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Am I being too hopeful about my open adoption situation?

I'm going through an open adoption agency and just recently chose the parents to adopt my baby. I wasn't sure how open I wanted it to be, but after meeting with and talking to them I've found they're amazing people. They are adament about letting the child know from the start that they're his or her parents, but that I'm out there and I love him or her. Before meeting them, though, I didn't want the child to know about me at all. However, now I think I've changed my mind. I just wonder if I'm being too hopeful that my situation will be different from the stories I've heard where things don't work out as planned. Advice?


Asked by BriasMommy_827 at 8:27 PM on Dec. 12, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (9)
  • cont...Some adoptive families are disappointed that the birthmother doesn't want to be more in contact, if at all, while other firstmoms are disappointed they don't have more updates or contact. Being very specific and having it in writing can help. I hope that it really does work. It can work but I will be truthful - it can be awkard at times for all the adults in the situation. As much as they admire you and you like them - it is a relationship that has to be nurtured and the effort must be there. Toes will be steped on from time to time. Discuss that too. Nothing is perfect but working out how to handle when it does get a little uncomfortable can go a long way.

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:51 PM on Dec. 13, 2008

  • You love your child. I would put together a love box filled with letters you write to your child while your pregnant, any pics of you and your family, any little keep sakes you might want to give him/her. Give it to the adoptive parents and let them keep it and give to your child when he/she is old enough to understand and appreciate what you have done. Therefore, if for some reason contact is cut off you can only hope that through this box your child will know who you are and that you loved him/her without any doubt.


    Answer by Southerncharmes at 8:31 PM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • I would seriously suggest giving birth to your baby and bonding with your baby before handing baby over to complete strangers. Also, you have no choice about whether baby should know about you or not. Adoptees have a right to know who their mothers are.

    Either way, adoption is a huge decision and best made AFTER baby is born and AFTER you have taken a few days to get used to having your baby. Remember, if you want your baby once you give birth, you have every right to change your mind. The feelings of the PAP's are irrelevent.

    Answer by randi1978 at 8:32 PM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • randi1978; thanks for that advice. i just think that i should add in my situation bonding or not bonding with this new baby isn't the determining factor in keeping it. of course i would bond with my baby. this decision is being made because i have a child now that i can care for, but adding another would make it impossible. i'm just not able to financially support two children. so, in my opinion and situation it is necessary to make this decision before birth. i feel like it's the responsible thing to do for this child so that he/she can have a home that's financially stable to go to.

    but thank you so much for being honest. =]

    Answer by BriasMommy_827 at 8:37 PM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • Many people are having financial did our ancestors did in the 30's...Situations change adoption is forever!!!!!

    Answer by Kidsmamabear at 11:01 PM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • I can say that as a potential AP, the adoption CAN work out and be good for everyone. I hate to see the hateful posts here because not all AP's are horrible people, nor are all Bmom's bad people. I hope everything works out well for you, your baby and the adoptive parents. I really liked the idea about the box with nice things in it. I just spoke with an adoptee last night and it was encouraging to hear his story and how happy he was with how his life turned out. He met his birthmom just a couple years ago and long story short, I know several adoptees who are very happy, successful people.

    Answer by RentaMom at 11:24 AM on Dec. 13, 2008

  • Make sure you sit down and talk about exactly what you all think open adoption is. Don't settle for "as much contact as you like, it's in your court", be specific. Ask for more contact than you think you want. Write up an agreement, it wont be legally binding. If they are religious ask them to swear they will follow it. Make sure you get all their contact information: names, address, all phone numbers, email addresses etc. If they wont trust you with that then don't trust them with your baby.

    But honestly, I've heard of aparents treat bmom like family only to cut her off when the baby becomes a toddler. You have absolutely NO rights once you've signed the papers. An estimated 80% of adoptions close.


    Answer by onethentwins at 12:58 PM on Dec. 13, 2008

  • RentaMom-I only noticed truthful statements, I didn't take anything said here as "hateful".

    OP- Please make sure that you exhaust any resources that are available in your area and that you research how adoption will effect not only the baby, but also your other child. You have no idea how you will feel after the adoption, believe me I have been there. There are many women who think they are completely decided and happy with their decision until the baby is born. At that time changing your mind can feel difficult becuase of the PAP's. Whatever your choice, I would like to welcome you to come to the Birthmom group here on CM, I'm not sure how to post a link but it is on my page as well as some of the other bmom's who have posted replies. It is also a great place to ask any questions that you may have. :)

    Answer by summerleigh at 12:59 PM on Dec. 13, 2008

  • You sound very mature and like you have thought this through. I think you already know you are making the right decision. The only thing I think that could mess this up, and don't take offense, is you and your love for your unborn child. I think that is what happens in these open adoption cases. The adoptive parents are willing to accomodate the birthmom and allow her to see the baby, but then she oversteps her bounds. And I can understand why the birthmom would. It can't possibly be easy to watch your child being raised by strangers. And you're just going to have to accept that part if you give up your child. I think you should definitely keep it open, because of your other child. They will want to know each other.

    Answer by feesharose at 1:09 PM on Dec. 13, 2008