Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Should I tell my x-husband what my daughter did?

My x and I are on bad terms. After the divorce I tried to reconcile with him for the sake of our daughter but he said in short "no way, we are done, and don't care how it effects our daughter." Thats the back ground, here is the issue. I found on my daughter's computer inappropriate pictures of herself. I asked her if she sent them to anyone and she said no, and when I confronted her and she felt very bad about it and felt she let me down. I grounded her for a month, took away computer, and cell phone for a month. I then told her I had to tell her dad and she broke down and cried and begged me not to because he would ground her for a year+, take away her allowance for a year+, and would never let this down, in short she felt her dad would overreact. My daughter is a straight A student, and has been a role model up to this point. I decided to not tell my x-husband based on our poor realtionship and my concern he could overreact and make more issue of this which could potentially push my daughter away. Here's the question My current husband strongly feels that I should tell my x-husband regardless of the potential concequences to my daughter? What do you think?

He is concerned that she may be playing both households and that this sets a bad example. He brings up that there may be more going on that this may be the tip of the iceberg.

Answer Question
 
BigSmiles123

Asked by BigSmiles123 at 4:31 PM on Jun. 15, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I agree with your current husband. Its about being a good role model and setting examples. By keeping it secret, you are teaching her its ok to hide things when you think people wont react well. I suggest you find a way to talk to him alone or with your husband present, but without her. Try to come up with a mutual punishment and then bring her in to go over it. That way he has less of chance to overreact in front of her.
    CJM_SHM

    Answer by CJM_SHM at 4:34 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • i agree with you dh you have now..teens play both households and they sometimes play parents against parents..my sd is 14 and she does her best to manipulate me and her father...i would probably not tell him this time since you handled the situation but i would monitor her more closely and see how things are going..
    jorjiegirl

    Answer by jorjiegirl at 4:35 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • Just like you would have the right and want to know what your DD has done while with you ex he also has the right and would want to know too. You should tell him, you need to tell him
    styhmMommy

    Answer by styhmMommy at 4:36 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I believe you have an obligation to your ex to tell him- he is her father and this is pretty serious and he deserves to know about it. If she sees she can get you to keep this secret what other secret might she ask you to keep? Just because your relationship with your ex is poor, that's not an excuse not to tell him. Unless he will physically abuse her or something like that upon hearing of this then I don't think you are off the hook for needing to tell him. Also, if he found the pictures instead of you, do you think he should tell you? I do, so that road goes both ways. I do think you need to give her a warning, but I would tell him about it first, and after you and he speak about it (and maybe you calm him down somewhat or talk with him about what punishment he finds appropriate) then you need to tell her right away. Don't tell her before you tell him and then she can't carry on and try to talk you out of it.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:38 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I think that the Mom's above have great points not to mention that maybe he needs to keep a better eye on here in regards to the computer. If he doesn't know any better than she could get herself in big trouble without him even knowing about it.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 4:41 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • In this case...it's kind of like this: You do the crime..you do the time.
    Your daughter is old enough to be on a computer, on the internet etc etc....she is old enough to know that it is "inappropriate to say the least" to be sending pictures of yourself to whoever. She knew this. There are consequences, she took a chance and did it anyway. How would you feel if she did this at her dads ( and maybe she has done that too) and he didn't ever tell you. It just wouldn't be right. I know you feel bad because she feels bad but...her father deserves to know what kinds of things are going on so he can help guide her too. Kids think they know what they're doing but....they don't and that's why they need PARENTS to parent. Maybe break it gently to her father by yourself first?? IDK...it's got to be done IMO. I wouldn't want to be left in the dark on this with my daughter. No way. :( That's the best I can do. GL!!
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 7:44 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I'd go with your gut.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 8:24 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I think you should tell him. This brings me to a woman here in Florida a couple of years ago that had a daughter, same as yours, into sports, straight As etc who took a pic of herself and texted it to her bf, who then spread it around. Things got so bad for this girl that she committed suicide. I can tell you from experience, I had a girl that hated me in school, she spread a rumor, which turned into other rumors, which made it unbearable. Had suicide been popular back then, I might have done it. I have been out of school for 27 years and those rumors still float around about me. This is a VERY serious issue. She needs to learn to respect herself and not take pics of herself at all like that. Maybe if he overreacts, she won't do it again.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 9:59 AM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • I agree that her father needs to know.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 11:21 AM on Jun. 16, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN