    No one is perfect. No one will ever be perfect. Get some medicine, think about your choice then. Don't make a decision because you're depressed. Make a decision when your head is on straight and YOU KNOW it's the best one.


    Answer by Chloesmom1126 at 12:11 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I've been there, I am 32 now and I felt at 24, I was to young. I don't think you mentioned your age and though it doesn't entirely play a factor but for me to give you my honest opinion, it would help to know. I do want to say, I totally experienced everything you described and had the same dilema as you are faced with now. Please share your age with me though, I will glladly post my thoughts once I know.

    Answer by Adjustingspace at 12:15 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Maybe just have your mom "help" you raise her. I'm not sure how old you are but running away from the situation won't make it go away. it will only make you wonder more. my advice would be make an appt with your doctor. talk to him/her about how your feeling. because this is obviously not just about your daughter, but about all the stresses in your life. it may come down to being put on a simple anti-depressant & having help (mom & step dad) getting your life back on track & moving in the right direction again.

    Answer by meesa0210 at 12:18 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I'm 20 years old - OP

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:19 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • i dont think you should give your daughter to your mom..... i think you should sit down and think everything over very carefully. think first before you take any actions...thats the mistake i made in the past with acting first without thinking.... i am 23 yrs old. and i had my son last year 22... and let me tell you it has been a challenge. its not hard and its surely not easy. its just a day bye day thing. think of your daughter she is innocent. i know due to circumstances she was not planned. but everything happens for a reason. i still managed to work and graduate from college a month shy of my son's 1st bday ;) you can do it. just calm down and relax. you can do this.... maybe go and talk to someone about your depression.... and just stay focused. but dont give up your daughter. you probably will regret in the long run.

    Answer by survivormama10 at 12:25 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Get therapy, it does help. If you let your parents have temporary custody why can't you continue to see your daughter and love her ad let her know you care. When you are stronger, maybe you will be ready to try again. It sounds tremendously mature of you to be thinking of what is best for your daughter. Your Mom sounds like a great person. But it doesn't have to be all or nothihng. Get treatment and keep letting your daughter know you care.

    Answer by GrammytoTrin at 5:35 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Admitting what you just did is the first step to making things better. It will not always be like this. You've made some choices in your life that have put you where you are right now, but it is not hopeless. You are blessed that you have parents that are willing to support you and your daughter while you complete college. I think you seriously could benefit from some counseling w/a therapist to help you talk through some feelings of inadequacy and possibly you could need some anti-depressants. Your Dr. could make that decision, but I do know that you have a whole lot going on right now & do seem overwhelmed, but the good thing is, you ARE concerned and you do have your daughter's best interest @ heart. That is of utmost importance! If you have that, then all the rest can be worked out w/a counselor and your parents. Best wishes, sweetie! I see a bright future for you and your daughter if you'll just seek some help.

    Answer by etexmom at 10:33 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

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