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Did you and DH agree on how many children you wanted or how you wanted to have children?

Right now, it seems that DH and I have hit a mahor brick wall on this topic and it bothers me because we hardly ever disagree on things like this. He wants 3 more children/ naturally. I want one natural and 2 more adopted. So we want the same amount, it is just the method. I just feel like there are way too many children out there that need the chance at a happy life and you would deny them that just what to satisfy a male ego???

What do you guys think? Don't tell me what you think I wanna hear please. I need to see the other side of this because right now, I feel like he is being totally selfish and ridiculous and that is just not a personality trait of my "hunk of burning love"

 
BriHan06

Asked by BriHan06 at 2:10 PM on Jun. 16, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 19 (7,166 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • I think it doesn't matter who is right or wrong but simply that you all don't agree. Adoption is a big deal and he needs to be on board. I think you both need to shelf the issue and deal with extra children as the situations arise.
    Dabberdoo

    Answer by Dabberdoo at 6:14 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • first of all, you are very loving to want to adopt. i totally agree with what your saying, i want to adopt someday too, i already have 3 of my own, but have always had the urge to adopt. i think adoption is such a loving thing to do. why don't you ask him why he feels this way, mybe it is a male ego thing. just be open on discussing this with hime.
    God BLess you
    fun3oo

    Answer by fun3oo at 2:21 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • Hmm, maybe he thinks he won't love a child the same if it is not his biologically child? My dh has told me if we ever adopt he feels it would have to be a child that looks like us, fits in, cause he is scared it would be hard for him. I think some guys just think differently and can't imagine loving a child that is not theirs naturally. It is much easier for us w/our mothering instincts I think to love any child.
    But yes, dh and I have always agreed that we want 5 or 6 of our own, naturally. We have talked of adopting/foster care when those children are older but are not totally set on doing it. We will just see where life takes us in that area.
    JamieLK

    Answer by JamieLK at 2:16 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • My husband & I have always said that we want a big family - we currently have 2 children (naturally) We both want more children naturally but how ever many children God blesses us with, we both would like to foster/ adopt when our children are older so that if the fostered/ adopted children have any special needs then we can cater to them better - I worked with special needs children, teaching them in school & LOVED it so if/ when we foster/ adopt I would like to help a special needs child(ren) Good Luck in deciding:)
    Ellie15

    Answer by Ellie15 at 2:56 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • Before we got married hubs and I talked about kids, and I told him I wanted between 2-4 kids, he said ummm maybe 2. Well over the past 20 years we had our 2 boys, then had an oops, (which was a loss) and then agreed to have a #3. We decided that #3 would be our last and we are done having kids.
    I do think that you 2 should talk about this, find out why he is so against adopting. I don't know if this is an option, but would you both be willing to be foster parents? Then maybe he would see that you can bond and attach to children that are not biologically yours, and maybe he would be more willing to adopt in the future. Besides, fostering gives you a chance to help kids in need as well. I hope that the 2 of you can come up with some type of compromise or agreement on how you want to add to your family.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 4:39 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • DH & I always agreed we wanted at least two and then we'd see if we wanted more. However, we have only one because I could never get pregnant again. I tried to talk to my DH about fostering or adopting, but he doesn't want any part of it. Unfortunately, when we were younger, there were a number of high profile cases on the news about adopted children being returned to their bio fathers years after the adoption had taken place. DH said he could never handle that, so adoption was out. As for fostering, same deal, he just can't deal with the possibility of becoming attached to a child only to have to return it to its bio family, especially if we knew the child wasn't going to be going back to a good situation, kwim? So, I'm stuck longing for more children that I know I'm never going to have :(
    mom2aspclboy

    Answer by mom2aspclboy at 2:18 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • i think it's your right to decide whether you want to be pregnant and give birth in general! :) and i also agree that there are so many children that don't have the love of parents and for you to give that to them would be a wonderful gift. it's natural to want your own children but it takes a truly unselfish person to step up and help someone who needs it! and hey half the battle is the amount of children! mine wants no more period and i could definitely do more, natural or adopted.
    juliness

    Answer by juliness at 2:20 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • Is it in the cards financially to adopt? Guys have a harder time wrapping their minds around adoption and loving a child other than their own. I would ask him what his concerns were. We have always wanted quite a few kids and knew that we hoped to adopt later on after we had our biological, and we are hoping to do so through the foster system but we want to get our family well established first.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 2:24 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • Thank you ladies :) Fun3oo- I have always wanted to as well. To be honest, I originally planned to never have my own, but now that we have Hannah I wouldn't trade her for the world. I guess I am just so shocked and pissed that he acted so disgusted by the idea, that it kind of hurt. It is not like he didn't know this about me, so I don't understand why he is rebuking the idea now... What I don't want to do is resent getting pregnant because I know that is not what I wanted, but at the same time I wouldn't feel right about preventing pregnancy behind his back... I don't know.... I hope we can talk about this more tonight with cool heads, but we are both so stubborn so it may take a while
    BriHan06

    Comment by BriHan06 (original poster) at 2:26 PM on Jun. 16, 2011

  • Mel- Financially, it is not an issue at all, so I think his worry may be something else...
    BriHan06

    Comment by BriHan06 (original poster) at 2:27 PM on Jun. 16, 2011