Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

What would you do?

I recently left my abusive partner. We were both miserable and my kids (not his) were miserable as well. We have been speaking civilly to each other as we sort out separating our finances and everything.

He has now admitted that he was abusive (never would before). He has acknowledged it and said he will change. He asked if he could prove he had changed, would I give him another chance?

Now, I would not do it right now. My kids are happy he's gone, and frankly I'm feeling so much better, too. However, I do still love him and I remember how he was before he became abusive and if we had that, I'd be happy.

It would take years before I'd believe that he wouldn't abuse me again, and of course he would need to get counseling and stuff to prove to me that he means it. I think a lot of what he did (never physical) he didn't realize it was abuse - his mother did that same stuff to him, and I think he really thought it was just "normal".

I'm thinking that the best I could give him right now is that we could be friends (who don't hang out), and if in a few years, I can see that he's changed, that maybe we could consider giving it another try - not until my kids are on their own, though, so that if things were to go south again, they wouldn't be a part of it..

Is this a totally insane thought, or would you consider this, too?

(And yes, I do know that most abusers don't change, and that this could be a ploy to try to get me to come back, which is why I will not go back now.)

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:20 PM on Jun. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Maybe once the kids are all 18!
    Kidding.
    Don't do it,you can do better
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 12:24 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I say you should at the most be friends. If that. From what I have seen with friends that have been in abusive relationships the guy says he will stop and things go good for awhile then when everything gets comfortable again, the abuse starts. If you love him and want to be with him, get out on your own, make him do some anger management and then see how it goes. But in the mean time live your life and be happy.
    AzMom520

    Answer by AzMom520 at 12:24 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I think you are handling this situation the best way possible. I actually commend you on your strength. Just stick to your plan.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:25 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Stick with your plan.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:41 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Some people do change, if they are motivated to change. You could be that motivation. So I say go for it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:46 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing if he can prove himself, but it needs to be from a distance. It sounds like you want plenty of space and time, but if/when you start thinking about being with him again, it should be very slow. Dating, no sleepovers, etc for a long time.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 12:50 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • If it were me, I would not take him back. I would not want to worry if he will go back to being an abuser, and I would not want to put myself and my kids thru that again.
    NOW as for you--- I think that you need to look into your heart and do what you feel is best for you and your children. IF you do still love him, and do still want a relationship with him, I think you would be right to insist he get counseling, start out as friends and take the relationship very slow. Maybe date for quite a while and see how it goes and see if he is following thru on his therapy, and working on his issues. IF you really don't want to go thru it again, then it is best to just tell him that it did not work out, and the most you could be would be friends and nothing more.
    I hope that whatever you decide it all works out - -good luck!!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 1:18 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • You're strong...you can make it without hiim and deserve much better than him! Keep to your plan for the kids sake.
    tspillane

    Answer by tspillane at 1:41 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Stick with your plan.
    pookiekins34

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 1:41 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN