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Should I be angry with my family, especially my mother?

I am the second of four siblings. I live in the northern part of the state and everyone else is down south. My family only knows my kids by Facebook and some pictures. When they were younger we drug them down there. No one has visited us in 15 years, but yet they go to Europe,Africa and South America. My mother always talks about my sister Donna and all her issues. My husband has been in remission from cancer for two years and I didnt tell them. My mother always impatiently listens to me, then she starts on my sister.

My only brother is miffed because my two sisters dont include him in activity. No one ever visits us. I told my mother that I have had some serious issues also and Donna isnt the only one struggling. All she said was I know that's right. Not, well what is wrong or anything.
I have lived with my outlaws and it was horrific.I called crying one time because I was just so tired. She didn't say much, but got off the phone and called Donna, who called me being nosey

My siblings hardly ever call her and I call once a day, she is a widow and lives alone. She only calls me if I havent called for a week or someone is ill, dead or she wants to vent how my siblings treat her. She didnt call dh for Father's Day this year or ever. But last year she told me she called an ex bf of mine! WTH. My husband is always nice to her and when we were better off we sent money.

My niece unfriended me when I didnt fly down to her baby shower or send a gift. My plan was to wait until after the shower and we were going to either buy something or send a giftcard.



Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Jun. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • Just ignore them for awhile. Maybe they will come around.

    Answer by momavanessa at 3:33 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I would feel hurt as well, but what you have to remember is that by getting angry, you aren't hurting them; you are only hurting yourself. Don't let them win by letting it get to you (I know, MUCH easier said than done.) All you can do is try your best, and sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's worth putting yourself through whatever you are going through inside to be stomped on over and over. then you have to realize that your sanity and well being are worth more and you have to decide to move on and not hold onto all that anger/hurt anymore. I wish you the best of luck. I would try talking to your mom about how you are feeling on the offchance that she doesn't realize what she's doing or how you are feeling about it. *hugs*

    Answer by Kword at 3:33 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • you seem really emotinal about this. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. ((huggs))

    Answer by momthruivf at 3:34 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I am so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like your mom takes you for granted. I know many single women who live alone at an old age and they all seem to have a tendency to be a little selfish except for one very sweet woman I know. I think it has something to do with them feeling like their kids owe them something.

    You are not crazy! If you can, consider not talking to you mom for a while just so she knows what it feels like to not have your support. Maybe she will appreciate you then. Also, that will give you extra time and energy to focus on your husband since he is going through a hard time. I am sure you are taking good care of him. A situation like the one you are in with your mom sounds emotionally draining and something you do not need right now.

    Answer by Gingerwheel at 3:39 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I know exactly how you feel, because I have the same kind of relationship with my mom. She'll go on and on about my brothers and cousins and how they are doing or if they are stressed and she's worried about them. I'll call her crying or telling her things and just like your mom, she just waits till I'm done and then tells me "well this is your life, deal with it!" Since January I've been very distant from her and no longer go there every day (she lives a mile away from me). It hurt my feelings when a cousin of mine was getting married for the second time and she preferred going to her wedding then celebrating my 20th anniversary (the same day). My dad got upset and didn't go to the wedding, because he wanted to take us all out for dinner and celebration. She just sent in her RSVP (for her and my dad) without even thinking twice about it. I guess my cousin is more important than me. (((((HUGS)))))

    Answer by Ashoonik at 3:42 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Of course you're not crazy. They are toxic.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:55 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • It's like you moved away and out of the drama. No drama, no fun (for them). I know it hurts, but you have to protect yourself. It's time to distance yourself emotionally, don't initiate contact and allow yourself to heal. Once you are healed, if they call you, fine, if they don't, fine. You'll be ok and that's the important part.

    Answer by RobotLady at 4:00 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I don't think you are crazy. To be so treated would be disturbing to anyone. The truth is that you have no power to make them change, but you can change yourself. No relationship that is one-sided can ever be successful. What you can do is find yourself a family where you are with whom you can be close and visit and do the things you would like to do with family. Look around you for an older couple who doesn't have family closeby and start inviting them to dinner or befriending them in ways that will be meaningful to them. I have more family like this than I do by blood. They fulfill a real need in my life and I in theirs. It's the best of the best. You are loving because you want to and because you feel obligated. Give it a try. I'm not saying you should completely disregard your birth family, but I do think you should stop doing all the pusuing of having a relationship with them.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:00 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I'm going through the same thign with some of my family. It hurts so bad because you love them so much and would do anything for them, but they wouldn't do the same thing. I've learned to just let it go. Yes it hurts when I look on FB and see my aunt's talking to each other and tlaking about visits to each other and they say nothing to me. I've tried making an effort but I can only do so much. I just have to move on from it... focus on your hubby and daughter. I'm happy he is fighting that cancer! GL to you and maybe your family will come around one day.

    Answer by CollinsMommy729 at 4:38 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • No, you are absolutely not crazy. And, I would be angry. That's for sure. And incredibly hurt. I wouldn't call anymore. I wouldn't communicate with them in any manner. If I had to, and they asked why I wasn't calling, or whatever, I would tell them they are nasty, toxic people. That would get them and they would either ask more, or leave you alone. OR, you could just spill it all. Which might be better, so they would know. I have said it before, just because they are family doesn't mean they belong in your life.
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a few family members I will not allow in my life, or near my kids. Ever. One sends me gifts in hopes that I will allow her in our lives, not gonna happen. You should not have to be the only one making an effort in any kind of relationship. That's not healthy.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 4:55 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

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