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Have my own ideas, but need other ideas to compromise with bf whose living with me

my needs: him to move out so i have my space
his needs: a secure place to live with cheap rent (which is my place at only $150 a month)
our needs are opposite how do i compromise
i said move out after summer, he said he doesn't have the funds too, he will need more time
so to compromise, i said ok move out after fall then we will live in our own separate place after that. we still want to be together, but are unhappy living together in this one bedroom of a 5 bedroom house at my dads
he has a part time job and is going to school full time. hes so busy he doesnt have time to even do laundry or clean up after his messes
i go to school full time and am looking for a job...but i dont have to pay rent so its not as crucial for me to have an income
i do his laundry since it won't get done if i don't and since i don't have a job..it's my contribution
he has no where else to go other than san diego which means he would have to get a new job which is hard to find and enroll in a new school when he just started summer school here and already has his schedule set up for him here for the fall. i dont want to take those thing away from him, it would set him more behind
he went 10 miles an hour at age 20-25 now he's going 100 miles an hour to catch up. this was his way of putting it. that's fine and all, except now im paying for it. how else can we compromise so that i dont have a messy room (so i can concentrate for school) and so he has a cheap place to live (cheap enough so he wont have to work full time to pay the rent so he can finish school)
any ideas?

Answer Question
 
lizzybee44

Asked by lizzybee44 at 10:06 PM on Jun. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,681 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • all the other rooms are occupied, im just explaining its smaller than a one bedroom apartment
    lizzybee44

    Comment by lizzybee44 (original poster) at 10:11 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • Sounds like he doesn't want to make an effort. I work full-time, go to school sometimes full-time and sometimes part-time, take care of 2kids, 1 husband, 4 pets, and the house. Did I mention that my son has autism? Perhaps this is his young age and an inability to use time efficiently. Maybe he just needs to be more organized. If i were in your situation, my compromise would be that he could stay there, but only if was able to get more organized. You could also go to the library if your big issue is just that you need somewhere to study/do homework. How will he accomplish the responsibilities your are now taking care of if he is living elsewhere? I bet he would have to find time to do them in his new home.
    momofkids

    Answer by momofkids at 10:14 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • when he had his own place, it was immaculate. i admired that. now its different. i have ocd tendencies. the two of us are just different. my expectations have been lowered to almost nothing. im lacking my need for cleanliness/oder. im the organized one, he's a tornado and he admits it. if ever we argue, that's all its ever about. we've discussed it without arguing also, but still nothing changes (been a year and a half now since he lived here)
    im tired of tryng to change this, i just want to accept it (but how?)
    and why if it's ruining my mood
    lizzybee44

    Comment by lizzybee44 (original poster) at 10:33 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • Your going to have to lay down the law, and there have to be consequences. There is no reason that he can't keep his own things picked up and put away especially in a place that small. He sounds allot like my 15 year old daughter. If he wants to act 15 you may have to treat him like he is 15.

    It may also be that he is right brained and so what makes sense to you dose not to him. Try setting up a chart for cleaning who dose what what days. If you use an eraser board he can check things off as he finishes them. i.e. made the bed check, picked up dirty clothes check. This help to give him a sense of completion each day as he checks things off and he sees the to do list shrinking, it will motivate him to keep going. It will also break things down for him so that he feels less over whelmed, and before he knows it he is done.

    Then dedicate time for you and only you everyday.
    RozeStudios

    Answer by RozeStudios at 10:44 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • It doesn't sound like you want this man for a husband. So give him 90 day notice and let him go.
    isabellalecour

    Answer by isabellalecour at 10:50 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • i did give a notice, and he will move and won't budge on that. but we will remain together since we've been thru way more than just this, also the grass isn't greener on the other side
    lizzybee44

    Comment by lizzybee44 (original poster) at 10:58 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • this is silly but i was also thinking of drawing arrows like this on cardboard so i wont have to nag whatever it points to means "time to do this"

    lizzybee44

    Comment by lizzybee44 (original poster) at 11:00 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • tried the checklist idea...didn't work..will try it again for sure.

    i forgot to mention the first 2 years we were dating we had separate places and his place was always immaculate
    lizzybee44

    Comment by lizzybee44 (original poster) at 11:03 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • Grass isn't greener but incompatibly is still incompatibly. No need to hold on to him as a security blanket because you don't want to look. If you can not figure out a way to make this work in a single bedroom, I have doubts you will be able to handle marriage to him in a place together no matter the size of the rooms. He just might be that one guy who is best as a friend with benefits, not boyfriend and not marriage material.
    isabellalecour

    Answer by isabellalecour at 11:07 PM on Jun. 23, 2011

  • i dont have doubts, thanks tho
    lizzybee44

    Comment by lizzybee44 (original poster) at 5:25 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

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