Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

What do i say to her?

here is the story: my so has 2 bm's, bm 1 has a dd and bm 2 has a dd also. dd2 (age 8) lives with us dd1 (age 11) with her mom. the last time dd1 visited dd2 was mean to her she said some very hurtful things, but i didn't know about that dd1 never told me or her dad. she went home and told bm1. she calls cussing me and my so for not doing anything. she even said tat dd2 needs to be put in a home so she wont be in dd1's life because she dont want her around her daughter. all this time she still didn't say what dd2 said that was soo bad. she goes on to tell me how dd1 dont like me, which was news to me because she always tells me how she loves me and cant wait till the wedding in sept. well i informed her that dd1 never came to me, she said that she shouldn't have to... im like how the hell do i know there is a problem if she dont say anything. not even a month ago i talked to dd1 and told her that she needs to come to me when dd2 says or does mean things to her. (she has in the past) so i tell bm1 that and she asks dd1 if i ever told her that and she said yes and that the reason she didnt is because she forgot. apparently it didnt hurt her too bad if she forgot to tell me something that bm1 says was so traumatizing that cant be around her. finally i got her to tell me what was said, dd2 told dd1 that she was getting fat, which is not nice but is true since she cant fit in the close that we just bought 2months ago. now since i did tell her to come talk to me when dd2 is mean to her, bm1 told dd1 that she dont want to hear her whining about something she could have told me and did not.
dd1 called so last night and told him that she hates me and dont want us getting married. i think its because she was called out on trying to get her mom mad at dd2 for something that happened over here. when she didnt say anything here.
i have gone out of my way to do things with both girls now she is acting like this. what do i say to her when she comes back this weekend? do i just talk about how she has been told to say something when something happens, or do i bring up what she said about hating me when i have done everything in my power to help her and give to her spend time with her even when her mom wont. i really dont know what to say to her now, and she will be here in 2 days. what would you do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:17 PM on Jun. 22, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (5)
  • Let her dad talk to her. He should be backing you up and telling her that's no ok to say. When she apologizes tell her how much she hurt you and that you love her like your own and she can always come to you. I wouldn't confront her about it.

    Answer by sugamama3 at 2:22 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • my brain hurt a little to read this,LOL
    kids are matter which way ya turn em. Thier gonna say mean thing. bm called you because its her duty as her daughters mama to stick up for her kid and to take care of any problems her daughter brings to her.
    When dd comes back over, talk with her, thats all you can do really.Assure her that you love her no matter what.Tell both your dd's that. And move on from it, let it go. Sisters will fight...sisters will say mean things. Sisters will sometimes even get along :)
    Don't get a migraine over it.
    Good Luck.

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 2:40 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • Like Kimberlyinerea I had to struggle to get through this.

    I would sit all y'all down and have a heart to heart. Tell the 8 year old that what she said/did was mean, inappropriate and uncalled for. Tell the 11 year old that you cannot deal with stuff like that if you don't know it's going on. Let BOTH girls know you love them very much and that you will do your VERY BEST to keep them safe, but you NEED to know when things are out of kilter.

    Then, I would just let it all go.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 2:50 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • Take a deep breath and just try to be nice. Sometimes girls talk with their mom and BMs blow things out of proportion. It sounds like she had some complaints and the BM was quick to get upset.

    I have raised my DSD since she was 6 (been in her life since she was a baby.) I try to do alot with her and let her know that I am there if she needs me. Since she hit her tween years, she is hot and cold with emotions. Sometimes when she comes back from her BM's house she is much more jaded by her mom's negitive feelings toward us. I never talk bad about her mom, try and show her that I am the same person that I always was, and that I will always be there for her. As long as I am consistant she gets out of the rut. She may go back and forth with you over the years. i don't know any kid that loved their parents all the time and being a SM is even harder. Good luck!

    Answer by Quinn525 at 3:07 PM on Jun. 22, 2011

  • Rosehawk has the closest thing to an answer.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 4:35 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.