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Is being brutally honest ever helpful?

My husband really upset me today, over something that has been a problem between us for 6 years. I've written him a very blunt, brutally honest letter about how I feel about it. It's accusatory and angry.

I have talked about this problem for 6 years. I have talked calmly, come up with solutions, cried, begged, yelled and talked some more. I have always ALWAYS tried to be gentle with his feelings before.

I'm worried that if he sees this letter it will hurt him. I'm worried that if he doesn't our marriage will continue to erode until there's nothing left. I already feel like there's no way he can ever meet my needs. I mean... it's been 6 years of me talking and him trying and it's gotten marginally better.

Could leaving this letter for him (we won't see each other until probably 7:00 tonight) be the shock he needs to understand how much this hurts me, or is it more likely to just hurt him? I NEED for him to REALLY understand this, and he doesn't seem to. Either that or he doesn't care, which is what I accused him of in the letter.

What would you do? Would you be brutally honest about how you feel or would you continue to sugar coat things to hurt him as little as possible?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:09 PM on Jun. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • It is really a hard one to give an answer on unless we know the subject at hand. I think there are times to go in either direction.

    Answer by Melbornj at 2:11 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I would be honest.. I wouldn't want to live unhappily with someone. Maybe things will get better with a little communication!

    Answer by SuperrMommyy at 2:11 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Men don't take hints well, mine doesn't at all. I just tell it how it is that way there is no miscommunication on either end.

    Answer by yesmaam at 2:12 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • DH and I are brutally honest with each other. Sometimes it does hurt, but I would prefer it blunt and to the point.

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 2:12 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Can be.. its hard to get through to people and if thats what you need to do thats fine

    Answer by Cass3108 at 2:12 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I found myself trying not to hurt mine's feelings and in the end i realized he just doesn't get it. i think being brutally honest is good, but i don't know if a letter is the best. it's better to be able to communicate, though if it's your last option, then you gotta do what you gotta do. of course to an extent i think it kinda depends what the issue is. for me it's the alcoholism that i try and try to say nicely, or help by doing various things, but i end up just being an enabler. he doesn't listen no matter what i say or how i say it. so good luck and hopefully you figure out what is best for you, not him.

    Answer by juliness at 2:14 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • It's over sex. He doesn't want it very often. I haven't felt like he really wanted me since I was 17 (6 years ago). I always initiate sex and for a long time he turned me down 90% of the time. It's gotten better, to where I only get turned down about 40% of the time, but he still never wants it of his own accord. I NEED to feel wanted, and I don't. We have talked and talked and talked about it, and he doesn't know why he never wants sex.

    This week, I've decided to be patient and wait for him to come to me. It's not a malicious thing, it's just that I want to feel wanted and I am willing to wait as long as it takes. It's been at least a week (I can't really remember for sure) since we last had sex. I get up this morning and he had not only been watching porn (which I am usually okay with), but he tried to hide it from me. That's why I'm upset... eh chose porn over me (again) and tried to hide it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:14 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Okay well that makes sense. I am all for honesty and sometimes the way you come across is whether the other person is going to go right on the defensive or not. It sounds like he will be defensive but if you have already tried the different avenues of communication then there really does not sounds like he is leaving you with many other routes. It sounds like your relationship and mine are reversed. I hope things work out for you. I am not sure if I would do it in a letter but if that is they only way that you can get it out there then I would go for it.

    Answer by Melbornj at 2:17 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Yes, truth brutal or not is always the best way to go.

    Answer by older at 2:23 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Well, I'm not sure what to tell you to do. If he is anything like me, brutal honesty is the only way to go. I don't do subtle hints, if you want something from me, just say it already! However, most other people I know want everything sugarcoated so it doesn't hurt their feelings. I guess I just have thicker skin than most.

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 2:23 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

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