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3 Bumps

My inlaws hate me, and i hate my inlaws.. And my husband cant take it and its ruining my marriage

I just cant stand them at all. They dont care abt me all. My husband just seems think its my issue and i need to suck it up and not hate them.. Which im trying to do.. Am I not allowed to say how i feel . My mil has shut down and now just gives me one word answers. yet my husband thinks holidays should be spent with them.. I never thought that my marriage might end bc we cant get along.. I EVEN asked mil if she would go to counseling but she said Hell. no.. Its so complicated.. my husband is not emotinoal his feeling dont hurt easily . my husband told me if i say one more bad thing abt his parents he is going to ask for a separtion and pack his bags and move out:( this sounds horrible but i wish they would just drop dead or something.. My family is great to my husband so he just doesnt get it.. my own mom gets mad at they way they treat me// IS THIS A REASON TO END A 7 YEAR MARRIAGE?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:35 PM on Jun. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Has he seen your mother being mean to you? My MIL started spewing forth crap to my husband while he was deployed, and he put his foot down and told her she better not say one more bad thing about ME or she'd never get to see the grandkids again.

    He might be one of those "I need to see it to believe it" kind of people, so if he's not seeing (or hearing) what his mother is saying/doing to you, then it isn't happening (in his eyes).
    hopeandglory53

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 4:39 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I think it's a no brainer to not insult his parents. Regardless how much my MIL pissed me off, i would never insult her with DH around listening. That is asking for trouble. Yes, you can say what you feel as long as you're not insulting his mother while doing it. You can tell him why she upset you without being insulting towards her.

    Anger cannot be overcome by anger. If someone is angry with you, and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster. On the other hand, if you control your anger and show its opposite – love, compassion, tolerance and patience – not only will you remain peaceful, but the other person's anger will also diminish. - Dalai Lama

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 4:39 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • That is a very hard question to answer considering I'm not in that possition. My mil and I get along and if I have a problem with something she said or did I can tell my husband and he doesn't judge. I couldn't live like that and it's sad to hear that's how things are. I think that if I were you I would push for the counseling with mil and husband. If he and/or she say no then get out. You don't need to be married and miserable because of in-laws. Or maybe try to talk to mil. get everything out there. Atleast if it ends then you'll know you said all you had too. Just my thought. Hope it helps and good luck to you.
    dsadang

    Answer by dsadang at 4:41 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I feel like I married his family sometimes! His inlaws are up in our business, judgmental,rude,drunk,assumptive...well you get my drift. It was affecting our marriage and I had to tell my husband that they are disrespecting us as a family unit, and him because I am his wife and these are MY kids. They don't have rights to them just because they are related. If he didn't step up to the plate and speak up, I told him our marriage would fail. I gave him the choice. Well, we don't speak to them so much anymore and if we do it's short and sweet. If he's not willing to step up let him know you won't be hanging around and why.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:42 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I am so sorry. .. family issues are so hard on a marriage.

    You don't have any control over how his mom or family act, but you DO have control over your marriage. Maybe you and your husband should go to counseling to figure out how to deal with the strife. You don't want to let his family tear you apart, so you guys need to learn how to stay strong DESPITE the bad behavior of his family.

    That may mean a little bit of stuffing it on your part and a little bit of protecting you on his. It is possible, though.

    Good luck mama.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 4:46 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • Its not just saying mean things.. its just not agreeing with everything they do..ANd When i say that i guess it comes out in a intesne attacking way Plus when someone says such mean and hateful things its not fair.. and its like they are hurting me just get away with it.. Sounds immature RIGHT? but my heart is hurting and it makes me want to lash out. I wish my husband didnt see as it all being my fault. He can bring them up and what am i suppose to do just lied and says i dont mean.. I guess i have to if i want to save my marriage. it might be impossible bc im bioplar and its hard to keep my feelings to myself
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:46 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him. Let him know that you understand that he doesn't want you to speak badly about his parents but it's not right for you to be mistreated by them either. Let him know that you love him and don't want to loose your marriage, but you can not be expected to put yourself through that. From now on, he is welcome to go visit them, but you will not be going with him and in return you won't talk about his family. If he is not willing to work with you on this, then yes, it might be a reason to end your marriage. Marriage is about give and take and you have taken all you can from his family. Good luck (c:
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 4:50 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • No. Having been in somewhat the same position you are now in, my advice to you is to stop pointing out all the ways your mother-in-law mistreats you. Love your husband. Go with him to see them. Speak only when spoken to, and stay close to your husband the whole time you are there. Hold his hand so that he and everyone else sees that you are devoted to him. Once you stop talking to him about them, he is much more apt to see for himself what they are really like. When he sees it for himself, that is when he will do something about the situation. The more time you all spend together, the more quickly he will see them for the way they are. You can have a wonderful marriage without your in-laws telling you how much they love you. And the truth is that no matter how hard you try, you may never be able to make them like you. So stop trying. It doesn't matter whether they do or don't. What matters is they gave you a husband!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:51 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I was the first anon. I know how you are feeling! You will never gAin their approval. I know, it's hell! The only thing that made it stop was cutting them off.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:52 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I understand where you would def be hurt. I don't blame you for standing up for yourself and you SHOULD stand up for yourself. Your husband should stand up for you as well. I am not married but it took me 5 years with a man who treated me terrible to realize that if im not happy its not worth it. really its up to you on if its worth your marriage...ask yourself that. i would explain to him that you are partners and he needs to be behind you and your feelings. Im not saying he should be behind you if ur being disrespectful but he needs to consider your feelings as well as his parents. and if he thinks this is enough to pack and leave then thats on him honey. thats not unconditional love at all. if he really cares he will stay and work through it. my mom and dad have been married 25 years and my grandparents were at 50 years so i dnt much believe in divorce but if your not happy then you and him dont need to be miserable.
    Aleighasmom09

    Answer by Aleighasmom09 at 4:54 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

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