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Threatens to leave.

If you daughter threatened to leave what would you do?

So here's the backgroung....My daughter is 17 she is grounded for 2 weeks (she has been very rude, disrespectful and even yelling at me - reason for punishment...she hasn't been grounded in over a year). Last night at 8ish she comes in the kitchen and says her BF (she lives around the corner & I specifically said no getting together while being grounded because they always are together) wants her to come over and study for exams. I say no you are grounded. DD pulls the "you don't care about my grades" & "we will be studying, not messing around" routine. I ask her if she would have studied if the BF had not call...she said no. So again I say no and that I am no longer going to discuss it the answer is no.

She then says... Well, I'm leaving and you can't stop me.

She would have left but she texted her BF and she said she wasn't home so my DD had no where to go.

I told her if she made the decision to leave she would regret it. That it was a decision not to live by my rules and that she was old enough to understand what that means. I was not longer going to be held hostage by her temper tantrums and threats of leaving. She is welcome to pick-up the phone call who ever she needed to (she thinks she will go and live with my mom...that is a whole different story). But, if she stays, she will be getting a job and she will be paying for her cell phone and car insurance and if she doesn't then she will have neither.

How would you handle this? What would you have said last night? And how would you handle this going forward? I have a 14 yr old son and an 8 yr old son at home too. It looks like she will be going to Community College and staying at home....

 
sipn_mom

Asked by sipn_mom at 8:50 AM on Jun. 14, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 18 (5,555 Credits)
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Answers (8)
  • I would and have said there's the door but remember you can only take with you what is yours. Anything that was a gift or you bought. Everything else stays. Usually when you call their bluff they won't go. Then after you both have calmed down let them know what you expect and that soon they will be 18 and if they don't straighten up they will be leaving. You and I both have younger kids to think about. At this stage of the game they are becoming adults and need to step up and act like it or leave. It's sink or swim time. BTW you're a not bad Mom you just have a kid who thinks they're an adult and can do whatever without consequences. We all go through this to one degree or another. Good luck momma
    daps

    Answer by daps at 8:58 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • I would have told her that if she was determined to leave when I specifally told her not to, not to be surprised her key doesn't work when she comes back.
    Candi1024

    Answer by Candi1024 at 9:01 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • My DD actually pulled a stunt once where she DID leave. She was locked out when she came home. I told her she would be locked out if she CHOSE to disobey my rules too but, she didn't take me seriously no matter how serious I said it.
    She was locked out and had to ask the "friend" if she could stay there or sleep on the porch (warm weather).
    Nothing like a little tough love to get a point across to a hard headed know-it-all teenager. She NEVER did this or even mentioned it again. Probably not everyone's choice but it worked for my dd. End of more problems than just threatening to leave too! Just fyi.
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 9:03 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • What do you provide for her a car? allowance? are you paying for college? I think she could use some counseling to make her understand better what she has in her home,,I think you need to start some tough love and quick, you don't want this to be the example for your other kids,, I might start with taking away that phone, and finding her a job!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 8:53 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Cut those things off, if she wants them she'll get them when she turns 18. Your house, your rules period. And honestly I was the same way with my mom, 17 was the worst, well most difficult year of my 28 years so far. I think you've done the right thing, consistency is important here, when you say no you have to mean it and follow through. My mom always threated and gave ultimatums, but we knew she couldn't and wouldn't follow through. As for the cell phone, can she can one on her own before 18? I'm not sure, b/c I think its a credit related thing. If she wants to go, let her try it out, maybe she'll do well, maybe she won't.
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 9:02 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Thanks daps.  That's what I am hoping...I did tell her that last night.  She has 6 months till she is 18 and a grandmother that she thinks will let her do "anything".  So, I have called her bluff once before and offered to let her live there.  This was the beginning of this school year.  Told her I would sign over custody and everything because we would not do the back and forth stuff.  She snapped out of it then.  Keeping my fingers crossed.


    Kimigogo.  No allowance.  Yes we are paying for all of our kids to go to college, not quite sure how yet.  The car is my car, she uses it every once in a while.  She has been in counseling before.

    sipn_mom

    Comment by sipn_mom (original poster) at 9:11 AM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • My mom never had this problem with me just because I was always very mature, however, my older sister used to pull these stunts and my mom had none of it. She locked her bedroom door, my mom kicked it down/took it off. She left when she was told not to, she was picked up by my uncle the constable. We had to go that far with her because she was hanging around with gang members who had stabbed and mugged a guy. She was beyond talking and reasoning. The way she is behaving, if she leaves, I would check her room for drugs or something else that could be causing this level of anger.
    MamaStuart

    Answer by MamaStuart at 8:13 PM on Jun. 14, 2011

  • Use tough love stick to your guns if she wants to test your boundaries
    RobinChristine

    Answer by RobinChristine at 3:17 AM on Jun. 16, 2011

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