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3 Bumps

How can I help him?

Ladies how do you deal or cope with the love of your life not being able to accept that he is no longer your #1 because you now have a helpless little life that depends on you 100%?

DH and I have been married for 7 years and recently at the age of 27 and 29 welcomed our first child 3 months ago.. everything has gone down hill! Dh has now started going back to the bar, being lost in video games, chat rooms and has a million excuses why he can't or won't help around the house or why he has to go "help" so and so with this or that.

Yes, before our daughter was born we were very active, we went out, we would visit the local dance club and people watch, we did things with no plan or reason.. but you can't just drop everything after a baby, you need a plan for what you will be doing with your child, whether it be a babysitter or just a short night out.. being a parent you can't stay out until 3am and expect to function 100% in the morning to take care of a child!

How can I help him, I don't want a divorce and I have suggested he talk to someone about his issues but he refuses. Our weekend away did little because although the weekend was great, he fell back into the same pattern as soon as we brought our daughter home. I love my husband and have somehow managed to keep our sex life as active as before our daughter was born but I need help before this wrecks our marriage!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:57 AM on Jun. 24, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • My ex-husband was all gung-ho until our son arrived. It seemed like his mere presence was annoying to my ex at times. He would anger too easily at stupid things, and direct it toward our child. As soon as we arrived home from the hospital, he said he would have a vasectomy and that was a slap in the face since we had already said we wanted at least 2 children. He was good in household things, chores - etc. Taking care of our son, he was impatient as all hell and he would roll his eyes and say 'O----kay' if I asked him to do something. He never once trimmed nails, cleaned ears and hated doing baths. It's too much of a chore for him I guess. He once admitted at least 80% of my son's care was all me...damn right it was, I am glad he knew it though because I didn't think he did. Once we divorced, he retracted that statement of course. I just couldn't take his treatment anymore and he's a better father since the divorce.
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 9:38 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • 1. You guys had a baby during your party phase that he obviously has not outgrown. What did you expect? You both should have been ready to pretty much stop that phase before a baby gets here.
    2. Have you thought about finding things to do you can bring a baby with you? Bowling, yep they can sleep in the stroller. Movies, yep going during naptime or the 7 o'clock movie. Our daughter always fell asleep before the movie even started. Actually dh loved it because it was the few times she preferred cuddling with him over me. Miniature golf, snugli. Farmer's Market, stroller. You guys need to find ways to be a family and do things together as a family.
    3. Women change when they're pregnant and are ready for the responsibility of a child. Men don't understand it and probably never will. He saw you go through the changes but he didn't actually do it. Maybe you should plan grocery trips and leave the baby home with daddy.
    marine_wife0520

    Answer by marine_wife0520 at 9:00 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • He's probably just having a hard time coping with the idea of having a child & not being able to do whatever he wants when he wants. Maybe once she gets older & is able to offer him more back (like playing with him and trying to talk to him) he will be beter ? A lot of men don't have that bond with babies even their own babies like women do. They don't get it. I say just give him time and see what happens. Be open with him tho and voice this feelings you are having about this. You can't force him to be around, but maybe you can say something that will trigger those feelings so he will want to be around ? Being supportive is the best thing to do right now, so he doesn't feel alone. I'd also maybe plan date nights and stuff. The fact that you kept your sex life the same is a very good thing. Keep that up, lol Good Luck, Hun. Give it time, it will work out.
    loudnproud87

    Answer by loudnproud87 at 8:07 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I bet you are stressed out worrying about him and the new baby. I had a baby with a guy I dated 3 weeks and we met at a bar. I served him his hamburgers, fries and shinerbock for a year prior to our first date. Our daughter is 6 months old, but we have our regular places we hang out that are still baby friendly and I call up all his friends when we go. Also, force him to bond more with the baby. I made my SO feed her bottles once a day and put her to sleep once a day starting at 1 month old.
    Gingerwheel

    Answer by Gingerwheel at 9:24 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I have to agree with marine_wife0520...sounds like he was not ready for real life with the responsibilty of another new human being.
    He better get in gear! It's true--you do not have to leave the baby at home or with a sitter ...do things where you can take baby. I couldn't say it any better. He just isn't grown up yet and now you have two babies to deal with.
    It's time to sit down and really talk this out. He has got to face reality and face up to being a father and acting like a father who loves and wants to be there for his precious helpless little child. She needs him TOO!!! He sounds selfish and spoiled and is leaving all the responsibilty of the baby on you. If he won't talk (refuses to absolutely) then kick his butt out, maybe that will wake him up! He has to change...you can't force him to change unless he wants too. I'm sorry you're going through this. What a letdown!
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 9:24 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • My husband was not ready. I had to leave and get divorced. Sorry.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 9:26 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • People who start their families after being together for so long tend to find it harder because they were so used to the way things were. This party phase is ridiculous. If you haven't grown up by the time you are able to fight for your country, sign a contract and consume alcohol legally, then people aren't going to grow up. I'm sorry the baby is causing that much stress in your lives. Society has changed and people are finding out the hard way that it isn't always for the best.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 9:31 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • Find a professional life therapist and ask him to sign up with you.
    Happypancake

    Answer by Happypancake at 9:39 AM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I'm going to make a radical suggestion: take a vacation. You. By yourself. Leave him with your daughter so that he can actually see all of the things that are required in regard to having a baby. Leave him a list of things that need to be done, but don't make it too easy on him. Have your phone with you for emergencies, but don't answer it when he calls. Let him leave a message and then you'll know if he just doesn't know where the laundry is or if you need to actually come home. Make it for at least 2 days in a row.

    Not only will you get a much needed break, he'll actually get to feel the weight of his responsibility. It doesn't matter what you do - just go relax at an inexensive hotel with a handful of good novels! It will be eye-opening for him and should get him on-board with needing to be there for his new daughter and the new mother in the house.
    Dr.Donna

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 9:41 AM on Jun. 24, 2011