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3 Bumps

Need advice....

My brother has been a hot mess for 30 years now. Hes been in drug rehab several times, he is an alcoholic(since he was 18 hes 52), he has been in and out of jail several times. Walked out on his wife and two kids 15 years ago, manipulates people to get what he needs and wants. Has stolen money off me several times(once when my daughter wa in the hospital with a seizure). Has told people for years that my parents are dead(which they arent) has told people hes dying to get sympathy, yes hot mess. I tried for years to help him and I cant. I completely washed my hands of him 2 years ago and have not seen or heard from him. My mom is the only one who sees and talks to him because he is always going to be able to manipulate her and she buys it. My mom told me yesterday that he has malenone(skin cancer) which He had this last year and they had to remove part of his ear and reconstruct it. I guess hes real sick. I feel like im being cold and uncaring but I cant bring myself to care. I spent 30 years cleaning up his messes and he has burned every bridge in his life. He has even told people I died....really. Question is should I care, should I contact him. I dont want to because I lost my brother along time ago and I dont want to go thru it again. Thoughts?

Answer Question

Asked by desperateat48 at 1:40 PM on Jun. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Level 13 (1,118 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • Not if you don't want to. You can't make yourself care if you just don't care. Brother or not. He's sick, he's got skin cancer. However, he's not going to die from the skin cancer. He's using that for drama, for attention. Which, he needs some, but not to the extent he wants. Send a card, using your moms address if he doesn't have yours and you don't want him to have it. You can show concern, without being sucked in.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:45 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • you need ADVICE.....advice is the noun. Advise is a verb,,, as in "We will advise you with good advice"
    As far as your brother goes.....I am on your side in this. I would be through with him too. Let your Mom take all the crap and be his 'enabler'.....he is a lost cause.

    Answer by minnesotanice at 1:46 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • I wouldn't care about him either, he doesn't deserve more than he's given and you know if the tables were turned and you were the one who was sick, he wouldn't be there for you.. Unless it was to steal from you behind your back. Don't feel bad, you're making the healthy choice for yourself.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease. He not only has cancer he has another disease. The symptoms of that disease is exactly what you described. The disease hurts everyone around the addict.
    Do you think he chose to be an addict? No! Just as others do not choose to have diabetes or other diseases. I am absolutely certain that in his heart and a clear mind, he does not want to be an addict.
    I am not saying enable him. I am saying love him and let him know that he is worth loving no matter how sick he is!!!

    Answer by tootoobusy at 1:53 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Thanks Ladies I appreciate the input. He is my only sibling but I just cant open that door again. My mom retired 10 years ago and he has sucked every dime she has out of her and she just says what am I suppose to do. I will take the advise and let her deal with it.

    Comment by desperateat48 (original poster) at 1:54 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • his sickness will only creep into your life in another form if you let that happen
    i wouldn't contact him, but if he calls you first then yea i would probably help him only to an extent

    Answer by lizzybee44 at 1:58 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Trust me tootoobusy I get it, I live with a recovering alcoholic and have for 24 years. My husband stopped drinking 13 years ago. I understand all the ins and outs of addiction. I have been to every meeting, rehab etc with my brother and I did love him but there comes a time when if he doesnt want to help himself you cant help him. I do love him hes my brother but I dont like him, his life and I cant allow him back in. When have an addiction and you keep getting help and your sober for 6 months to a year and then you go back to it....thats your choice. thats someone who doesnt want help. he thinks hes undestructable.

    Comment by desperateat48 (original poster) at 1:59 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • I personally see ADVICE in the title of the post, minn. Where did you get ADVISE?

    Answer by Raine2001 at 2:04 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • i know how u feel. i had the same problem with my big brother. i still care for him, for him but i don't let myself get pulled in for nothing. i pray for him daily, i see him when i can. i don't say alot to him, except for "i love u,and take care of yourself". i have forgiven my brother for all the wrong he has done and given him over to God so that my heart is pure when i say that and he can see it in my eyes that i am being sincere. i have whole heartedly told him that i just simply can't take this anymore and from now on i am done with the relationship as it was. we were only connected through the womb and that maybe through much prayer one day we can once again become family instead of just familiar aquaintances. but it would take a change of heart on both sides. i hope this helps.

    Answer by Mrs.Carr81 at 2:10 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

  • Desperate, I don't blame you and would do precisely as you are.

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:18 PM on Jun. 25, 2011

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