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I am a stay at home mom Why does my husband think he doesnt have to do anything

Before I start venting I do want to say I love my husband. He goes to work 5 days a week and never compains. He is great with our two older children. But......
He never helps when I need him too. I get up at 7:30 every morning to take care of the kids. I do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, kid taxi, i handle the bills, dog care, cat care, vets,doctors appointments well everything but I dont mow the lawn. Although I did last weekend. I even work baby sitting for extra money. My husband acts like since he works thats it. Even the simplest things he doesn't do such as diaper changing. He did the dishes tonight and acted like he should have a metal. Doesn't matter I have done everything. I know he works but he works catching shop lifters with his best friends so its alot of fun for him. So when he comes home and says hun I need me time I want to punch him. I don't get me time. Even when I am going potty! Then at 3 am when he gets off the xbox or computer or done watching movies he wants to have adult time. REALLY! I am beyond tired but he acts like I should stay up with him. Some times I want to yell some one has to be the adult. I dont know am I being selfish. Does stay at home mom = do everything kid and house related???

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Mzwest83

Asked by Mzwest83 at 9:10 PM on Jun. 19, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 7 (181 Credits)
Answers (24)
  • You do not have to do everything that goes into taking care of a family. He needs to contribute as well. Sounds to me like he has some growing up to do. I don't know how to teach this guy to be a man, or any tips for you in that area. But you should know that it takes everyone putting in effort to make a family run. You need you time also. He is being selfish.
    danichaos

    Answer by danichaos at 9:19 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • My DH used to do that to me after I had DS #1. I finally told him one day that after dinner, I was going to take some Me time. When he asked me how long I would be gone, I told him that I might be gone for a few hours. I was gone for 4 or 5 hours. He had to change DS's diaper:) That night, I explained to him that if he wanted the ADULT time, he had to help me with the dishes and DS so I wasn't so tired at bedtime. Thankfully, he decided to start helping me. Eventually, he started doing more things around the house. Maybe, you could try starting him on the small jobs that you can do together. Hide the controller and tell him that you want to play the Treasure Hunt game. In order for him to get the controller back, he has to help you with a job around the house. When that job is done, give him a clue on what to do next. Men are like dogs. They behave better when you reward them:) Make it fun.
    dustbunny

    Answer by dustbunny at 9:22 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Talk to him. I'm not a good one to ask about this because I do, do everything. My Hubby's gone over a month at a time with his job. So it's on me to take care of everything, even the vehicles when he's not here. I would list it all, but it's a long list,lol... Be thankful he's working,and can be home. I would give anything to have my Hubby home every night, just to kiss me goodnight...
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 9:23 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • We have 4 kids. Almost 13 11 3 and 11months. They are a handful!! The way I feel is marriage is not 50/50. Its two people who love each other and don't want to see the other person stuggle. I am struggling. I feel Like I am bearly keeping my head above water while my husband is building sand castles on the beach. I feel bad for saying that.
    Mzwest83

    Comment by Mzwest83 (original poster) at 9:23 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Good question. I keep seeing this same question posted in various different ways all over CM Answers. LOL. It's the same for alot of moms I think. (Not all, but alot). I think men see us like "there mothers". Caregivers...not just to the children but to them to. In the back..or front of their minds...they see us as the person to meet ALL the needs of the entire family, his, childrens & pets too. I haven't see a good answer that works so far yet..if there IS one. My DH does pretty good though but, he isn't home everyday. He's an OTR long haul trucker. He's home 2x a month so I'm really on my own for inside and outside work. I've just had to learn to be so organized that it doesn't FEEL like work to me. I'm serious. I breeze through stuff around here. Don't MESS with my daily schedule!! LOL..that's my motto around here & everyone knows it. I had to do something to help MYSELF. Have a SERIOUS talk with him.
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 9:25 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • I have talked to him. He says sorry helps for a few days then goes back to the dark side. LOL.
    Mzwest83

    Comment by Mzwest83 (original poster) at 9:26 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Sounds like your husband does not respect or appreciate your contributions. Get a PT job and let him p/u some of the responsibilities at home-

    Sisteract

    Answer by Sisteract at 9:28 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • I think your question isn't just related to being a stay at home mom - even working moms like myself can have that same issue. You need to have a talk with your husband about doing 50/50 in the relationship. I don't do the lawn either but that was all he was doing for a while (hubby) now, after we have talked (more than once) about how to make things "fair" he has started contributing. We also realized we have different view on what is clean, when the hoovering needs to be done, etc.. so just talking about what expectations for the household each of us had or has is was a good starting point. Good luck!
    Camilletnt

    Answer by Camilletnt at 9:32 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • That is not okay. I have been a SAHM for the majority of my childrens lives. I do all that you mentioned aboved and it is a never ending JOB! Not to mention if you are babysitting TOO then that means you are a WAHM as well as a SAHM!!!

    I currently work 36 hours a weeks so I do expect my DH to help around the house more. Right now we are share the household chores because we both work and I am pregnant so I am exhausted. When I am a SAHM I do not ask my DH for much household wise during the week but I do expect him to help and interact with our children.

    He should help, at the VERY LEAST, with the children. Changing a diaper is something you sign up for when you have kids, whether you are male or female. Sounds like he has a bit of a large ego issue that has him thinking he is entilted to a whole lot of doing nothing.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • a conversatin needs to be had. I have a very similar schedule-by choice if Im in the bed when my husband comes home from work and theres dishes in the sink, he freely does them without me asking. Of my son has to eat lunch and I want to shower I'll ask him to handle it. A household is to be shared. Yes he might work outside the home but if you did, I doubt his actions will be any different. You need to let him know how you feel before you become overwhelmed and frustrated.
    thelovelymzbre

    Answer by thelovelymzbre at 10:00 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

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