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Step Parent issues concerning the children.

Well, I have been married for 3 years to my husband. And he has 2 girls (one is 10 and the other is 7) , they are my step daughters. Well the oldest still does not accept me as a Step Mom and does not include me and treats me like I am invisible! My oldest stepdaughter only wants her Dad, because she only gets to see him half the time. It has been 3 years now since I married their Dad, and still not really making any headway with the oldest. The youngest one is wonderful!, she goes with the flow. How do I reach the oldest!!!!? Before it is too late!

thanks,

Stephanie

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:32 PM on Jun. 20, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • You dont. My husband came into our marriage and two of my kids (older ones) never accepted him the same as the younger ones did. All you can do is tell them you dont want to be their mom, just another grown up on their side. Thats it. Try and be their friend, not their mom. You arent after all and she is old enough to know that.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 5:33 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • The oldest is a lost cause. she will never execpt you as a stepmom. Stop trying. Let her dad deal with her.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:44 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Try to sit down alone with her and talk. No child is a "lost cause" so i hope you dont look at it like that. try to exlpain to her that you arent trying to take the spot of her mother. you just want to be her friend. let her know that its always nice to have someone other than mom,dad and friends her age to talk to. i dont know if you have tried this, but try to get down to her level... like get involed and invite her to go do things she loves to do, just the two of you. you can have girl talk while out for a walk. or go to the mall and have slushies... sit in her/your room and paint toes or whatever she likes to do. show her your a friend and your not trying to take her daddy away. i hope this helps and good luck. :)
    dfwhite

    Answer by dfwhite at 5:58 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Maybe you could try a girls only day...go to the spa, have lunch....do fun girly stuff. Maybe it'll open up communication and give you a chance to form a bond.
    tspillane

    Answer by tspillane at 7:25 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • I think one on one time is the answer. My oldest step son is 9 and he was pretty cold to me at first to. I got him a guitar and I take him once a week to his lesson. I dont turn the radio on or let him bring his video games. When he asks why I tell him because I want to talk with him because I like talking to him. I also keep gum in my truck and we stop on the way and try all the different gums together. So far we both agree that bubble yum is the best, because it makes the biggest bubbles. ometimes he still gets mean or rude with me. I just tell him he is being mean and that it hurts. If he keeps it up after Ive asked him to stop, I remind him that I am obligated (because Im an adult and its what we do) to tell his father. Im allways on his dads side first! Never let them talk you into keeping things from thier dad, no matter what they offer! Thats really your only back up, so dont screw that up.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 7:54 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Be persistent.
    Discuss with you DH, to see if he is aware of the problem, or has any suggestions. Keep communication open, as that builds strong, healthy relationships.
    The older girl may have a lot of fear. The first marriage didn't work, and now she's split between the two (? Does she see her mom?). Maybe she's afraid to let you get close, because she knows you aren't really related to her, and if the marriage failed, she would lose you completely.
    You have to build trust. A Girls Only day is a great start. Develop some ritual or routine that she can count on. If you ever left your DH, would you keep in touch with the girl? If so, let her know that! Also, make sure she has plenty of access to her dad. She may be using him to hurt you, but she obviously needs his attention, too.
    Another good thing would be to start the Family Council routine. Everyone meets once a week to talk. This really helps all families.
    LoreleiSieja

    Answer by LoreleiSieja at 9:27 PM on Jun. 20, 2011

  • Okay, this is experience, She did not ask you to come into her life! That is why she resents you. I don't know your story, but personally I felt that my step-mom put her mouth in places it did not belong. (ie once she told me what type of sanitary napkin to use-I knew what i was doing) give it time, don't give up, LISTEN, try not to judge, tell her it is okay if she hates you, You are the adult and she needs to know that she is just a child, in a very difficult situation. I am now 26 and just last year made amends with my step mom. It may take years. Personally I wouldn't discipline, let dad do it. I hated when she did. Good luck and lots of patience.
    FebPenguins

    Answer by FebPenguins at 10:18 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • At this point, I would be very frank with her. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not wanting to replace her mom. You understand that divorce is totally unfair to the children, and guess what? they don't have to like it. BUT she does have to respect you as an adult. She doesn't have to be your best friend but she may not be disrespectful to you...and your DH should back you on this one. If you read books about blended families, they will tell you you don't have to have this sugary relationship with your step-kids, but they do have to show respect.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 12:52 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

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