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What would you do if your husband followed you to a safe house?

My husband, who I am separated from, told me tonight he followed me to a support group meeting I went to at the domestic violence safe house. We are separated because he is abusive, more emotionally than physically.

I had a restraining order against him once, which I chose to drop (dumb choice? maybe. probably...). But, the fact that he FOLLOWED me to a safe house, KNOWING that was where I was going is really upsetting to me. Do I file another restraining order and this time, keep it, while I file for divorce?

I've held off filing for divorce b/c I thought that if he got help, he might turn himself around. So far, he insists that he is getting better, etc. but its been 6 months and not much has changed. He had the nerve tonight to tell me that I just don't want to come home b/c I am living a "cushy" life right now. (Really? Sleeping on a twin mattress in my parents' living room, with my toddler son on a palette next to me? No space of my own? Crappy vehicle? Having to work around the 3 other adults that live in this house besides myself while wrangling a toddler? Trying to go to school part/full time. Oh, the list continues....)
I'm crushed, pissed... and I don't want to get to a point where my head falls off completely...

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:33 PM on Jun. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • If you feel threatened then I'd definitely file another restraining order.

    Answer by SalemWitchChild at 11:38 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Make sure the people at the domestic violence safe house know about it and follow their advice--they are the pros. If you feel threatened I would also report his stalking behavior to the police. Stalking itself is also illegal. Get your restraining order back.

    Answer by GrammytoTrin at 11:41 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • Im sorry... I have been where you are, honey, and I KNOW its not easy, especially when you love him and WANT him to change. Unfortunately, 99 times out of 100, abusers DONT change.... its a sad fact. If he is turning this around, playing psychological "you dont want to come back, you never really loved me, you're probably already sleeping with somebody else... blah blah blah", then he is still exhibiting an abusive pattern. Most people DONT know that manipulation, and belittling IS a form of control, and abuse.

    THE BEST THING you can do for your self and your son, is to program your phone to forward his calls to VM. Dont answer., PERIOD. Dont allow yourself to argue. He reels you back in everytime he gets you to defend yourself. everytime he gets you to come back with a response. It hurts, but you have to close the door then deadbolt it, weld it shut, throw out the key and run away.

    Answer by bigmamabone at 11:51 PM on Jun. 19, 2011

  • He's following you. That means he's not getting better. Get the restraining order.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:44 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • It's to my understanding that a woman's spouse, BF, or whoever is not to know where the safehouse is. I would have to definitely let the people there know that your husband followed you there and that you weren't aware of it until he mentioned the fact that he followed you. They would know what to do and the reason they are there is to keep people safe. Maybe you should let the police escort you to the meetings so it won't happen again.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:47 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • You may be putting other women in jeopardy as well! File another restraining order. The fact that he is stalking you should be enough!!

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:29 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • You shouldn't have dropped it in the first place. I'd file for one real quick.

    Answer by monstersmommy20 at 1:40 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • i'm going through divorce right now cause my second husband was very abusive. what in the hell were you thinking in dropping the order of protection!!! abusive men never ever ever change! I don't see why you didn't immediately call the cops after finding out he followed you.. I'm not going to give you supportive nice advice like these other women, you're dumb for canceling the restraining order. men like him will never change. hope can't believe you would have wanted to raise your kid with a man like him after the abuse.

    Answer by CEWarsop at 7:34 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

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