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Mixed emotions

My 13 year old ds just started asking serious questions about his dad (he's been out of the picture for 13 years..left me when I was pregnant with ds and I haven't heard from him since) not just questions like where is he, he stopped asking those long ago, but serious questions like his address/phone number. I could give him his name and last known address/phone number but I'm afraid my ds will just be disappointed. I know he should at least have the chance to know his father but I'm not sure he's ready to handle this. I feel like I'm asking a kid to deal with an adult situation. Not only that, but I'm not sure he could handle the disappointment if he were to actually contact his father and if his father were to reject him (again). I feel like I should wait til he's 18 to give him the info he's lookin for but what if my ds resents me for waiting so long? Just don't know how to handle this one..

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Asked by devsmom98 at 9:32 PM on Jun. 23, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 12 (666 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • This is a hard one. If it were me I would talk to him. Without saying anything bad about his dad, I would explain exactly what my fears are. And then I would give him the contact information. Then if he does contact his dad and get rejected, I would be there to sympathize.

    Answer by onethentwins at 9:38 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • I think he is to young to understand the hurt your ex could cause. If he does contact your ex and the ex is open to the idea of meeting your son, is the ex someone YOU want involved in your sons life. Would he be a good mentor(probably not) . If he rejects your son it will just add to the pain he is already feeling not to mention he is just starting his teens and there is a lot of puberty left to handle. IMHO you should tell your son you will discuss it with him at 18 and possibly go to family therapy a couple times to help him understand that your ex is the reject not him. BTW I have been the situation myself.


    Answer by Andreamarie76 at 9:45 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • He is NOT too young to understand the hurt that his father caused, HE is feeling that same hurt. I know, my son has felt the hurt of his father not being in his life for years. He is 14, almost 15 now. He met his half brother and father a couple years ago and asked me, "why does my father love Cody and not me?That hurts so much I will not speak to him, ever." Kids, especially teens, understand a whole lot more than adults give them credit for. Sit down and talk to your son, be open and honest. Ask him how he would feel if his father rejected him, again. Ask him why he wants to know about his father. Ask him if he would rather wait until he was 18 or if he would like you to contact his father first and see what his feelings are. He has a right to know where he came from, who his father is. Give him the chance to show you what he can handle. Either you help him or he will figure it out on his own.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:56 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • Tell him that his dads behavior is not personal and has nothing to do with him, but your son has a right to the info.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 3:27 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • Great answer tyfry.

    Answer by onethentwins at 5:04 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I totally did the same thing, girls hadn't seen their biological father in almost 8 years, then when they extended inquiries for contact, he responded and has tried to make an effort for the last year. He can't fix the choices he made, he can only go forward from here, but at least discussing the possible scenarios gave them an idea of what might happen.

    Answer by terirose22 at 4:37 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

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