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How do you explain?

I'm taking something out of the previous question about the child being confused as to why they can see there Bmom but can't go home with her. When my daughter was still just our foster daughter, she would see her Bmom once a week for an hour. She was still a baby at that time, but I could tell a difference in her mood after just that one visit. She wouldn't let me put her down, she cried unless she could see me, she wouldn't sleep well that night, etc. How do your children react when they see there Bmoms for a visit or talk to them on the phone? I'm not against open adoptions, I'm just curious how they behave afterwards and how you explained to them about the situation. We don't have any open adoptions at the moment, but that doesn't mean we won't ever have one, and I'm just wondering how you explain to them about just being able to visit Bmom but not live with her.

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Asked by LizClara at 12:12 AM on Dec. 12, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (6)
  • hi my aunt is a foster mom and she says its hard on the kids after they have a visit with the bmom and other ppl of the family just try to make it how u would want someone to tell u dnt lie and dnt say nothing that shouldn t be said i would just say : ur mommy was haveing a hard time takeing care of u so i told her i would help out and she wants u to live here now cuz ur so happy good luck and u should tell the kids at a young age my lil bro is adoted and we told him when he was like 3 yrs old if they grow up noing whats going on its not that hard for them to understand

    Answer by fancylady22 at 12:36 AM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • My DS did the same thing when we did visits with his BM. He would cry and be fussy for hours afterward, completely unlike him. His BM was the only one that he was like that with. We also have talked about adoption since he was little, it's a term that is used around our house. We do pics and letters, no other contact. Visits ended when he was 9 mo old, so we never really had to explain that part.

    Answer by jothra at 6:35 PM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • ""Visits ended when he was 9 mo old, so we never really had to explain that part. ""


    Answer by LilLizaJane at 12:16 AM on Dec. 13, 2008

  • frogdawg, I think your story is great. I also believe if it's presented to the child as a normal thing they will perceive it as such. Afterall, it is normal!

    Answer by Jill42721 at 5:52 AM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • My children's visits with their birthmom ended when they were 1 month old and now they're only 3 so we haven't yet gone too far into the details of adoption. They have an older sister adopted by another family, though and we keep the girls in contact. That family has an older brother (also adopted) who doesn't understand why his sister can see her sisters, but he can't see his brothers and sisters. I feel so bad for him, he gets really angry when we have visits.

    Also, there is a little boy 2 1/2 years old who is about to become my nephew through adoption. He still has visits with his mother and he fights the visitation worker and cries and screams when he has to go. To him, it's more of telling him why he has to go rather than why he can't stay with his birthmom. Visits can be a really complicated aspect of adoption and foster care.

    Answer by MommyAddie at 12:25 PM on Dec. 17, 2008

  • My kids were adopted from foster care. I have always een open to birth parents keeping in contact. we were in an accident and both birth parents contacted me after to check on the kids. Now bio father who hasn't seen then in 5 years is wanting contact. fine all for it but he is trying to insinuate himself to much into their lives. he wasn't to take them every other weekend. not gonna happen I don't mind a visit once a month but I am not comfortable with him taking them. It is confusing my 10 year old he wonders now if he will be going with "dad" he dosen't understand that the adoption was final. I am not sure how it will all work out.

    Answer by Lyndall at 12:18 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

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