Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

He doesn't really enjoy making me feel good

Mostly, I'm talking about sex... but it's kind of everything.

I get a lot of pleasure out of making him feel good, sexually and otherwise. Back rubs, making dinner, showing affection, writing notes, pleasing him sexually, all these things make ME feel good too. He has said that he doesn't need me to do these things in order to feel loved, but I do them anyway, because they matter to me.

But when it comes to doing these same things for me he doesn't place a whole lot of importance on it, or understand why I want it. We've talked a lot about it, and he just feels like he could take it or leave it. He likes seeing me happy, but really he would prefer if I just made MYSELF happy and didn't rely on him for any of it. He knows how important it is to me, he knows that I need that, he just can't give it because he genuinely doesn't understand why I need those things.

He *doesn't mind* giving oral sex. He *doesn't mind* giving back rubs. He *doesn't mind* writing little notes, etc. But he doesn't enjoy it. And i have tried, but I just can't feel the same way about it if I have to ask him to do it. Saying "can you please write me a love note?" doesn't feel anywhere near the same as just getting one.

I don't know what to do. He's a great guy, and even with this we are relatively happy. But I don't really want to stay forever in "relatively happy"... I want marital bliss.

What can I do to inspire him to take initiative to make me happy?

Also... I wonder if maybe I have unrealistic expectations? I'm willing to work on this and change myself too, and I realize that it takes two to tango. I do find myself a lot of the time blaming him and not giving him credit when he does something well. For example, just yesterday I was angry with him and told him he wasn't spending enough time with me, but he pointed out how much time he really had been spending with me and I had to admit I was wrong. In that instance, I FELT like he was doing something wrong, even though he wasn't.

Anyway, being totally honest with myself right now, I really don't feel like it makes him happy to make me happy. And that just feels like he doesn't need me and he doesn't want me to need him. I don't feel like a WOMAN around him, I just feel like a partner most of the time.

Advice here?


Asked by Anonymous at 5:18 PM on Jun. 13, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • I feel bad for responding b/c my DH is not like this. I can imagine how I would feel if he was like your DH and I know that's not a good place to be. Having your emotional needs met in a marriage is really important. Was he like this before you married or has he slacked up? If not, telling him these things matter was the first step. You may want to talk to a counselor so he knows you are definitely serious. Don't stop doing things for him because that's healthy for you because you enjoy it. But he has to meet you half way and give a little if he wants you.

    Answer by Ttcbabyclegg at 6:13 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I'm sorry you are going through it too....

    Answer by cmgIII at 5:24 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I go through the same thing. My husband hurt my feelings this evening pretty bad. It seems like when i go out of my way to do the nicest things, it's never good enough. i bought him a beautiful cross necklace for Father's Day and his response was "is that all they had?" I ordered him a pair of Oakley Sunglasses and his response was something to the fact that it didn't have something my son's had. It's sad but I don't think men will ever know what women want. All I would have liked to have was a thank you or a hug. But that is what I got. I just have to stop expecting more than what I KNOW I will get.

    Answer by cmgIII at 5:23 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I don't think you understood me, cm. it's not that what I do isn't good enough, it's that he doesn't care whether I do anything at all. He's grateful for what I do, he thanks me, he appreciates it when I go out of my way for him, but he doesn't return the favor without being asked. Specifically. More than once.

    Example: I'm more than happy to give him oral sex. And I do so frequently, because I know he likes it and I like making him happy, even though in doing so I get turned on and then have to go without sex for a few days while he reboots (he only wants sex once a week or less). But I have to flat out tell him "It's been way too long since you went down on me" for him to reciprocate. Making sure I'm satisfied is a distant second to making sure HE'S satisfied in his life. And he expects me to take the same attitude. He wants me to be totally self-reliant... and I'm not.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:29 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I know exactly what you mean. I complain about the oral all the time. He'll ask for it all the time but never wants to give back. I don't know what it is with men. My husband is a great man but not the most affectionate or thoughtful. He just doesn't understand that the little things he could do would mean the world to me. Little notes, or flowers....anything. I know exactly what you're going through and I'm not sure what advice to give....considering that I still have no clue what to do about it.

    Answer by cmgIII at 5:36 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

  • I will never stop loving on him. It comes naturally to me, I can't see myself ever not trying to meet his emotional needs, even if he swears up and down that they don't exist.

    Maybe I will talk to a counselor. I'm already seeing one for other reasons... I might bring this up.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 6:22 PM on Jun. 13, 2011

Next question in Relationships
What would you do?

Next question overall (General Parenting)
Baby shower games