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Why is it when a question is asked by a step-parent....

Most reactions are "its not for you to deal with, you don't have the custody, your not the bio parent, let the parents deal with it" I'm sure there's more...you know I was raised with a step-father and I looked to him as my father he was the man of the house and it was respected.

With that being said I treat my ss as my own when it comes to his future, education,and all the teachings in his life. As I do exactly the same with my daughter.

His mother can't support him, does not make sure he is educated, can't even stay in a location long enough for him to make friends, although she loves him as she should that's not enough to raise a child.

Yes its my husbands son. But, I make all the final decision in my household, I am the one who supports our household, I handle the court business regarding my ss, and I don't get the people who say "step-parents don't have a say so" cause I do. So to all of you that seem to think that I am supposed to sit back and let the bio mother have all this say so in her sons life, obviously there is a reason as to why she doesn't have him and I am raising him with my husband.

I just think the simple answers would be the ones given to the questions. But the reality is I am the mother figure in my ss life and maybe some mothers can not accept the fact that there are women who can give birth but are unable to succeed at the duties that come along with the job of being a mother.

And for the lable of being the STEP-MOTHER...my ss got a step up from his bio mother and that's me. He love me as I do him. He is doing better than ever and he is truly happier than ever... in this household.

So to you all who think step-parents don't have a major role you might want to rethink it. I am thinking the ones who answer with those reactions I am speaking about are the ones who are in fear that someone could do a better job than them or maybe you just want that say so in the other parents life. Cause 50% of the time you aren't taking the best interest of the child its a control issue. With saying that...the other 50% are genuinely making good decisions for the child.

Not all step-parents are willing to take on the responsibility 100% as I have I'm not speaking for them....I get that. But my job as a parent is to be concerned with MY kids best interest. I stand tall for what I believe in and I believe in family and all of our futures...

 
rinamomof2

Asked by rinamomof2 at 1:21 PM on Jun. 22, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 21 (11,629 Credits)
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Answers (10)
  • You go girl!!!
    Butterfly1108

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 1:29 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • My step dad very much had a say in my life. I really truly believe that it should be a team effort to raise the family. The saying it takes a village to raise a child is true. If the step parents plays a role in their life then they should have a say. Especially in their home.
    Shaken1976

    Answer by Shaken1976 at 1:27 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • There are two very different kind of step-mothers.
    One kind takes the place of a missing or lacking parent.
    The other is in addition to an already responsible mother.

    It sounds like you are the first kind.
    Candi1024

    Answer by Candi1024 at 1:24 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • I'm not a step-parent, but I think your situation may be very unique in that your husband and the bio mom are both willing for you to play the role you do. Sad to say, but that is very often not the case.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:25 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • Actually I agree wholeheartedly with you. There are LOTS of Step parents in the same situation as you. Most of the people in my area are in the same boat.
    MrsLLove

    Answer by MrsLLove at 1:28 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • I am also a step-mom with a rather difficult bio mom. And my son has a step-mom that is great to him, treats him just as she does her younger two, discipline and all. I think the biggest issue with step-moms, are those who complain about their DH having to pay child support. And honestly unless your DH is incompetent it IS NOT your responsiblity or your place to "handle the court business" regarding your ss. As far as the courts are concerned you do not have a say so, legally. Kudos to you for being there for your ss and being a good mom that he needs. No, you are not supposed to just sit back, b/c you obviosly love him as your own and he loves you, but legally speaking that is not your place. A court cannot order YOU visitation or custody, only your husband. But just remember the court can say who the child can't be around or left alone with. I'd watch yourself, b/c that bio mom can try anything to get you out of
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 1:29 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • her sons life. She can make crap up and then your husband will have to fight it, even if she falisfy's complaints, it all has to be looked into where children are concerned. And trust me I know what you're going through, my husband finally got custody of his nine year old son after 7 long years of fight that crazy witch.
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 1:33 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • Wow, I am a step-parent to my DS and never have I felt as though I am not a major part of his life. Even his own evil mother at least gives me that respect. I do not take place of his mother, however, I am still a role-model and parent figure. I educate him, feed, clothe, discipline, and plan for his future as if he were my own.

    I also never had anyone on Cafe Mom disrespect me by saying I am not a parent to him.

    If anyone is disrespecting your role, then they either have no first hand experience or had a terrible experience, or just completely oblivious to the REAL world!
    superclutz

    Answer by superclutz at 1:33 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • My step dad is my dad. And I adore him. I'm sure you're a great stepmom :) ignore ignorant people, you are still part of that childs life. I appreciate my exs wifes input. Not always do him and i see the whole picture. Do I resent her? He cheated on me with her. I. Wasn't happy but he was the pig. She never knew about me either. Once people realize their kids are learning from their immaturity maybe they'll learn to respect (not always like) each other and their opinions. Good luck :)
    sugamama3

    Answer by sugamama3 at 1:34 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • You are a minority to wanting what is best for your ss. I believe that in your situation that you are doing what is best for the child and I commend you. My step mother was not like that. She looked out for the best interest for her. When my husband became a step father to my daughter we made decisions together. But, ultimately it was my decision in the end. When my ex gave up his rights and my hubby adopted my dd he was the father she needed and wanted. I think that people who say let the bio parents deal with it, don't want anything to do with said child. They would rather not get connected with the child. It is your house and you have the right to say what you feel about what is best for your ss. But, you also have to let his father fight for him in the courts with his ex. It is a fine line and it sucks. Keep the faith and being the best mom you can be, for him and your other child. Good luck.
    SweetPea726

    Answer by SweetPea726 at 1:31 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

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