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4 Bumps

Help me, understand

I asked a question a few days ago about my husband's ex putting up photo's of them all over each other.. we are friends wih this girl and it has been over ten years since they dated.. I do not know if they hooked up after the split or not but they have been "the bestest of friends" for the past ten years... when we started dating.. I definitely understood being friends with an ex..since if i had the chance to be friends with my first love i would be.. BUT i did not know that every story would have her in it.. the timelines of his life would be ..before her...during her.. or after her... and I did not expect that he would stand beside her more than he does me. For example.... at the end of last year his cousin pretty much cussed us all out and said some horrible things to all of us... and guess what.. he went on for a llooooooong time about not disrespecting his friends bc they are like family to him and then hte LAST sentence was about disrespecting me.. his wife. WELL a few days after she put the pictures up..she put up comments like... you have NO IDEA what happened behind these walls lol :) (the previous msg was about hand holding and smooching.., and my husband was the manager of the place) and also... i miss "us" <3 ... and yea he (my husband) was like she's alll MINE. I mean it is one thing to know you guys were a couple and its another to hear or see you talk about you two sleeping together and how you miss "us".... so He sent her a text saying he feels that it may be a bit disrespectful to their spouses... and she got a little pissy and was like... if our semi friendship is getting in the way of your marriage maybe I should just step back until your situation gets better.. REALLY? we are friends and i have even invited you to our house to stay..which you did.. its not your friendship its your comments!! well the last msg he sends her says... I'm sorry there are just thigngs happening outside of me right now. I wish everyone was cool all the time ... I''ll be fine and you'll be fine. That one was for you. ......... what the heck? When i said something to you about it you didnt apologize to me for her putting the comments up but you say sorry to her because i have a problem with them and I am not cool because i do have a problem with her saying the things she did or becuase i know there was a past.. but leave the shit in the past.. and you two will be fine ..so i guess that means regardless..we will be friends and we will be fine even if it splits up my marriage? forget about my wife.. and what the hell was for her??????? and he talks about respect.... that is NOT respect for me or standing by me.. that is respecting her and standing by her.. and he got mad when I asked him if there was ANY feelings left for her that would make him think about getting back with her bc apparently they are like sister/brother and that is disgusting,.... REALLY bc you slept with her for 4 years.. i dont see sister/brother relationships that way. I can not decide if I should say something or if he was just be friendly.. but the way I am taking it is as I stated earlier... should i try to look at this another way? if so please tell me because I do not want to leave my husband.. he is a good man and he has stuck by me through a LOT of thick this past year... but I do not want to feel that I am not as important as his high school sweetheart... HELP me please.

Answer Question
 
Ross2010

Asked by Ross2010 at 10:18 AM on Jun. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (4,420 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • I dunno about this! This is a weird messed up situation. I give you credit for letting him be THIS close to his EX! She is obviously up to something! Does SHE has another signifficant other now? Or is she single? He should deff stand up for himself and insist she take the pictures down or the friendship is over!
    stepmom2B29

    Answer by stepmom2B29 at 10:22 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • *hug*
    sugamama3

    Answer by sugamama3 at 10:23 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • she is married but has been talking about leaving her husband for close to a year now... and she took down the pictures of JUST them but still have pictures of them with other people.. and some of the comments are still up..
    Ross2010

    Comment by Ross2010 (original poster) at 10:25 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • and this is why i dont think spouse should be friends with people they've slept with in the past.....honestly your hubby needs to step away from this woman and show you the respect and compassion he has been showing her.....but there are always two sides to everything so maybe counseling for both of you would be a good idea.....

    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 10:25 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • You need to have HIM read the above paragraph. Until he does read it, no one can help you here. You are NOT incorrect; he is devaluing you and he needs to step back from the friendship.

    And I'm not one to say men shouldn't have female friends. I give a LOT of leeway. Your husband has crossed the line and probably doens't even realize it. He meeds to read what you've written.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:25 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • If I were you I would sit down with him and explain that you dont feel respected because of the messages under the pictures. I would also tell him that he is putting you last and his relationship with his ex first which is not right. IF it doesnt work then tell him to make changes because you love him and dont want to leave him.
    shelle21

    Answer by shelle21 at 10:26 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I'd let it go. He knows how you feel so there isn't much more to say. Don't upset him to where he turns from you (maybe to her to complain). He's with you. That should be enough.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:35 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I think its important for both of you to set boundaries and share them with each other. It is possible they mean for their "friendship" to be nothing more than a friendship, but there should still be boundaries. Honestly I would be grossed out if my ex whom I was with for 8 years and my son's father put pics anywhere of us, same for my DH...I have seen pics of him and his ex but they went in the trash, partly b/c of a nasty break up, but who wants to remember an "us" especially when they are remarried? To me that's wrong. You need to lay down the law momma!!
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 10:36 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I completely agree with yesmaam!!!! He is totally babying his relationship with her and not thinking about his wife. That is so wrong of him. He needs to step back and re-evaluate his relationships and what they mean to him.He's lucky you let that woman stay at your house!
    CollinsMommy729

    Answer by CollinsMommy729 at 10:41 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I feel for you on this. More than I can really say. I guess ask him straight out...is your "friendship" with her more important to you than your marriage with me? Because if the two of you dont get a grip on this now, it will get worse and ruin you. My DH's ex has pics and videos up of her and my husband...but he hates it. There's nothing we can do to control her and if she is that pathetic...so be it. BUT, it sounds like your DH LIKES the fact that "their" pics are up and even comments on them...and calls her HIS!?!??!!!!???? Nope, I'd be all over his ass, and done.
    mlmkjw

    Answer by mlmkjw at 10:43 AM on Jun. 23, 2011

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