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How do i get over someone who i had an emotionally affair with

i found an old high school friend months ago and we started talking well some how innocent conversations went to us thinking we could had loving feelings for each other. so after him giving us a break we started talking again and we agreed we would keep those feelings we had for each other under control, because we are both married but live far apart so nothing physcial could happen, but instead we just had fun over the phone and on messenger. well after a while my husband found out, now my husband and i have been seperated emotionally for a while now but he would still look through my phone and stuff. well then he started to text the other guy wanting to make sure everything was really over between us, well the guy got scared and just decided we needed to stop everything. now i know that was the right decsion but i still can't help but think i really love this other man and i can't seem to get over him. in the beginning we had talked about how or if we could ever be together and the fact that we are still both married and live states away it just never seemed like it could ever work. so im here stuck not talking to him and him not talking to me and yet i cant stop thinking about him. i think about him every day all day. how do i get over him? how do i move on? this was a man that i had a huge crush on in high school never told him of course but after weeks of talking after all these years those feelings came rushing back and now things are so complicated we can never be together but i can't except that. so im asking ladies how do i go on? how do i get this man off my mind? i still want to be friends with him but i dont think he thinks thats the best thing to do cause im assuming he thinks it will land us in the same perdicament as before. so what do i do? any advice??

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:25 PM on Jun. 17, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • You're done. You can never speak to him again. You cannot be friends. You have to make a conscious choice to stop fantasizing about a life that does not and will never exist.

    Answer by Ataemommy at 5:30 PM on Jun. 17, 2011

  • I'm not sure I have an answer for you. i had a very similar situation and it ended in a bad way as well. Only mine was much more drawn out until he suddenly cut off contact with me. I was devastated and still hurt terribly. The only thing I can tell you is that it does get better. In the beginning I would lay in bed and cry and send emails even though they went unanswered. But, now I get sad sometimes when I hear a song or have a memeory but it is no longer debilitating. Hope you feel better soon! Let me know if you need to talk!

    Answer by chelley123 at 5:32 PM on Jun. 17, 2011

  • First off, if u really want to get over him, there is no way u can remain friends with him. U most likely do not love this guy, it's just the thrill of something exciting and new that makes u think that u do. It's perfectly normal for u to feel this wu but before u ruin ur marriage fir nothing, u have to understand that it's actually a chemical in ur brain that is being put off that makes u think u love him, but logically, if u really thought about it, I'll bet that you'll come to the conclusion that u really don't. Trust me on this. Second, it's a process. You won't forget about him over night but if you delete his number, forget his email, and tell him not to contact u, eventually the feeling will fade. There will be times that you'll drive yourself crazy over wanting to pick up the phone and call or text but just try to be strong. Trust me, it might take months, but it will fade. Don't ruin your life because of a rush

    Answer by BitsMom00 at 5:40 PM on Jun. 17, 2011

  • My personal thoughts.

    Most emotional affairs (affairs in general really) get started because something is lacking in the primary relationship and or the person themselves. Some need is going unmet whether that be, something is not being fulfilled: friendship, companionship, sexual needs, respect, understanding..etc...etc..etc.. In order for you to move one. I would strongly suggest taking a good cold hard honest look at yourself and your marriage. Figure out what needs, desires, wants you were not having met either in your marriage or by/for yourself when you started up the relationship with this other man. See what you were getting from him that was most likely lacking from somewhere else. Was it something in your marriage/relationship with your husband was it something from within yourself. Once you figure that out, then start addressing that issue and begin working to rectify it.

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:01 PM on Jun. 17, 2011

  • Ever heard the grass is always greener on the other side? This is what this is. You have trouble in your marriage and you're clinging to a fantasy of "if only" to help you. You need to pick yourself up, cut all ties with this person and sort your own life out, and part of that is your marriage. You need to work on it or it will end. Find out what makes you happy, and that can't be a man on the other side of the world. Remember he has a wife, how would you feel if you were in her shoes? It wouldn't be nice. Stop trying to live in a dream world and start fixing your reality..

    Answer by gutterflower585 at 9:07 PM on Jun. 17, 2011

  • Just wanted to add in that affairs don't always start because something is missing within the relationship. Sometimes it's just that the initial high of a new relationship wears off and even though things are exactly the same ad they were in the beginning, its not new anymore so we seek that feeling of euphoria and excitement and thrill else where. What u have to realize is, this feeling will fade in any relationship, no matter how good it is. When did the emotional distance between you and your husband start? I'm almost willing to bet that it was after you started talking to this new guy.

    Answer by BitsMom00 at 12:49 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I am sorry you are sad, and lonely! I know how that feels. However, your husband is your husband...and you should be able to share ANYTHING with him, and most of all how you are feeling. That isn't putting "more stress" on him. If he feels that way, then he needs to re-evaluate the role of being a husband. Work is one thing. THAT is stress. But sharing feelings between and husband and a wife should be something you can do no matter what! Since you have someone there (sister or MIL) to babysit, I think you should suggest to your husband that you two go somewhere where you can talk (i.e., restaurant, park, wherever) that is neutral territory and you can be alone and get it all out! You don't need to withhold these types of frustrations from him. He should be someone you can depend on; rely on; talk with, about anything and everything in your life! You would want him to do the same, wouldn't you?

    Answer by Lynda-Lou at 9:43 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

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