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I do not feel connected with my child

My 6 almost 7 yr old and I are not very connected or bonded. We were very bonded when he was a toddler and a baby. He was always more of a daddies boy then my other two who where mommies boys. He is the oldest. He has become a very angry child. And I really do feel like its because we are not well connected. He sees how bonded and affectionate I am with the other two and he craves that. But then he always goes to his dad instead. I try, to be more affectionate with him, but then when I do he spends every second of his day on my heels constantly jumping on me an mauling me. I try to be patient, but he will start jumping on my back and last time he hurt me. When I make an effort he goes overboard, when I back off in effort to get him to back off, he get mean and angry...

What is wrong with me? Why am I able to find a healthy balance with my other two but not him? I love him, and it breaks my heart to see this constant struggle between the two of us. And I don't even know where it started, just seemed like one day he wanted dad and not me, and we grew apart and now I dont' know how to reconnect.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 7:58 PM on Jun. 21, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (6)
  • do you need more time just the two of you?? like quality time,..not somewhere or something that is busy, but how about a nice picnic at the park?? sometimes kids that age just kind of drift from their parents for a while...I did it with my we're very's stages, I think, just like everything else...just go with the flow, I say...suggest things to do. if he needs time to himself, then let him...he'll appreciate you for it.

    Answer by calliesmommie at 8:07 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • I don't know the answer but it sounds like the two of you could benefit from some counseling together.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 8:08 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • It's very difficult parenting when you have more than one child as there are always comparisons to be made! We think we parent the same with each child, but of course we don't as there are always new influencing factors. I formed an easy relationship with my first boy, but it wasn't so with my youngest - we seemed to bicker, irritate each other and I felt just like you feel now. I moved us into a better situ by finding a few pastimes that were just 'ours' - we bake, rent films and watch together snuggled up. We do art-work, sometimes lie on the bed together and read - now he's older (8.5) we still do but each read our own books. However, it's worth pointing out that we do still bicker - clash of personalities I think - but I feel ok about it now as I know we're forming a good foundation. I think the key is to try not to feel so worried/anxious as he may pick up on that, and try to set aside some alone time for you and he. I

    Answer by ItsHalfFull at 8:19 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • It may help him feel that although he's the oldest he is still allowed to have needs. It's hard work being the oldest child, with younger ones looking up to you how can you possibly need mom? Try not to reproach yourself - it's not your fault, we love our children and do our best, but at times there will be friction. I think my husband may need ear-plugs by the time my boy is a teen as I'm sure there will be fireworks!! Hth.

    Answer by ItsHalfFull at 8:23 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Can you spend some one on one time with him? Can you develop common interests? I think the oldest is a difficult position sometimes... my oldest is nine and will sometimes flat out tell me that I am easier on the two younger kids than I was on him. He is absolutely right sometimes. I didn't pick my battles as well with him- I was inexperienced too. I saw him as older than he was because there was someone younger than him who I also had to care for. I expected him to be the 'big brother'- I forgot that he was only two when he moved into that role, and only four when he moved into that role for a second time. My youngest is now four, and I still tend to treat her like the baby- because no one came along to bump her from that youngest position.
    I try to be honest with my son that sometimes I make mistakes, and sometimes things aren't fair. And I try to find things that we both enjoy.

    Answer by Freela at 11:09 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

  • Con't. I do think it's hard sometimes with more than one child, trying to juggle all the needs. I do find that now that my son is nine it's easier... there are things that we can do together by virtue of him being an 'older kid' now that help us to connect. He was sick a few weeks ago and while his sisters were at school we watched a movie that I thought was appropriate for him but not for his younger sisters... it was fun, I plan to do more of those kinds of 'big kid' things with just him in the near future. Maybe plan a special 'big kid' activity that you and your son do together on a regular basis- even something as simple as a movie or a game or something that it over the head of the younger siblings right now.

    Answer by Freela at 11:11 PM on Jun. 21, 2011

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