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6 Bumps

How do I get over this guilt and anguish? adult content

I have been crying for several days straight now. Ten years ago (when I was VERY young) I was 5 months pregnant and got into a car accident. The next night I started to bleed, I went to the hospital where I was told I was having a miscarriage. They gave me the option of going home to complete the process or have a DNC there. They explained to me that a DNC was much like an abortion and that made me decide to choose the other option, however, no one prepared me for what I was about to experience. I went home and went through 14 hours of pure pain and labor. I was bleeding so much and I was alone so I spent that whole time on the toilet. Long story short I had the baby and then I flushed the toilet. At the time I wasn't thinking and didn't really know that I had options or could have done something differently but now that I am older and I have begun working in a mortuary I realze and know that I SHOULD HAVE held that baby and honored that baby in a much more dignified and respectful way. I can't sleep now and I have horrible visions and I just feel so very sad and guilty. I am so sorry for what I did but I don't know how to forgive myself or even if I deserve to be forgiven for doing that!!

 
Liz30355

Asked by Liz30355 at 6:06 PM on Jun. 23, 2011 in Pregnancy

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Answers (10)
  • This is EXACTLY why I hate modern medicine. Because they will not tell you everything that you need to know, only the things they think are benefits to you. Listen, you didn't know. There was no one there to guide you through it. If you would have had the D & C they would have thrown that baby in the medical waste and you would be feeling the same way right now. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but I do know this, you did not do it to benefit yourself. You did not know. Sit and write a letter to that baby and apologize. Write down all of your feelings. And then burn the paper. You need to let it go or it will eat you alive. That baby is in Heaven and you will see it again. See about some grief counseling. I will keep you in my prayers. But please stop blaming yourself. Forgive yourself.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 3:37 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I would really suggest some grief counseling! You need a professional to talk to about the hurt that your feeling. It's not your fault and the Hospital should not of sent you home! They should of just done a DNC and let you move on with your life! There is nothing horrible about what you did it is the same with us that have had a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. Talk to a counselor and see if you can find some peace!! Praying for you!
    dan4heather

    Answer by dan4heather at 6:18 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • im sorry for your loss. when i lost my baby i called my dr he told me to bring it to the er when i came. i dont know what happened to it, i was not able to bury it or anything. as far as i know they disposed of it or its in some lab. its so sad, i will never know what was done.

    esmith1984

    Answer by esmith1984 at 6:20 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I agree with dan4heather. I would strongly suggest some grief counseling. You are experiencing a lot of delayed regret and depression that needs to be addressed but not alone. I will say this,YOU can't change the past; you can only accept what happened at the time. I understand the hurt, but you made a decision, as we all do, and hindsight is 20/20. We never know down the road what or how we will feel and if we would feel differently.You can only deal with the pain and anguish you are experiencing now, and I am sure you are a different person and would do things totally different now, if given the chance. When we are young, we make decisions at the time that may not necessarily be the best decision. However, life teaches you things you never thought about, which is why most people would prefer to start out older, and get younger...we know SO much more! But that is what life is...a lesson! It isn't a sprint, it is a marathon!
    Lynda-Lou

    Answer by Lynda-Lou at 6:29 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I agree with grief counseling.
    pookiekins34

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 6:47 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • Don't beat yourself up over it because it was a long time ago and you were probably not thinking clearly. It might help you feel better and ease your conscience if you do something to honor the child that you lost. Maybe try having a brief memorial ceremony to honor the child you lost and give you some closure.
    amandajoy21

    Answer by amandajoy21 at 7:38 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • dont beat your self up..there is no way you could have known wat to do..your new job has shown you..the doc should have told you wat to expect if you went on home and you should look in to greif counceling..good luck and dont beat ur self up
    rachel216

    Answer by rachel216 at 9:31 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • Thank you everyone, I guess deep down I know all of that. I know that had I known now what I do, the outcome would have been totally different. For the most part I am angry and feel very helpless. I can't tell you how badly I wish I could hold that baby right now and that is the hardest, not being able to do with that child the proper thing. What ultimately ended up happening to that baby is what kills me. I have 4 other children who I would die for, who are the center of my universe and everytime I look at my 11 month old now I just think "how could you do such a thing, that was your CHILD and you just flushed it like it was waste and not your flesh and blood" I feel so ashamed. I hope anyone who reads this and god forbid ever goes through a similar situation that they know that the baby, regardless of whether or not it was fully developed was still your baby and you have every right to give that baby a proper disposition.
    Liz30355

    Comment by Liz30355 (original poster) at 10:02 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • Why don't you have a formal funeral for the baby. Get a sweet little casket, talk to a pastor or funeral director, and give the baby the dignified and proper burial you wish you had had the presence of mind to do before. You don't have to have a body to have a funeral. I think this might help you feel a lot better.
    GrammytoTrin

    Answer by GrammytoTrin at 2:04 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I have decided to go seek some grief counseling and I am going to buy a nice cross pendant that I will never take off and have it engraved. I just can't decide if I have the date that I lost the baby engraved on it or what would have been the due date? And again thank you for all your kind words and suggestions. I still haven't been able to stop crying but I know that will come with time.
    Liz30355

    Comment by Liz30355 (original poster) at 5:19 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

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