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2 Bumps

Is this fair????

I am divorced and have an 11 year old son. I am also remarried with 2 SS (ages 9 and 12) and a one year old DD (finally lol). Anyway my son goes to his dad's house EOW. His dad is remarried to a woman who has 3 children (7, 11, and 13). Now while he is there he is expected to do chores, believe me, I have no problem with that, my SS do chores at my house while they are with us. But they divide all the weekly chores by 4, each getting 1/4th then when my son isn't there but it is time for one of his chores, the Sk take turns doing his but they get to assign him one of their chores to do while he is there. For example say it's his day to do the bathroom (when he isn't even there to mess it up) one of the SK will do it and then assign him their bathroom chore while he is there. So he ends up doing chores all weekend long because each kid gets about an hour to 2 hours worth of chores a day so my son is doing everyone's chores while he is there. The only household thing the SM does is cook dinner and all my ex handles is the lawn so everything else is up to the kids. Now, we get my SS EOW and one day during the week during the school year and half the week each week during the summer, when my SS are here, they do an equal amount of chores as my son but they are not expect to catch up on chores they didn't do while they weren't here, that's not their fault plus why would they be expected to clean when they aren't here to make a mess. I have talked to my ex and he says his wife handles the household so unless I would like to call CPS, he is not changing anything. I am thinking about talking to my son and telling him that he will one hours worth of chores a day while there but that is it. They can't MAKE him do chores, and he said "what are they going to do, send me to my room? (he sleeps on the couch there lol). Is it fair for me to tell my son he doesn't have to do these chores? I do believe in letting the other household run as they want but this is ridiculous

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on Jun. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • I say let them handle what goes on at their house.

    Answer by treynlisa at 10:14 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • Well that is what i have been doing but my son comes home at the end of the weekend saying he has done nothing but chores, and then tells me all the chores he did and I just feel so bad, This is supposed to be time to spend with his dad, not to be SM's maid so she doesn't have to clean.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:16 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I think that your ds is doing too many chores. He should not have to do that many chores at his dad's house, and, to be honest with you, I don't think he should have to do an "extra" chore when he gets home at your house, either. I don't mean that mean, but as you said, he's not even there to mess up the bathroom, or whatever, and if you think about it, both you and your ex are sort of doing the same thing - you're letting a "chore debt" sort of build up, and he has to pay it all at once when he gets there - at your house, it doesn't build up as much, because he's only gone eow, at his Dad's house, it piles up, and he gets slammed with it.

    I think it's reasonable to expect him to have to do chores during the time he is with the parent there, but that's it. He shouldn't have a crazy amount at his dads, and when he's gone, then the other kids should cover his chores (without his "paying back"), or you should.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:16 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • Their house their rules BUT if you are worried that all he is doing there is a weeks worth of chores try talking to his father about your concerns and reminding him that he does chores at your house as well. While you understand he needs to have chores while he is there you feel he is getting burnt out.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:17 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • sailorwifenmom, he does the EXTRA chores, to make up for when he is not there, at dad's house, not mine. I shouldn't have even put what I do, I just wanted to show I have no problem with him doing chores. Same with my SS, they do chores while they are with us, they are not expected to "make up chores" here either

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:19 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • My answer wasn't meant as a bash - reading it after I posted it, I'm afraid it could come across as mean, and I really really don't mean it to be - I think you are entirely right in saying that he should NOT be having to do that many chores at his dad's house, and I would absolutely say something about it.

    I was just trying to point out though (and did mean it in a nice way), that your ex could say that the situation where he has to come home and do a chore for a step sibling who "covered" for him while he was gone is sort of the same thing, just on a smaller scale.... (which could undermine you getting them to lighten up on your ds).

    gl - and I hope things get easier for your ds when he's there!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:20 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • You are talking about YOUR SON and the way you see the unfairness of the chore division established by the SM at his dad's house right? I'd speak up LOUDLY AND OFTEN. If I've understood the question correctly then your son is doing and cleaning wayyyyy too much for things he hasn't contributed any kind of mess to. That's wrong, it's now not a chore it's cheap labor and I would have a real problem with anyone treating my child like that.


    Answer by meooma at 10:21 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • Sailorwifenmom, he doesn't do the extra chores at my house, only at his dads. At my house, all the kids do chores while they are there, while they are not, I do the chores for those who aren't there. My son DOES do slightly more chores then his step brothers but only because he is there more. Ex in my home you might do an hour/ hour and a half worth of chores per day, so if you are here 12 days out of 14 you are going to do more then someone who is here 7 out of 14 BUT it's the same per day when they are all here

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:24 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • doing a weeks worth of chores for a 2 day stay seems out of line. If he is there for the weekends and they want him to pick up the living room after they play , set the table or empty the dish washer GREAT! But chores like cleaning the bathroom and such are things he does at the home where he is 5 days a week. Talk to his father. He should not be responsible for cleaning 2 bathrooms a week. KWIM?

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:24 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I would just tell my ex and his wife - NO, he will not be doing ANY chores while he is there. He is there ONLY to spend time with his father and if that is helping his father do the yard work than fine. Other than that he will be doing nothing.

    Answer by meooma at 10:26 AM on Jun. 18, 2011

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