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2 Bumps

I'm about to ban my husband from porn

Now, I know there are a lot of women here who think porn is cheating and I shouldn't put up with it in the first place. Let me just make it very clear that I disagree with you. My husband watches very seldom, he is not addicted, and usually I don't have an issue with it.

Today I feel a little differently. I've been waiting for him to initiate sex with me for days. I initiate 90% of the time, and I have just really needed to feel wanted this week. I know it takes him forever to feel like he needs sex (his libido is low), so I've been patient, dropping subtle hints (and yes, I know those don't work, but I don't want to initiate this time lol).

And I get up this morning and I just had a feeling... sure enough, porn in the history. Actually, it was in the "recently closed windows" because he deleted the history. Which is another issue. The deal was he could watch whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted as long as he left the history for me to see.

There are reasons he wouldn't initiate sex with me this morning. I was sleeping and he hates to wake me up for anything, much less sex. His knees have been hurting badly, so he probably didn't want to "do any work", and it might have just been an early morning getting ready for work thing.

But I'm still upset. I feel like there's something wrong with me, that he never wants me, and would rather yank it to porn than say anything to me.

Do I confront him? I mean, like I said, this isn't an every day type of thing, and it's my fault for feeling left out, since I KNOW he hates to initiate and I didn't say I wanted him, but it's still crap that he never wants his wife enough to tell her so.

What do I do?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:21 AM on Jun. 21, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (34)
  • There's a lot of projection going on in this thread. People can't see past their own experiences to be able to see what *your* saying about *your* situation. They read your post and it sets off their pain and hurt and even though the situation is completely different they filter everything you write through that.

    I don't have any advice, just want to say I hear you!  I'm in a pretty similar situation, and finally had to lay it out for him.  Told him I was frustrated and that frustration was turning into anger and resentment.  It seems to have sunk in, but I'm going to give it a little longer before I buy the champagne to celebrate!


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:30 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Of course you confront him. Just not in a threatening way. You can't have a good marriage if you don't communicate.
    There are ways for him to raise his libido(as you put it) and he needs to be willing to at least look
    into it. If you are questioning his wanting you in any way you guys need to talk about it. Your marriage
    is going to start suffering if you don't get it worked out.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 9:27 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • You seem so defensive of the porn and totally unwilling to admit it's a problem. Why ask the question if you don't want to take anyones' advice? We are all trying to tell you this seems like a bigger problem than you think, maybe we all have experience in this department? My ex was a porn addict. It never made him not want to have sex. He wanted it all the time, but each man is different. You can't say he doesn't have an issue when he is permited to do it and he's hiding it! That doesn't make sense! Why do you check up on him if you are totally ok with it? That doesn't make sense either. I understand you need to feel wanted, every woman does. But you need to admit somewhere that you feel he wants porn more than you. IMO if he didn't have any libido, he wouldn't be looking at porn. He'd be on CNN or sports.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 10:02 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • . If a man says he isn't watching porn, he's lying. That's the truth

    That may be the truth in YOUR house honey, but it isn't in mine. My husband doesn't watch porn and he isn't lying about it either. I'm sorry you don't trust your husband but there are some of us that actually DO trust our husbands. I'm one of those rare women who take care of my husband's sexual needs so he has no need to turn to porn.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:30 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • If a man says he isn't watching porn, he's lying. That's the truth

    My husband doesn't watch porn, he is grossed out by it. and that is a ,essed up statement. not every man watches porn.

    Answer by fun3oo at 10:33 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • He might have more of a porn addiction than you think - esp. if he's erasing histories etc.. you should look at your past experiences with him and really consider if he's getting off with porn more than you... you can't control him, he'll just sneak it -- he already is. Sorry you're dealing with this. Good Luck.

    Answer by Camilletnt at 9:26 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • talk to him about it, maybe he doesnt see it the same way you do.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:27 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I agree wtih Camilletnt--he should have no reason to erase the history.

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 9:28 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Banning/forbidding something only makes it more appealing, and he'll just end up sneaking around to watch it anyways.

    TALK to him. Sounds like you were trying to be more passive in your approach & are hurt that it didn't work. You know his low libido, his logic/excuses, etc., but instead of saying "hmm I need to up my approach and talk to him" you threaten to forbid a grown man from doing something.


    Answer by EgoTryptophan at 9:31 AM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • "If a man says he isn't watching porn, he's lying." Wow, how sad. My man does not watch porn at all, nor does he care to. We were flipping through the channels last night and something raunchy came on, he was like "what the hell!" and changed the channel. I'm not a superstar goddess or anything but I'm all he needs. I'm not saying porn is wrong for other people. I'm just saying that "ALL men watch porn" is like saying "ALL girls with blonde hair are sluts." WTH? Or let me guess, loudnproud, my husband is gay? I think not!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:36 AM on Jun. 21, 2011