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My stepson is hitting my 3 and 4 year old. I don't know how to handle this situation.

My husband recieved sole custody of his two sons from his second marriage, three years ago. We have been married 5 years and have two little boys together. My stepsons were molested while with their mother and therefore, cannot have any physical contact with her or her older son until they are 17. Right now, they are 11 and 8. My husband is an over the road truck driver and can sometimes be away from home for a couple months, so raising the children is on my shoulders. I work very hard to make sure all four children feel as one family. They are all in sports, tae kwon do and attend all school functions. My stepsons call my mom and siblings grandma, aunt and uncles. I am called simply by my name. They want for nothing except their mothers attention. She contacted them twice last year to reming them of her birthday and Mothers day. She has only called once this year so they could wish her a happy birthday. They know she doesn't and hasn't called because the caller i.d. shows up on the television.

In te past 2 months, the older of my two stepsons has started bullying kids in school and his brothers at home. I have dealt with this by talking to him about these issues and the consequenes of his actions. I gave him an opportunity to redeem himself, warnig that if he does it again, he would face the consequences.

Last week, 3 parents came to me to discuss my stepsons bullying of their children and blatant disrespect towards them. I asked them to follow through with the principle on this matter. In turn, my stepson recieved in-school suspension. He no longer has a cell phone and no longer participates in team activitie. He was told, in advance, that these things would be taken from him if he continued with his actions.

Today, he asked if my 3 and 4 year old could play on the trampoline with him. Within 20 minutes, my neighbor knocked on my door and informed me that he was hitting my children and calling them names.

If I whip him, I risk the stability of my home. I cannot sacrifice for this child any longer. He has crossed the boundries. Yes he is in counceling. Has been for 3 years. He is an all A student and normally gets along with everyone. He told me when we last spoke about he much he hated his little brother(the 8 year old) because he was really good at sports. I pointed out that he (11 yr old) was wonderful academiclly That made him smile instead of cry but he went on to say how stupid his little brother was.

When he was with his mom, before we got custody, he did whatever he wanted. he was 50lbs overweight and failing in school. His teeth were rotting out of his head and he smelled horribly. I have devoted these three years to teaching them how take care of themselves and the importance of a good education.

I am at a loss on this. I need serious advice on how to deal with this.

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IrishTwins10307

Asked by IrishTwins10307 at 12:54 AM on Jun. 13, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (4)
  • hmmm...first i'll mention that of course i don't know all the facts but these are a few ideas that popped into my head.
    > the next time your husband is home, ask him to talk to his son about being the man of the house while he's away. give him a role that makes him feel important. give him one or two things he can keep track off daily or every other day. ie; making sure the doors are locked at night, yardwork, "manly stuff"
    > is he in sports? even if they aren't his strength he can still enjoy them. it sounds like you have all your kids active. sports teach team work and respect for our differences.
    > if your other son does struggle academically maybe he can help him with his homework or something. give them something to do together.
    * that's all i can think of for now. I hope something helps. No matter what, don't loose faith. I know you have other children to take care of, but your love and care will pay off.
    mellynoma

    Answer by mellynoma at 2:14 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Did this behavior start out of the blue?? Are u sure he isn't having any contact with his mother? As for spanking him, that will be the worst thing u can do to him. It could also be possible he is feeling anxious, stressed out, ect. Does he make friends easy? Or does the younger one have and make friends pretty easy? Since the younger one is in good in sports, he may feel a little threatened that his baby bro is better then he is at something. And being looked at cause he is good with school he may be thinking he is the nerd. I mean all thisa stuff may have just been building up for the past 3 yrs. He might hate his mom for doing what she did and then feel guilty about thinking such thoughts. His mom just calling them when she has something to celebrate. He also may be thinking if he gets bad enough u will send hinm away. The molesting thing probably has him feeling dirty and ashamed.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 3:34 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • In any case, this should be brought up with his therapist if u haven't already done so.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 3:35 AM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • @ Mellynoma- I have given him "manly" things to do. I thougt that his chnge in attitude was just a puberty thing. I know nothing about boys and often ask my husband, brothers and male cousins about this stage in a boys life. I talk to him often about how he is feeling and he has never had a problem opening up to me.

    @Michigan-Mom74- I'm positive that he has not spoken to his mother. They don't even hear from her on their birthdays or holidays. He has tons of resentmen towards his little brothers and their physical abilities. He told me that he hates them because of what they can do.
    IrishTwins10307

    Comment by IrishTwins10307 (original poster) at 1:03 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

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