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A question regarding having this male-friend...

So back in Sophomore year of HS, 15yrs old, I had a friend lets call him T
well me and T had a genuine platonic friendship, we were very protective over each other, much like how a family member would be, and kind of flirty. I met him the summer before freshmen year.
For some reason I always was attracted to him, not so much sexual, but to his personality. Which is probably why we were such great friends

okay well soph year me and him hooked up at a party. We always clung together whenever out, but this time we actually hooked up. Not sex, but he went down on me, we also made out quite a few times. ZThe next week at school we wrote it off as being drunk and that our friendship would remain the same, although the whole weak prior to having that small discussion it was kind of awkward. :/

Okay so again, he lived down the street from my dad, he and I were at his house just hangining out, all of a sudden it turned into a make out sesh. We were going to have sex, but because I waited so long to give him the go he went limp...LOL and I immediately got dressed and told him this exactly. "I think this is a sign that we shouldn't do this, I could get it back up, but we're probably just supposed to be friends and having sex would ruin that and you know it." he was like no it wouldn't, sarcastically, but then after thinking about it he got dressed and was like your right, you're my geek, my nickname to him, I don't want to change that. Then we went in the kitchen to find food lol like it didn't just go down like tht.

Well a few months after I started dating my current fiance. He started hooking up with one of my friends, which I was okay with. He never really wanted to be with her in the way she turned it to be, ended up treating her bad, she cheated that summer, I told him because he was one of my best friends, he thanked me, and then after that they stayed together but he cheated on her so much, would tell her, she would stay because she was in love with him, it was not the other way around.

We always spoke openly about relationships, well generaly and I would give him advice, never felt awkward to me just almost sisterly. Well now I'm 19, have a baby, am going to be married, and I find myself wondering if having this friendship is wrong. I can keep it strictly platonic but me and him have such a deep connection, friend wise, that sometimes I think he has feelings for me again. And I hate to admit it because i feel i should only be feeling this way for my fiance, but i feel a great amount of security with him and a tinge of love, my heart never feels sick or anything from him not being here when time goes by, but partly because I know we will always be bonded as friends, but wouldn't we make such a great couple if we actually took it to that.

Trouble is, me and my fiance have an abusive past, I stuck around because I was genuinely in love with him and he could do no wrong in my eyes. I feel a genuine connection with my fiance too, but some of the drive to have him here still was part infatuation, part love part because we got along so well, part because we have a baby, and part co-dependence. But ever since he got violent with me, even though he is taking classes to prove he is better, and even though he has changed greatly and is a wonderful father, I haven't been able to feel that security again. ANd I dont just want someone coming on here saying you should just dump your fiance. I decided I'd work thru that a while ago for my family.

I have a real mix of the hearts feeling going on
some wisdom would be great, this is literally bringing me to tears writing this.


Asked by Anonymous at 6:30 AM on Jun. 19, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Sounds to me you're wondering if you didn't miss a chance at a happier life, or at least a different kind of life.

    You're going through a rough time right now and the only one to really tell you what you should do is you. But you do have a child - what would be best for the babe? What will be best for your emotional and mental well being? What is going to make you happy? What kind of life do you want to provide for your family? You can answer these, even if it'll take a lot of soul searching. But what ever you do, do it because it's what you feel is right for you and your babe, and not because of what you think is expected of you by others.

    I do hope this helps, even if it didn't directly answer any question.

    Answer by Tommyskitty at 6:49 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • That's a lot for a person to handle. There isn't a correct answer to whether or not you should maintain your friendship. I will say this: my relationship with my husband is such that he would be perfectly fine with me being friends with anyone. He trusts me. I do not conduct myself in a manner that even tests his trust - because I respect and love him.

    It seems that you are making a lot of decisions based on how you feel in the moment, rather than making calculated decisions that would provide you with the best opportunities for success. By having a baby so young, by focusing on emotional issues rather than character, you've put yourself and your baby into a difficult situation. I wish you the best, but from this side of the monitor, it seems that you need to focus on your own personal growth and providing a stable environment in which you can raise your child. You probably need some education and/or a career.

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 7:14 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Wow, you are incredibly knowledgeable of yourself at 19. I'm amazed! It really sounds like you're very aware of the situation you're in. I've always said if you think it's a problem, it is. Maybe you should try to fade out of this friendship.At least until you're on more stable ground in your marriage.

    Answer by camiam81 at 8:10 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • I just talked to my SO about this situation. And in thinking and talking I realized, because our relationship go to such a bad point I didn't feel safe/secure with him any mor. I started believing I would never feel secure with any man, and this friend T is proof that I can feel secure with another man, and it also made me remember what its even like to feel secure. Yes I told him this. I also told him that I feel similar to how a person feels when they are about to cheat and then regret it. for example when a man doesn't feel appreciation and he wrongfully seeks out perhaps a more naive woman to appreciate him. Or when a woman doesn't feel attractive and goes out and seeks male attention. I told him I felt like if we don't work on this I would be emotionally cheating because I would go to T to seek that feeling of security and what if it ended our relationship over a dumb choice.. but we talked a lot and we ended on...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:40 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • a good note. He said he now knows how much this has effected me and he needs to work hard at making me feel secure and he knows if I odn't feel it we will have to end our relationship.

    @DR. Donna, I have made a lot of decisions based on what is right for my son, not necessarily me, and I must live with those decisions. I wrote above how I dealt with this and I think this will lead to good things either way, if we stay together or break up. And I do work and I do go to school. I'm a Junior in college, working very hard to better my life. I'm pretty sure I"m still at the same pace as my graduating class, which I am happy about.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:43 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • First let me say if he "went down on you" then you had sex. That being said, I know you said you don't want to break up with your fiance, but could you honestly enter into a binding relationship, a forever relationship with a man when it's apparent you have feelings for someone else? And honestly, I'm not sure it would really work out with T. We can't always go home. He has also proven to be a cheater. He wasn't satisfied with this other woman so he went out to find others. He could have broken up with her first. You have a lot going for you. You are going to school and working to better your life. I think you deserve to find someone that is going to respect you. If your fiance is that person, then great, if he continues to change and really does never lay a hand on you again. But you have to think about how you feel about him. Marriage is forever. Good luck with whatever you decide.

    Answer by attap5 at 9:58 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • @attap5...I know it was sex, we never had intercourse, like penis vagina intercourse, and we were completely drunk when that one happened. I just came clean to my fiance about it. He said he had a feeling but didn't want to ask.
    ANd About him being a cheater, not saying I want to be with him because I don't necessarily want to be with T, he is just a reminder that I can feel secure again, not because I am In Love, but because our friendship was very secure. We will probably be friends forever. But she cheated on him, so he went around cheating on her. He tried breaking up with the girl but she was psycho and in order to keep the drama down he was with her. We were btoh in HS I don't hold that over him because with other girls he has been faithful.

    And I am waiting on the marriage, After talked to my fiance I, and he agrees, that me feeling secure will make or break us because it is so important.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:15 AM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • oh and he had a feeling we hooked up in some way because some topics were dead topics

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:16 AM on Jun. 19, 2011