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2 Bumps

Whine whine whine... with a little whine ont he side for good measure!

DO you kids whine all the time? Can have some water? (they have access to water bottles 24/7) Can I have a snack? I'm tired of the music can we turn on the tv? I hate playing outside! I don't want to play in my room! I don't want to color/read books/play a game! Can we watch a movie? Can we go to McDonald's for dinner? When are we leaving for a vacation? (2 days) How come we can't go today? Why do we have to stay home today? (We have no car when DH is at work!) The cat won't chase me. (?) Can I play a video game? Is it time for dinner? What are we having? I hate that kind of food! She is touching me. She looked at me. She won't play what I want to play...

OMG DO they have a mute button somewhere?

Answer Question
 
But_Mommie

Asked by But_Mommie at 2:04 PM on Jun. 24, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 44 (181,635 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • If you find that mute button you best let me know where it is. It started raining here so we can not go outside. The whining is in full force.
    pookiekins34

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 2:06 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • My kids aparently hate life it's self today... Nothing I offer is good enough so I give up. I am not the entertainment committee.
    But_Mommie

    Comment by But_Mommie (original poster) at 2:08 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • Just close your eyes and dream of that vacation you have coming up. Or lock yourself in the bathroom with ear plugs.
    pookiekins34

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 2:09 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • My daughter does this. She drives me crazy.
    mompam

    Answer by mompam at 2:17 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • I get it too. Its expected with the toddlers. I just sternly repeat what I said until they give up and do what I told them. With the 9yo we are working on his attitude. I tell him "you're old enough that your wants wont hurt you" and "life is not about getting what you want. Its about wanting what you've allready got". Sometimes this doesnt work and I have to work the attitude out of him. Weeding the garden usually gets my point across. I tell him "I dont want to be around you if you are going to have a bad attitude. I will come back in 10min. and if your attitude has improved I will help you" This has worked every time so far! I come back and he is a whole new kid!
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 3:14 PM on Jun. 24, 2011

  • LOL! Are you just looking for people to commiserate or do you want any suggestions?

    My toddlers (I have twins who will be 3 next month) aren't relentless about whining except for fussiness at vulnerable times (over-tired, hungry) but there are times when I can't accommodate something that they want (usually if they want to be picked up when I'm in the middle of doing something cooking related that takes 2 hands) and they will tend to fuss, which might be whining?
    My older one (age 7) doesn't whine a lot but she has gone through phases. She's very self-directed & engaged in her projects, but even so I've heard her complain about "being bored" or "nothing to do," & I remember she had a low point on Christmas Day (she'd been so happy to have everyone open her gifts to us, & she was happy & involved in play most of the day, but then she was upset about a particular gift she'd hoped for but hadn't received & she aired complaints
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:54 AM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • (cont)
    in a pretty petulant way that had me thinking words like "ungrateful," "demanding," "entitled," "obnoxious." The thing she was talking about was an Am. Girl doll that was being "archived" (so you wouldn't be able to buy her new, anymore), and to my way of thinking she knew she wasn't going to collect every single one that she "liked," plus she had been having fun all day so why was this suddenly a "bad" Christmas, etc.
    The thing I was going to say here (in terms of "suggestions" for whining) is that "reflective listening" rather than engaging the validity of the claim, complaint or request (while whining) is very helpful for me in reducing the frustration that results in persistent whining. The Christmas thing (like whining in general) was very triggering & I had a lot of "stuff" going on inside in response, but I was able to hang on & simply employ active listening at the time without airing any of my rebuttals, & she
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:05 AM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • (cont)
    was able to process & resolve her feelings without any input or advice from me. We went on to cut out more paper snowflakes for our windows & had a memorable time on the rest of our (admittedly simple & low-key) Christmas. I didn't make her "wrong" for her feelings & she didn't get stuck in them, or keep finding other things to be upset about (which is another way of being stuck.)
    "Reflective listening" is hearing & reflecting back the kid's reality in your own words without engaging it on the level of whether or not it's valid, so it wouldn't include rebuttals, explanations, or reasoning. You also don't take over the kid's problem (offering solutions); you just focus on really "getting" it. It's not "I understand that you really want X but we can't because..." The "but" in there is the explanation of why they "shouldn't" be frustrated, & so it's a negation. When you reflect you are accepting their feelings as they are.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:12 AM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • (cont)
    A good rule of thumb is whatever you resist, you get more of. That's because resistance triggers counter-resistance, because it is invalidating. When we resist, we suggest that someone is wrong for how they feel & what they think (that results in the feelings) & even in what they want. When someone feels invalidated, they are triggered to defend their validity & the tend to get (defensively) hung up on behaviors that you are resisting. You don't have to LIKE what they are saying/how they're being, but just accept or allow it. After all, it's happening. The moment is as it is. Feeling convinced that they "shouldn't" is pretty meaningless. Accepting what is doesn't mean encouraging it or "settling" for it; it means not resisting it.
    Reflecting feelings really just gives acknowledgment or ALLOWS. It gives space. It permits instead of arguing or being irritable, i.e. resisting. I don't think my kids are "special" or "easy,"
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:18 AM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • (cont)
    I think they simply don't have to defend the validity of their feelings, so they move through them instead of getting stuck in patterns that we find irritating. (If I am over-stressed & very triggered, I see the result & the change in my kids.)
    I have a habit of listening reflectively & I really think it is the key, because the kids feel more validated & less agitated (which is how they feel when they whine. Think about what WE are feeling when WE whine about whining!) Frustration & agitation fuel these behaviors. It's annoying to have someone negating you, or debating with your feelings, explaining why they aren't right or logical, etc. We routinely set our kids up for this annoyance with our habitual responses!
    Reflecting validates because it ALLOWS, but validating doesn't mean agreeing--it just means seeing how it makes sense from their point of view to feel that way.
    So...think of providing simple acknowledgment.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:27 AM on Jun. 26, 2011

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