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How do I deal with my 29 year old son who has moved back home?

My son recently moved back home. In general he's a good kid. My dilema is that he has a suspended driver's license and if caught driving again will go to jail for 60 days, no questions asked. If it was just him, I'd say deal with the consequences, but he has a 1 year old daughter that he shares joint custody with - we have her 3 to 4 days a week. I realizing I am rationalizing as a mature adult (yes, he aught to by now), but if he goes to jail - no bail option - he loses his job, his car is impounded and even if I wanted to I can't get it out, car payment won't be made and insurance won't be paid and then the state will be all over for him again.
I've tried talking with him about him; asking what his rationalization and/or reasoning is for continuing to "go out" knowing the risks and the consequences. I get "this isn't my home", I'm not comfortable asking anyone over", "I need to socialize", and so on. To me these aren't answers.
I was a single mom and fortunately went thru the majority of my rough times before he was old enough to realize. That doesn't mean he hasn't seen me struggle.
I want to throw my hands up and say I quit but I can't do that. I keep telling myself that I'm not going to say anything more about the subject and let the chips fall where they may, but as a mom, I want to protect him from the unnecessary nastiness of life.
I really need help, for my own sanity and to preserve our relationship. At the rate we are going, we may not have too much left to say to one another. Do I need to mind my own business and let the consequences, if they materialize, fall where they may?

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Asked by MyasNanNa at 2:27 AM on Jun. 14, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 4 (51 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • Does he drive even though he is suspended? Just making sure I got that right. Does he know that if his ex can use it against him, (if it was a bad split) and have his custody cut off so he will have nothing but visits? But it seems he will need a slap in the face with reality. If going to jail, racking upo $1000's of dollars of debt then let him.

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:36 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Yes, he drives even though he knows his license is suspended and knows that if he is stopped again he goes straight to jail - do not pass go, do not collect $200. We are working on getting him an occupation license which would allow him to drive to and from work and basic living needs. My issue is that he feels compelled to go to the bar so he can sociaize. According to him "it's boring staying at home".
    Frankly, I'm tired of the battle. He does know that he is jeopardizing his custody of his daughter and he knows the costs if he goes to jail, but it doesn't stop him. I've expressed my veiw point in several fashions, tonight by having a meltdown - crying and leaving my own house because I just can't understand.
    i'm at wits end and making myself physically ill over this.
    Do I just let the chips fall where they may?

    Comment by MyasNanNa (original poster) at 2:53 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Does he have a drug or alcohol problem?

    Answer by tootoobusy at 6:43 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Sounds like you've done all you can!!
    You've tried to make good common sense to him and if he doesn't CARE enough to obey the law and going straight to jail if caught driving then.....I would let the chips fall where they may.
    He's not a child, he's a grown man WITH a child so....I would say, you've done all you can at this point.
    Some people think they won't get caught but....the more he drives, he's increasing his chances. Some people have to hit a hard rock bottom before they learn lessons in life.

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 8:23 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Sounds as if he has made a few bad choices already and intends to make even more with his behaviors. Sounds too like you Mom have done far more than most for a 29 year old son. Give him some condoms and let the chips fall. The last thing you both need is another child to raise. Just do your best for your grandchild as she is the innocent one. We cannot be enablers forever. Best of luck to you both. We love our children and only want them to be responsible, it can be a battle.

    Answer by FlMomXs3 at 8:43 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. He is continuing the same behaviors KNOWING that he is risking his job/car/child etc, and that(to me) shows he is not ready to have that type of responsibility. That's definitely no excuse. You should lay down some rules and tell him that if he wants to stay with you, he will be walking anywhere he wants to go unless he gets a ride from you until he gets his license back. Period. Good luck, Momma!

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 9:26 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Let the chips fall where they may. He is and adult and has made unwise choices. He continues to make unwise choices.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 4:20 PM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • you need to let him take the fall for his actions,you cant save him forever.

    Answer by RobinChristine at 1:29 AM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • I would tell him exactly why you are scared, without letting him feel like you are accusing him of doing wrong..... Tell him that you know that he is a good dad and that you know that he wants to do right by his daughter, hug him.... and then let the chips fall where they may. He is an adult now, and yes... he knows the consequences, so your hands are tied. As long as he knows that you are scared for him, and that you believe in him that he can do the right thing, and then leave him to be the adult, you've done all you can... GL... I know that you are in a tough spot.....

    Answer by momof2redhedz at 12:21 AM on Jul. 3, 2011

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