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Would you allow your child to be around anyone (namely family) who was the "other woman" in an adulteress relationship?

I found out that my SIL is the "other woman" in an adulteress relationship-with a man 2 1/2 decades older and with 2 kids... and she periodically babysits for them! My husb. and I are separated (b/c he is emotionally abusive) and she is visiting for the summer, and I don't otherwise have a huge problem with his sis. But, this really bothers me. He was in our town for a few days and I discovered they were trying to find a way to meet and get a hotel, etc. Husb. found out and chewed her out, and his dad called the guy and pretty much threatened his life if he had any more contact with my SIL (not condoning this reaction-they had every right to feel/act that way... but very on a whim, not thought through AT ALL). My husb. refuses to even discuss the situation any more, claiming he doesn't know whether she is continuing to contact this guy or not. I have no way to know if she might be carrying on the relationship (I know she at least WANTS to... pathetic!!!... and she claims to be a Christian!), and I personally do not feel comfortable exposing my 3 year old to someone who is involved in such an immoral, hypocritical, unhealthy, and potentially dangerous relationship. I'm not saying her "sin" or issue is worse than anything else, and the debate isn't "Well you let your son be around people who gossip/are homosexuals/living together unmarried (yet have been together for years and consider themselves married, minus the ceremony/paperwork)/imperfect people in general.

I basically want to confront her (she doesn't know I know), and sit down with a bible and tell her exactly what beliefs she is violating, and I do love her, and she can be forgiven, but I can't continue to let her see my son (her nephew) unless she can prove to me that she isn't participating in such a relationship. If she refuses to provide proof (phone records?) then obviously her priorities are out of wack, she is hiding something(s), and doesn't deserve the trust that accompanies the privilege of seeing her nephew. (I have a feeling that my husb, who my son HAS NOT been living with or the last 6 months, will NOT be willing to back me up on this, if that matters. Not that his opinion matters to me b/c obviously he has poor judgement (duh, abuse!), but its the emotional exhaustion and hassle that's just plain stressful, though I am willing to deal with it.)

What do you think? What would you do? Have you "been here"?
Thanks!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:48 PM on Jun. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (24)
  • i would not keep her from seeing your child. she is family, and she probably loves your children. you don't agree with her lifestyle..she doesn't care that you disapprove. trust me. if you want to kill the relationship, you can keep the kids from seeing her, keep her out of your house, etc. but how xtian is that?
    if you want to 'sit her down' and talk to her about things, by all means, do so. just remember its her life, her choices, and what she does with her xtianity is between her and God, not you and your dh. your children do not have to know one little thing about her relationship with this married man..all they know is she is their aunt. (if i've got the story correct)
    you don't have to allow their lifestyle into your home, but if you turn your back on her because of it, i'm sorry. that makes you just as wrong as her adultery. you can pray she wises up, if you want. but she won't until she wants to. trust me.
    dullscissors

    Answer by dullscissors at 11:55 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • I have not been there, but, family is still family. I would not agree with what she was doing, nor would I "accept" it and it would probably hurt our realtionship, but, I probably wouldn't make it a point for my child to never be near her. It's not like she's going to tell the child about her situation or that her ways will "rub off" on the child. I mean my grandfather always had a mistress. Knowing that as an adult I think it sucks, but that doesn't take away the fact that he was my grandfather and I was never kept from him because of that. Though, I would not let my child spemd time with the person and their married lover.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • sitting down with a bible really isn't going to change her mind. I don't agree with her actions but really do you think showing her the bible is going to help?
    vntNyll

    Answer by vntNyll at 11:56 PM on Jun. 18, 2011

  • Judgmental much? How does her being involved in an affair effect her ability to love the children in her family?
    Octobersmom

    Answer by Octobersmom at 12:00 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • If I was in your place I would let her watch my kids. Her having an affair shows she has bad judgement in her personal life, but has no connectionto how well she can take care of kids. If I kept every person who had at one time or another had a affair away from my kids, half their family would be gone. The most i would do is tell her that I dont want her to talk about her affair, her boyfriend or anything connected to that around me or my kids.

    happy-go-lucky

    Answer by happy-go-lucky at 12:01 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Why would you tell your children about your sister's sex/romantic life to begin with?
    NotPanicking

    Answer by NotPanicking at 12:03 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • How the hell is her being in an adulterous relationship going to affect her relationship with her nephew unless you insist on dragging him into it?? I also think it's none of your damn business who she sees or why, and her morals are also not your concern. Do you think "blackmailing" her with seeing/not seeing your nephew can change how she feels about the man she's dating? Seriously?? I'd say you need to consider MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS
    judimary

    Answer by judimary at 12:04 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • She is family!! I would ask her not to bring it around your family. what she does on her own is her own business!!!
    ljmommy1211

    Answer by ljmommy1211 at 12:06 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • It's not contagious
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:08 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • I guess the "sit down with a bible" (she claims Christianity) didn't really get my idea across of what I meant. Basically, just scripture stating that no matter the choices, God (and I) still love her. However, I would basically encourage her to "flee" from sin. If your hand causes you to sin, cut if off sort of thing. Just ditch the relationship. It doesn't take away from loving her, but I can not condone the relationship. I do feel I need to confront her at some point--offer my support in breaking off the relationship, being someone she can lean on, hold her accountable. I do not expect to change her mind/actions, but to sit down and approach her in a gentle way, unlike my husband and his and her father. It isn't a matter of turning my back on her-b/c the offer will still stand that I will be there when everything crumbles-but I feel it is inevitable that this course of behavior will/is overflowing into the rest of her life.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:12 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

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