Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

They lied to me about how my friend died? Now what do I do? I am kind of freaking out here! adult content

I usually don't come on at night, but I really need some advice,,I have been off for a few days, and shut my phone off, just wanted to be with my family,, anyway, today I had 13 messages from my friend's sister,, he died,,,We were roomates in college and really close, although we lived far apart, I knew he had been struggling with alcohol, but had been sober for almost 15 years,, anyway I missed the funeral and everything, she told me he was hit head on by a drunk driver,, I bawled for 2 hours.
HERE is the kicker,, I thought it might be nice to send his wife flowers or something, so I googled his name and Tampa FL. I didn't want to bother them with getting the address, holy mother of god, he killed himself, right after he got out of jail for setting a camera up in a Starbucks bathroom! I am sick,, the person I knew would not do anything like this,, my husband is no longer sympathetic,, and I just feel ill, should I write the wife and the sister? It WAS ALL over the news with his picture and everything,, IDK what to do or what to feel.

 
kimigogo

Asked by kimigogo at 9:27 PM on Jun. 15, 2011 in Relationships

Level 37 (91,454 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Whew, this is a hard one to get your mind around. I would send a sympathy card to the family , regardless of how, it is a loss. Families dealing with death of a loved one due to suicide are often embarrassed and ashamed. I would not speak directly to them about what you found out. I didn't tell people I knew for many years that my brother hung himself. Mental illness can be hidden for many years, and then rear it's head beyond control later. He was your friend. At the time you knew him he was a stand up guy. Alcohol abuse probably plays a big part here. The other thing I wanted to mention..there is a very distinct possibility he was sexually abuse when younger. The stats show that most abusers, were abused themselves. That isn't an excuse, just an observation. Mostly you just have to figure out how to forgive him to gain closure. You don't forgive him for him, You do it for you. HUGS<3

    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 10:33 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I would still send the flowers and a sympathy card to his wife, mom & family out of respect and just for being his friend at one time. The guy is dead...there is no need to judge. He seems like he was suffering from some type of addiction like alcohol as you mentioned or mental illness to have done what he did. It's the right thing to do.
    Angeleyez08

    Answer by Angeleyez08 at 9:36 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I am so sorry I think that you know what really feels best for you. Sending flowers or a note might be a way of healing for you andthey might not be getting much sympathy at this point. He might have messed up but he still was a part of their lives.
    sweetpea_mama

    Answer by sweetpea_mama at 9:31 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I had a very close friend, who in 2007 killed herself and left 2 small kids behind. The person I knew would never do that, but she did. She left a note and everything. People with depression can hide it good. I am very sorry for your loss, please if you need to chat let me know
    RedDahlia82

    Answer by RedDahlia82 at 9:34 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • It does seem like a strange and unlikely story..While it may be hard to wrap your mind around at the moment. He was still someones son, husband and father. I think a card and flowers would show the family respect for their loss..Sorry you are dealing with this..*hugs*
    Heather021287

    Answer by Heather021287 at 9:42 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I would send something,maybe the mom referring to " he didn't deserve this" is in reference to what overcame him and turned him inot the person you didn't know. hugs)
    RobinChristine

    Answer by RobinChristine at 9:54 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I just don't want to call them out, I am sure they are embarrassed, but I was stunned, and don't really know what to say,, his mom was on the phone with me saying oh kimi,, he didn't deserve it he didn't deserve it,, I don't know if they have even told her, but I have no idea how they think people are not going to find out, it was even on CNN,,, I lived with him for 5 years and he was NEVER inappropriate.
    kimigogo

    Comment by kimigogo (original poster) at 9:35 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • I just keep thinking that if someone taped my son using the bathroom I would kill them, he has 3 kids,,,idk I can' t wrap my head around this at all.
    kimigogo

    Comment by kimigogo (original poster) at 9:38 PM on Jun. 15, 2011

  • What he did doesn't change that he was a human being with people who loved him. The family is hurting, as are you. Reaching out to give them your sympathy and strength is entirely a good thing.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 7:53 AM on Jun. 16, 2011