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I honestly WANT to know if I am being irrational- adult content

6 years ago my husband had an affair with an ex of his that his family all new, then he had another shortly thereafter with her. Well, my mother in law, father in law sister in law and brother in law are all friends with her on facebook (inappropriate in my opinion!) and now my mother in law is talking to her everyday on her wall. I think this is like a slap in the face to me- and it hurts me, especially because I am newly pregnant and this girl had to say something crappy about it. In the past I brought it up and she goes, "OH PLEASE, SHE IS MARRIED!" (which in my opinion didnt matter because my husband and I were married when they carried on their affair!). I know she has to think it's at least slightly inappropriate because she tends to delete their conversations after having them but yet I am told I am being irrational about the friendship. I am not the type of person to say "you cant be friends with so and so-" but this is a very hurtful relationship they are carrying on and I personally think its inappropriate.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:22 PM on Jun. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • We have absolutely no control over what other people do. The only person you can control is yourself. My advice is that if this bothers you, then either delete your whole Facebook account or delete the lot of them from your friends list. If they ask why, then be totally honest, and tell them the truth. There is no law, written or unwritten, that says you have to have certain people on your friends' list just because they are related to you, by marriage or otherwise. It's not worth the upset, so whatever you have to do to have peace about it, do it and let it go!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:27 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I see nothing inappropriate about it. It was your husband that had the affair, not them. They are free to be friends with who ever they please. Just because your hubby couldnt keep his pants up doesnt mean they should pay and lose a friend. If you're so hurt, express your true feelings to both your husband and mother in law. Also stop looking at your MILs facebook page as well as the ex and you wouldnt have to see their convo
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 3:28 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I think it is in poor taste for them to carry on like that knowing he had an affair with her! What is wrong with them!! They r treating u like u r the outsider! She is! not u!!! I would be mad too!!!!
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 3:30 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I agree with dancer!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:31 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • if it is not your husband talking to her, i think you should let it go. i get that it hurts, but i dont see why your in laws should have to stop talking to her because of it. (and i was cheated on, so i can put myself in your place.)
    happy-go-lucky

    Answer by happy-go-lucky at 3:34 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I see something inappropiate about it. Why would his mother want to be friends with someone who was so toxic to his marriage? You can't control anyone else, but I don't think that you are being unreasonable. You are family....she is not.
    HollyBoBolly

    Answer by HollyBoBolly at 3:35 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I don't think you're being irrational at all - it is perfectly natural for you to feel uneasy and not want her to know anything about you and your life now, just as it's natural not to want her to have any connection to your life at all. Could you not, in a calm manner, speak with MIL and explain that you're finding it hard to move on from their indiscretion and her being intertwined is exacerbating things. You could add that you want to be in a good place with your DH when the baby arrives and it would help if she (it) could be out of your lives. You are right to feel as you do - I'd be raging!! No blaming pregnancy hormones this time - your feelings are well-founded / don't dismiss them or try to blame yourself.
    I would try to talk to her coming from the place that it's hurting you rather than from an angry angle-MIL is likely to want to support you to avoid upset than she may be if she thinks you're being controlling.
    ItsHalfFull

    Answer by ItsHalfFull at 3:36 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I so feel your pain. Facebook is a serious issue with me right now. Dh has opened not 1 but 2 accounts. He did them in secret and I found out about them. So far I have yet to detect why he would want any account there I see no wrong doing on his part.
    As far as you go it is in very poor taste of your in laws to do this to you very disrespectful, But you can't control who they have on their friends list either just as I can't control who is on my dh's friends list.
    I would try and see even if hubby could talk to his family about this otherwise I would just try and block them or delete your account if you can I haven't been able to delet mine as of yet. I get you that you don't want some scank he slept with to know what's going on in your life.
    I wish you all the luck in the world.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:12 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I can see how it would be hurtful to you to have your in-laws associate with this person, but unfortunately you really don't have any control or 'say' in who they can/can't be friends with. Maybe your husband could talk to them and say "you know we want to put her behind us, could you please delete and ignore her?". It would be nice if they did think of your feelings and drop her, but I don't know if it will ever happen. I don't know the in-laws, so not sure if they are this type of person or not or not-- but maybe they are friends with her because they know it upsets you, and it is their way to 'get' at you.
    Otherwise I would suggest you just smile and ignore it, and not tell the in-laws anything that you don't want repeated to this person. Keep conversations brief, casual and not personal.
    Good luck!!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 4:21 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I would find it innappropriate that they were discussing me at all, since you mentioned you have been a topic of their conversations. I think it is rude and crass on your mil's part but really you have no control over that. Your only option is to limit the amount of access this lady has in your life which is like another poster said, to delete them from your accounts. If they ask why tell them you aren't comfortable being close with this woman and its fine that they are but bc of this you want to keep your distance. No offense meant but sounds like mil doesnt have a great understanding of healthy relationships anyway, and that carries over to their children, hence the affair.
    NightOwlMama

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 6:36 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

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