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No Romance = No Love ?

After 4 years of marriage, I can confirm :
My husband is NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL (with me!).

Last week we heared on the radio a song that I thought to be
"OUR SONG" when we first dated. He didn't know the song he said,
and didn't recall how we'd say this song talks about our love.

Well, he's got CDs with love songs for his big loves in the past.
I don't mind for his past memories, but with me he's never been sweet
and romantic. There is no CD or movie to remind him of us, and he certainly
bought this stuff for his mystery ex's, but he never even thought of doing such
a nice gesture for me.

I feel angry right now, cause all these years he convinced me that being emotional is "NOT HIS TYPE", but he's been Mr Romantic in his past relationships, especially 2 of those.

It's the unfair treatment that P*sses me off !!! Is it ok to feel this ?

**************

 

Thanks ladies for your answers.

My issue is, how come he was romantic with his ex's, but not with me?

I don't think I am "the one" for him, as the souvenirs of his ex lovers are soooo romantic, but he's NEVER been that way with me.

I've been thinking of the times he failed to defend me in front of his mother, or the times he encouraged other women to flirt him.

I feel I've loved him to death, and it hurts to see that IT'S NOT MUTUAL. I don't want to be his victim, so I guess I'll just split.

Good luck  to you all.

 



 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:21 AM on Jun. 18, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I understand why it would bother you that he was romantic with others and not with you. However, and this might help it not hurt so much - but maybe you could try looking at it from this point of view - a lot of times for guys it's about "the chase" and they do these romantic things to get the girl... Which is all great to a certain point, and I think that most of us want to feel pursued and like our man cares enough to do these things. But, to some guys, there's a big level of insecurity with it - like they aren't secure or comfortable or secure enough with the relationship or their importance to the girl, so they have to do this to "win her". That sounds romantic, but for some guys, it gets tiring and old, and they want to be with someone that they can be themselves with - someone that they feel so comfortable and loved and accepted by that they don't think they need to do these things.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:42 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • No romance = realistic marriage! It's not always rainbows and butterflies! To be honest I don't know a lot of men that enjoy romance. It's not that natural to them. Just be honest, let him know it would make you feel more loved if he could make a romantic attempt every now and again.
    cdecker83

    Answer by cdecker83 at 9:43 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • You are allowed to feel anyway you want. Hubs and me are not romantic in the least and it works our PERFECT for us. We are however very secure and comfortable and safe in our relationship, so romance isn't necessary or important in all relationships. If its important and/or necessary for you then talk to him about your needs and desires.

    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 10:55 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • So he wasn't romantic with you when you were dating and you expect it to be different now? Sorry, it doesn't work that way.
    Even when they are before your married, the honeymoon stage ends eventually, and you settle into a different kind of loving relationship.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:28 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • cont

    Consider this - have you ever dated a guy that, say, you would never let see you without your makeup on or your hair done, or want to have him see you when you were sick? But I bet your husband has seen you that way, because you know he loves and accepts you, right? Well - sometimes guys look at the romantic stuff the same way :-)

    Maybe part of the reason they are ex's is because he didn't get to feel like himself, like if he didn't do these things, then he wasn't good enough, kwim? For some men, love / romance can be shown in odd ways. For example - not too long ago, my dh and I were going out to a dressy event. I tried on 2 dresses in the closet and asked his opinion. He told me "the 1st one looked worse". To me - I heard they both looked bad, but... He meant they both looked fine, but he liked the 2nd one better. He can't express love with words all the time, but he's romantic in other ways -

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:48 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • cont

    He's romantic in other ways though - he's given me pedicures / foot rubs when I'm tired, he has cleaned the kitchen after dinner because I've had a long day (I'm a SAHM, he works often long hours in the military). Once, when we had been married about 3 yrs and had 2 little kids and not a lot of money, he drew and cut out 1 doz red roses that were the size of my hand, because he thought I deserved flowers but couldn't afford to buy them for me.

    Some men say I love you by always making sure that your gas tank is full and that your tires are rotated. Some say it with foot massages, some say it with romantic words and special songs. It's important to hear "I love you" in the way that we like to hear it, but, it's also important for us to "listen" for it in the way that our particular man says it, too, if that makes sense... :-)

    I would suggest maybe reading "The 5 languages of Love" - it could help not feel so hurt :-)
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:53 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • My husband has like not one romantic bone in his body. I KNOW he loves me though and we have been together going on 20 yrs...I do have times wehre I wish he had a clue, but he's jsut not that kind of guy. He shows his love differently that's all
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:58 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I do understand why you feel so hurt,and angry. That would bother me too. Did you try to talk to him and tell him how you feel. How you would love it if he was the same way with you. you might want to find out if he really is in love with you, (not love you ,because he does in his speacial way that is why he married you ), but is he in love with you.Just make sure your not one he fell back on just because he lost his other ex's. because at that time you were there for him.
    incarnita

    Answer by incarnita at 10:19 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • Ever so often in a marriage you go through that dreaded "dry spell". I can understand how it's getting under your skin that your husband was so romantic with his exes but not with you. But darling, don't let this consume. Let that go about his exes and you take the bull by the horn in making the effort in making romantic memories for you and your hubby. A lot of times we as wives have to get up off our butts and make things happen. So do that and you just might be plesantly surprised :) Keep your head up, love. Things will get better.
    NubianQueen78

    Answer by NubianQueen78 at 10:20 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • Not to get too personal, but a healthy intimacy in marriage can mean taking turns at each others fantasies even if it's outside of our regular personality comfort zone (just so long as it's not offensive or hurtfull to the spouse).

    So talk about taking turns, and expain some romantic ideas to him that you want when it's your turn. I think he'd be thrilled to earn his turn.
    Dkhilly

    Answer by Dkhilly at 11:16 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

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