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2 Bumps

Is there something I am missing??

I have 2 boys, ages 5 and 7, who are my world!! They have lived with me solely for the past 3yrs, and before that, I was still married to their father. They used to cry and throw a fit when they had to go visit him once a month. Now that he has a new girlfriend, he is trying to take a bigger part in their lives. Yay for him. But, I feel like they like being with their father more than they like being with me now. They no longer get upset about going over there, and they don't get upset about coming home. I'm just trying to figure out why it is that they are suddenly okay with seeing him more. I know that he has bought them each a laptop, Xbox, Wii, and something called a DS. I'm thinking since they don't get to play video games all the time at home, that he has them bribed by letting them play when they are at his house. My youngest tells me all the time that they stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning and play, since it's in their room at his house. Should I be feeling like a "bad mom" since I don't give them whatever they want? Will they want to be with him instead of me now? how do I explain to them that I don't let them play video games, and that we have rules at our house, because there are rules in life? They have a bed time, bath time, and time limit on tv and video games at home, not to mention they HAVE to have manners when they are home. When they are with their father, all of the above goes out the window! He own't make them take a bath for a week!!! HELP!!!

Answer Question
 
chavemann

Asked by chavemann at 10:21 AM on Jun. 20, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 3 (22 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • When the other parent buys the children's love, it sucks. But just know that YOU are the one that is doing best by your children. Right now he is trying to impress the girlfriend. It will pass. What he is doing is not going to have a lasting effect. Just remember Christmas. Do your boys remember what they got? Probably not, but I bet they remember what you did and who was there. Material things are whispers in the wind. It's what you do with your children and what you teach your children that will be remembered far into the future.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 10:25 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • your either going to have to talk to the ex about setting up rules at both houses for the kids or your going to have to sit the kids down and explain that you have rules at your house and dad has rules at his house.....and i dont think you have worry about them not want to be home i think they are just getting older and feel more comfortable with him.....
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 10:27 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • first you are not a bad mom, and second you should be happy that they want to spend time with their father, it is good for them. Realize that he is going to do things differently then you and that is okay. I think you have to realize that as they get older things are gong to get harder and they may want to spend more time with their father because he gives them more freedom than you do. Maybe you could try and talk to their father about being on the same page with rules although you can't force him to follow your rules.

    If they are happy being at both houses then I would just go with it for now.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 10:32 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • He is just trying to buy their attention and love. But you are doing the right thing by not spoiling them and having rules set. They will realize this when they are older, and they will appreciate you for it. Don't let it get to you. Maybe take the boys out to a park with a lake or river and just let them be boys! i bet they'd love it way more than sitting around playing video games all day.
    abannist

    Answer by abannist at 10:34 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Dont feel bad b/c they have your love soley b/c you took care of them and give them love. their dad is BUYING them not getting them to love him b/c he is a good dad. DONT EVER FEEL BAD about being a GOOD mom, there will come a time when daddy wont buy them something and once his $$ has faded mom will still be there with home made treats and hugs. Its good for children to have stablitiy and rules and structure. and once dads new GF is gone chances are he isnt going to want to do the things hes doing now. as for the not taking baths thats a health issue and if he wont make them bathe then that should be something address to him
    Leelee1008

    Answer by Leelee1008 at 10:41 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • The bath thing is a BIG issue. Last year, I found out the only time they took bathes was when they wanted to because they were that filthy. I go to their day care everyday, regardless of who has them that night, and I have seen them so dirty that I take them to the bathroom and wash their hands, arms, face, and legs. I always call him, and he says they are boys, so they don't need to shower every day. We just went on vacation to the ocean for the weekend, and they had a blast, but this morning I get my oldest asking me that it's only aweek till they get to play video games all weekend at their dads. (he has them one weekend this month). I'm so used to them being mommy's babies, I don't know how to deal with this. Their father has NO rules at his house, and it drives me crazy when they come home after a weekend away, and "forget" the rules at home...
    chavemann

    Comment by chavemann (original poster) at 10:51 AM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • ahhh.... this is what I call "Disneyland Daddy". The man that only has the kids a certain amount of time and knows that spoiling them with a bunch of random stuff will win their affection for the time being. My dad did it, my friend's dads did it, I have plenty of friends whose exes do it as well. It sucks, but all you can do is TRY to communicate to your ex that you would like some middle ground as far as reasonable things like not too many hours spent on TV, and showers at least every other day, or something like that. If he will not agree, that just proves that he is not interested in what is best for the kids and you as the mother of his children. You stay consistent and smart with those boys and as they grow they will KNOW who they can count on when it really matters, not just when they want new toys. Hang in there.
    KTMOM

    Answer by KTMOM at 12:05 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • The important thing here.....does he love them? If he loves them and you know in your heart that he loves them, try not to let this stuff bother you. Your kids are very lucky that their dad is actively in their lives because so many children don't have that. Try talking to him about bedtimes and baths at least every couple of days so the daycare doesn't report them for neglect.......
    slw123

    Answer by slw123 at 12:44 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Wow, good luck.
    Samanthamommy

    Answer by Samanthamommy at 12:46 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I have exactly the same problem. Right now the kids can't see it, but as they get older they will know who cared for them appropriately. Their father has a lot to make up for if he wasn't in the picture for awhile, so they do deserve a little extra attention from him. He will soon grow tired of the behavior he creates. I would aslo talk to him about giving them more structure, hopefully he will be perseptive to it. My ex gets kids everyother weekend, and doesn't bathe them-it drives me crazy!! The best thing i have found is not to be confrontational with the ex, but be sincere and concerned...maybe have a meeting to discuss consistent parenting rules. Take some of his ideas to heart and he will take some of yours. Also maybe set aside one day a month for mommy to spoil the kids. Its nice to indulge once in awhile. Children crave consitency, so in the end you will be the winner.
    nacoledawn

    Answer by nacoledawn at 1:04 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

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