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2 Bumps

Am I out of line to be upset that my husband is spending the weekend with his ex and his children while taking his son to college orientation for parents? adult content

I am very happy to have a husband who maintains a very good relationship with his ex-wife. She and I are cordial, and I have no concerns about my husband and her having an inappropriate relationship; however, the trip to my stepson's college orientation for parents unexpectedly turned into a trip that has become their "family" weekend. At the time I agreed that it was fine for them to take this trip, the ex was married, and the trip was going to be she and her husband, my husband and stepson. Between the time I agreed to this, and the trip that was actually taken this past Thursday (my husband had originally invited me, but I have started a new job and did not want to ask for two days off), his ex-wife and her husband have separated and are filing for divorce, and my husband forgot to mention that his three teenaged daughters decided to join them for the weekend. So, late Wednesday evening, before they left early Thurs. morning, I find out that my husband, his ex-wife, and all four children, are taking one car up to the university, and that while he and his ex are in parent orientation all day Friday, they are taking part of Saturday to spend the day having brunch, swimming, and taking it easy before returning home late Saturday night. I felt caught by surprise by all of this, and did not realize until they had all left on the trip that I am quite angry. My husband believes I am being jealous, while I believe my anger is that he seems unaware his girls might wish the family could all be together again, as they are this weekend. I have worked very hard to have a good relationship with his girls, but it has been difficult every step of the way for the past 5 years (not so with his son, with whom I have a very close friendship), and his daughters talk about him leaving the family and his need to return to them. This weekend seems to feed into those feelings, and I don't know if he understands that. I find myself wondering if I am being jealous and petty, or if there is legitimate reason to feel marginalized here.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:24 AM on Jun. 25, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I don't think you're being jealous. It's an unusual situation. But as a child of divorced parents, I do think it could be a good thing for all of them to have a trip together.

    You aren't going anywhere. Your husband isn't going to forget what you two have together. Just breathe, sit with your feelings, and feel yourself move through them as your fears do not come true. Everything will turn out fine. You can be uncomfortable with this (who wouldn't be?) but don't feel like you need to stop it from happening. If there's anything fishy going on, trust that your husband will handle it, while honoring and respecting you and your marriage.

    If you think it would make you feel better, make sure you outline what you expect his behavior to be, make sure he knows what would make you uncomfortable, and let him know you trust him to handle the situation and continue to honor your marriage.

    Good luck girl.
    kidnappedbylove

    Answer by kidnappedbylove at 3:47 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • They are co-parents, and always will be. This is something I think people take too lightly, and lump it together with "baby mama drama". That woman will be at his son's college graduation, his wedding, the birth of your step-grandchildren, every family function between now and the step-grand-children's weddings... Just because people split up or get divorced does not mean the end when there are children involved.

    I think "family weekend" may sound great now, but being in close proximity to her for a weekend will probably remind him of all the reasons they split to begin with. Try not to worry, you might start an argument where there is really no need to be one.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:43 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • i think allowing him to do this without a neg word about it from you would be the best love present and he will come back from it all loving you more for understanding
    lizzybee44

    Answer by lizzybee44 at 3:02 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Sounds like your jealous. Don't be if he wanted to be with his ex he would be. He started a family with his ex they will always be in each others lives. You could have gone on the trip but made the choice not to. Don't be mad at him now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:28 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Just let it flow soon he will be home with you.
    I can see how this makes you feel I definitely would be jealous but he is the father of his kids it sucks but it has to be this way for now. This is what happens when we chose a man with kids (stepmom for 15 yrs.) GL
    I am sure he will make it up to you. ;)
    Butterfly1108

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 2:40 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Its not out of line that you were angry! No-one is ever out of line for having feelings that they initially cannot control. Feelings are feelings, not facts. All you can do it work through them with purpose. I would allow him the opportunity to be a good husband to you. :)
    Gingerwheel

    Answer by Gingerwheel at 3:10 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • I don't think you are wrong to have any of the feelings you do because feelings are never wrong. However, you were invited and chose not to go. How your step-daughters feel about your husband's romantic relationships is irrelevant. They have no power to make your DH and his ex get back together. Sounds like the ex is bringing the step-daughters to lessen the awkwardness of her going with your DH without her own husband. The girls are going to want their parents to get back together no matter how much they like or how unlikely that is to happen. That is just the way many kids feel. What isn't appropriate is them expressing this and making you uncomfortable. You, DH, and the ex should have a talk with them. Explain that it is okay to feel this way, but it is not okay to pressure anyone and that it is not going to happen. They need to move on and try to accept the situation the way it is. Have they done family counseling?
    momofkids

    Answer by momofkids at 7:17 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • i would be upset too probably even if i trusted him but remember thats what cafemoms for! try not to spill the beans on him
    lizzybee44

    Answer by lizzybee44 at 3:03 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • I think it is normal to be jealous, but do not let your insecurities to overpower get the best of you.
    Cheers!!!
    paufonseca

    Answer by paufonseca at 3:07 AM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • I can see being concerned that the girls might read more into it than is there, but I would also be worried about you also reading more into it than there is... They aren't going off for a romantic weekend or anything, and you were invited and had the opportunity to participate (I understand why you aren't, but they didn't exclude you - you excluded yourself). They ARE a family - just as you are also a part of the family, and having a ds who just graduated this year as well, and seeing all the kids going off to college, into the military, etc - I can understand wanting to take this time as a family - kids, parents, step parents - everyone who is a part of this family - wanting to spend some time together and deciding to make a weekend of it with the parent weekend.

    And look at it this way - would you feel better about it if it was just your dh, his ex, and the son? I think the girls would read WAY more into that....
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:14 AM on Jun. 25, 2011