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Resentful feelings

Long story short my mom and I overall had/have a fantastic relationship. Shes super supportive, helpful, encouraging etc...For some reason that I cant figure out I have such resentful feelings for her, when she calls I cringe, when I see emails from her I cringe, a phone call with her is literally something I dread every day and I dont know why. This doesnt happen in person with her. We have been to counseling together, individually, we have talked to eachother and hashed out differences and nothing works. There are two things that happened as a kid that I still think about and blame that as the reason I feel this way today. In 8th grade I was approaching the graduation dress shopping time and was so excited for my mom to take me and it seemed like she kept putting it off then one Sunday she asked me to go and I was so excited. We left my dad and sister at home. Once we got on the road she told me we werent really dress shopping, she was bringing me to meet the man she was having an affair with..... and she did, and I met him and was polite but inside i was dying. I couldnt believe she would 1. have an affair 2. make me meet him. So many emotions were running through my body. After we left there she didnt even take me dress shopping. We returned home and I kept that a secret. Later on when I was 15-ish I was dealing with my first serious relationship and it was an unhealthy one. There was absuse, mind games, just horrible and that was hard on me. My mom left my dad and took me and my sister with her. We were staying at my aunts who was away and my sister went to a friends house so it was me and my mom. She left to go out to the bars and hang with men. I was in need of her, my parents just split up that night, my bf was abusive, i needed her and she wouldnt respond to her pager. I paged her 911 and told her to come home i needed her and she said she would come home when she was done. I sat there w/the worst depression and feelings ever. She did this one more time to me, she had gotten back w/my dad. I was 17 and was in another relationship with my first true love (to this day he still is my first true love)and it wasnt working out so this was my first love breakup which as we all know is devastating and my mom left my dad again during this time and again was out all the time when I needed her the most. I was never close to my dad (until the last couple years) and so this was really upsetting. My mom has since acknowledged what she did was wrong, and apologized and for some reason I just have deep resentment for her and I am assuming it comes from these two times....BUT on the other hand when my mom and dad finally divorced my dad came forward with admitting his affair that happened long before my moms affair and was w/her best friend and I hold no resentment towards him. He wasnt there for me ever, he was never a good dad, he was a jerk to everyone yet I dont hold resentment towards him. My mom grew up dealing w/being raped over and over and abused so I know she struggles w/life and I dont want to feel this way towards her especially cuz she is a good person (now). She now suffers from anxiety, depression, bipolar, has emphysema and COPD and I just constantly feel like I am her care taker and have been her parent throughout everything. She is super dramatic not even on purpose, I could tell her something as simple as I found 10.00 today and shes going to call up 5 people to tell them and add things to the story and make it huge when its not. She is aware I feel this way and we try to talk abt it a lot but I cant seem to get better....any suggestions?

 
mitchellb

Asked by mitchellb at 1:26 PM on Jun. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (4,346 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (5)
  • Mitchell, this was really hard to read on multiple levels.

    Frankly... counseling still needs to continue but you have good reason to never really lose the resentful feelings. Your caretaker position and her continued lying (exaggeration is lying) are exacerbating everything.

    You probably don't resent dad n part because you're not his caretaker, and I sense that you just don't identify with him that much.

    More counseling... and I think someone else needs to take the caretaker role.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:35 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Whenever I've needed to forgive someone, it has taken a long time to get over the feelings associated with the hurt and the disappoinment. The only thing that has ever worked for me is to, every time a thought of any of it pops into my mind, to say out loud, "I choose to forgive. I don't want to dwell on this any longer. I want this to be over for me." By consistently doing that, I have eventually been able to let it go. It may not work for you, but it would be worth trying. I think there's something about myself hearing me say it out loud that helps me.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:32 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • It may never go away, and I'm guessing its b/c she personally involved you in something so horrific. Sorry hun hugs.
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 1:45 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I'm no expert..all I have are my own dilemmas from my childhood. I had to forgive and get on with my life. My mother was abusive, locking me in attic, basement etc and beatings and holding me underwater in bathtub...lots of GARBAGE at 3,4,5+ that I remember, maybe before that I don't. . I just have to be as respectful as I can, (I cannot CHANGE the past) today and keep things on a polite level. That's all I can muster. Therapy and all that wouldn't work. I would be the only one going and I just don't feel like talking to a stranger asking me "and how do you feel about THAT" every topic isn't going to fix anything for me. So...I just avoid her calls alot, talk to her once or twice a month to keep things ok and continue on with MY life. BUT, that's just me. That may not work for you or anyone else. I don't feel that these feelings affect any other things in my life except my relationship with my mother.
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 1:47 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I think maybe your feelings stem from being abandoned by your mother at a time when you truly needed her the most. Knowing that someone that is supposed to care for and protect you put themselves first. Twice. Not to mention the affair! This isn't something you can just "shake off" as it a testament to the true fiber of her being. No matter how much she apologizes, or if she has genuinely changed now, that will always be etched in your memory.
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 10:32 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

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