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2 Bumps

Should I take my husband to court over the custody of my children (see details)? adult content

I separated from my husband of 17 years on the 31st of December. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I left because he is verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. He is also a registered offender, which I knew when we got married, but I truly believed it was statutory. I am not so sure now. He gravitates toward young females and has pictures(not of children) which concern me greatly in his possession and on his computer. He has never been able to keep a job; and usually does odd jobs but does not contribute anything to the care of our children. I pay for his cell phone and his computer so that he can keep in touch with our children. I moved from California to Arizona to be near my sister who has always been the one person I can count on. When I left, my husband drove us here of his own free will. I had made arrangements to have someone else help me, but he asked to do it so I let him. He has a very bad temper and flies into rages during which he has a tendency to break things in various ways including punching his fist into things such as windows. He has made no attempt to change or contribute to the care of our children. When I left he had one of my "friends" move in with him to help pay the rent. His electric bill is still in my name. I am afraid to call them and turn it off because I am afraid of his reaction. He at first said he was going to do all kinds of things to prove that we should be together, but he has done nothing that does not specifically benefit him. He said he wanted to come and take our children back to California with him for two weeks, but I have told him that is not an option. I told him that he could come here to visit them, but that I did not want him to take them there. After a few months of arguing, he has agreed to come here. He said that the moment he gets mad, that he will leave. He also has stated his desire to stay here a week and then take the boys back to California for a week. I told him that we would cross that bridge when we get there, but that at this point I did not want that to happen. Today he told me that he was coming at the end of July and then repeated his desire to take the boys for a week, I told him that I did not want that to happen and that even if I did that the boys started school the first week of August so it was not a good time anyway. He also told me that he did not want the boys to have ANY appointments while he was here. I told him that the boys had therapy every week and that if they abosolutley had to have a Dr.s appointment that they would have one. Our oldest son has just been diagnosed with four food allergies in addition to being bipolar, ADHD, and having an anxiety disorder in addition to other concerns. Our youngest son has ADHD and an anxiety disorder and many symptoms of being bipolar. I do not talk bad about my husband in front of my children. They are not aware of many of the negative things that my husband has done in the past or is doing now. He also smokes marajuana in the house which was origanlly rented in my name, but I did notify them that I moved; and they did not make him leave. The house is in a tract of low income houses and the neighbors are questionable. Since I left he has been "hanging" around a couple which he tells me are lesbians. My "friend" told me that they are bisexual and have sex in the bathroom at the house. They do not live there but they spend about two nights a week there. I could care less about there sexual orientation, my concern is there behavior. I admit I have some issues from being abused as a child including a lifelong struggle with depression for which I have been hospitalized on several occasions. I was in the hospital in April for three days, and my sister and her girlfriend took care of my children. My children want to see him, but they want him to come here. There whole demeanor is different than what it is before. I am so afraid that if I take him to court, that I will be forced to let him take the boys to visit. I would never keep him from seeing them, but I feel strongly that it needs to be where they are safe and feel comfortable. I am so unsure on what is the best thing to do. I am not sure that he will follow through on coming here; and he has threatened to take me to court. He says that I kidnapped the boys and that the fact that I have been in the hospital will be grounds for the boys being taken away from me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what is going to happen to my marriage although at this point I see no way we can be together. I am scared.

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mommyhelmic

Asked by mommyhelmic at 5:34 PM on Jun. 21, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 5 (84 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Go to the court and file for child support and establish custody, otherwise I think he can legally take them. Good Luck!
    damselphish

    Answer by damselphish at 5:40 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Yep go to court and unless there is already a court order signed giving visits I wouldnt allow any. He can leave with the kids like you did and not bring them back. You both have equal rights to them and it could get messy with jurisdiction issues. Turn off the lights, stop helping him. Its over. Let him fend for himself.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 5:46 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • If you let him have those kids, without a custody order, he can take them anywhere he wants to go and you can't do a darn thing to stop him. Do not let those kids out of your site. If he is hanging around people who display their "affection" for each other, no matter what their sexual orientation is, then it is not a good place for the children to be. If he has pictures on his computer that are child porn, you need to report this. It is taken very seriously. You can make a report to Missing and Exploited Children. If you allow those children with him knowing his background and that he is still doing stuff like that, YOU are going to be at fault because you did nothing to protect them.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 5:46 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • File for a "Decree of Separate Maintenance", which absolves you of ALL responsibility or liability for his monetary affairs.

    File for sole custody. Based on what you have said, you will get it without an issue. You can have an emergency hearing scheduled within 2 weeks from filing. Talk to your local Legal Aid office if you have questions.
    Just and FYI- he has the same legal right to take the children where he pleases and not return them. If you allow him access to the children, you may not get them back. If you do so and harm comes to them, you can also be charged. You are well within your legal rights not to allow visitation if you have concerns for their safety or wellbeing.

    Go to the police station or court house and speak with a Victim's Advocate about obtaining an Order of Protection.

    Were I you, I would all the power company this MINUTE and cut service..... cont
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 6:01 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • When you do so, go to the police department and inform them of the situation. Give them your name and address, tell them that you fear retaliation from him- if you do this, and he does, dispatch will send someone 10x faster if/when you do have to call 911.
    If he threatens you, the children, trespasses, etc. Call teh police, that is what they are there for. Make sure you FILE A REPORT. Document everything.

    As for the potential child porn issue.... Well, all you have to do is make an anon call to the local police non emergency line and ask to report a sex offender in possession of child pornography. It will take care of it's self from there.

    Were I you, I would not allow my children to be alone with him. Ever.


    3 years ago, I was in a very similar situation. You need help. Don't wait to get it, you deserve to get that boost in the right direction to help you focus your life again.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 6:06 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I sent my response to your inbox because my reply is sort of personal and long.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 6:42 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Go to court and get custody of the kids. I know what it's like to be afraid to do things because of how an ex might react, but it's for the best. My ex tried to physically take my child away from me and when the police showed up I let them see the custody papers (I have custody) and his butt went to jail for violating the custody arrangement. You need to do everything possible to protect your kids and yourself. I agree with ObbeyDobbie, great advice.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:43 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

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